Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

203 replies

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 19:56

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

OP posts:
Sidking · 15/08/2023 20:01

I wouldn't not tell them, tell them right now so they have the chance of making it home in time to say goodbye if they want to, don't take that choice away from them

Corcra · 15/08/2023 20:03

You weren't unreasonable to tell them to go but I wouldn't keep it from them.

Nugg · 15/08/2023 20:05

I wouldn't tell them. My gma died whilst my mum was on a round the world cruise. There was NOTHING she could do so I waited.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/08/2023 20:07

Could they/ you afford for them to holiday later?

Original poster
HartBrake · 15/08/2023 20:07

There are flights home tomorrow afternoon but there is a chance they would chose not to come home (they’re sensitive souls) selfish or not or they could chose to come home and they might not make it in time.

OP posts:
Moonberri · 15/08/2023 20:07

I would tell them. It destroys trust to keep things like that from people.

But I think you did the right thing in telling them to go.

InsomniacsWife · 15/08/2023 20:09

What, would their grandma have advised?

I'm guessing go and enjoy yourselves.

Original poster
HartBrake · 15/08/2023 20:09

Both of them have saved hard and paid for the holiday themselves. My eldest (ds) has bought all to his own clothes (understandably) and I’ve helped my dd with clothed and spends but at 17 and studying full time she has worked and saved all her wages to pay for the holiday herself.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 15/08/2023 20:09

Unfortunately this is what happens in life. When both my parents and in laws were on their last days, we told our adult sons to carry on as normal as their grandparents wouldn’t want them having to change their plans. In fact I had conversations with my parents way before they were ill, and they confirmed this.

Spirallingdownwards · 15/08/2023 20:10

They said the same about my friend's dad 5 weeks ago. He is still with us. His son flew from around the world in a hurry and is still here. I actually wouldn't tell them (which I see is opposite to what a lot of people have said) .

SpringHexagon · 15/08/2023 20:11

I think you done the right thing in telling them to go, but that you should tell them the truth and let them decide for themselves without any influence, whether to come home or not.
I was 10 minutes too late to say goodbye to my gran, but I would have been even more upset if I hadn't even had the chance to try and get to her.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 15/08/2023 20:11

I’m so sorry for your awful situation. Check with your FIL but if it were me I wouldn’t let the holiday makers aware of the change. I’m pretty sure your MIL would want them to enjoy their holiday, there is absolutely no need for them to be put in an awful situation where they’re wanting but unable to get home.
We make the most difference to people in their active lives.
Thinking of you all. X

Brainfogmcfogface · 15/08/2023 20:12

If It were me, I’d have also said to go, you couldn’t have known what was to come, but I’d also tell them now, if I were the kids in this situation I’d want a to know, I’d at least want to try and make it before she passes.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 15/08/2023 20:13

I wouldn't tell them. It sounds like your MIL will have people around her when the time comes, so your kids aren't required in that respect. If she did pass before they got home, I would tell them when they returned that their gran explicitly said she wanted them to enjoy their holiday.

Tigger1895 · 15/08/2023 20:13

You tell them the news isn’t good and she may pass sooner than expected. They are adults and are old enough to make their decisions based on the information you give them. Whatever you do, don’t keep the information from them

SerenChocolateMuncher · 15/08/2023 20:14

It's possible they wouldn't make it back in time anyway. I would suggest they call your mother-in-law by telephone or Zoom. Even if she can't engage in conversation, she will hear their voices and they can say "Goodbye".

TheMousePipes · 15/08/2023 20:14

I don’t think grandma would tell them if she could - she’d want them to enjoy their break.

TheMousePipes · 15/08/2023 20:15

Pp’s idea of a zoom is a good one.

winterchills · 15/08/2023 20:15

I think you should tell them and let them make their own mind up whether they will fly home or not. Its a really hard decision for them to make but at least they were able to. Sending lots of love

WaitingForRainAgain · 15/08/2023 20:15

LongLiveGoblingKing · 15/08/2023 20:13

I wouldn't tell them. It sounds like your MIL will have people around her when the time comes, so your kids aren't required in that respect. If she did pass before they got home, I would tell them when they returned that their gran explicitly said she wanted them to enjoy their holiday.

I'd do this also

Coriolise · 15/08/2023 20:17

So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go
YANBU- it was ok to tell them to go. You can only mark decisions based on what you knew at the time

and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?
YABU to not update them. I’d tell them it’s happening sooner than expected.

What are MIL’s final wishes? Personally I don’t want the death vigil. I don’t want my family rushing to sit by my bed to wait for my death rattle. I hate how it’s assumed that is what dying people want. I’d rather my family just be at home feet up and waiting for the phone call to say I’ve gone. I’d rather go alone than with an audience.

Has anyone asked her whether she wants your DC to rush back from holiday? Or not?

Now is the time to centre her final wishes and let that guide your advice to your DC.

AnnieFarmer · 15/08/2023 20:18

You did the right thing to advise them to go but you absolutely have to be honest with them now, to not do so would cause resentment. They will understand that no one was to know how quickly the end would come.

Coriolise · 15/08/2023 20:21

LongLiveGoblingKing · 15/08/2023 20:13

I wouldn't tell them. It sounds like your MIL will have people around her when the time comes, so your kids aren't required in that respect. If she did pass before they got home, I would tell them when they returned that their gran explicitly said she wanted them to enjoy their holiday.

I wouldn’t lie though. If their gran didn’t say that, how could you lie and say she did? Why can’t she be asked? She’s dying but as far as I can see from the thread she’s still conscious and able to communicate?

user1471453601 · 15/08/2023 20:21

When my Mum was alive, she had ten years or so of bad health. My sister, adult daughter and I had a saying. If we were away, and there was nothing any of us could do, then it was a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

No One should order their lives to accommodate a "what if" situation.If your children can, and want to come back to witness their grandmother's last days is a judgement call only you can make. Sorry.

Holidaystress11 · 15/08/2023 20:23

I would tell them but u less they really wanted to try and make it home then I would tell them to enjoy themselves. Maybe a zoom or even a phone all if they do want to just say goodbye.

When my last grandparent passed it was my grandad and I couldn't go to him as 1, we have 4 kids and weren't able to take them to the home. And 2. He deteriated within hours and we wouldn't have made it. Instead my uncle called me and I spoke to him on the phone and told him how much I loved him and that he could rest now. He passed an hour or so later. It wasn't how I wanted to say goodbye but it was the best I had and more than some get.

I'm sorry for what's happening but I'm so glad that your MIL has such a loving family around her.