To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

[HartBrake]

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

Tell them. Let them decide what they want to do.

I honestly would not tell them. They'll be upset, scrabbling to get home in time and in all likelihood they could miss saying their goodbyes or their grandma wouldn't realise they were there. Their last memories would be of her not as their grandma. And you already know that they would prefer to mourn her without seeing her in the final stages. They would be upset and unnecessarily stressed when they don't need to be, and have lovely memories of the last time that they saw her.

If you told them but said that they should continue with their holiday they will just be out there feeling awful and not able to enjoy any part of their holiday as they would feel too sad and guilty.

I would tell them when they got home. And I honestly wouldn't feel angry at all if I was in their situation.

I'm sorry about your family situation.

I think it was fine for your children to go on holiday.

But given nothing is certain I wouldn't tell them that she's gone downhill and may only have few days. Your children spent time with her prior to their holiday and if you tell them she gone downhill they may end up coming home out of guilt and obligation.

I think it all depends how close they are to GM, I wasn't super close to my grandparents but if told they were close to passing then I would have come home because it seemed "expected" and "right thing to do" even if the message was "don't worry". However I would want to know once GM passes rather than wait until return from holiday, then I could make a decision about whether/when to come home to support my parents.

I think a lot of people saying tell them must have or had close relationships with their grandparents (which I can't imagine.) If they are close, maybe you should let your children know to avoid future trust or resentment issues as others have said.

People often wait for relatives to leave the room before they die. I bet their gran would have wanted them to be happy and have a nice holiday.

It depends if they'll want to see her to say their goodbyes. If they do, you'll have to tell them.

If they've said goodbye already then don't tell them.

I wouldn't tell them. But I'd also try to gloss over this bit where you knew and instead just call them if she dies when they're away.

I was on holiday when my Grandma died and we were also away when DH's Nan died. It would have been horrible to have to decide to come home or not and I would have felt horrendously guilty either way (ruin DC holiday vs not see Gma) so I was relieved we didn't have to have that discussion. We continued our holiday as normal

When I was 23, my uncle (mum's only brother ) died unexpectedly very soon after I went abroad. It was my first holiday overseas and I went to see a friend.

They didn't tell me until I arrived home 2 weeks later. They thought it would be his wish not to spoil my holiday - he'd given me spending money before I left.

I'd leave your kids with the memories of their last moments with her. I expect your MIL would prefer them to have those memories and for them to have their holiday.

I completely agree.

Don't feel guilty for telling them to go on holiday.

But I have to say I am shocked that anybody would suggest you don't tell them IMMEDIATELY that the situation has changed. This is incredibly important. You have to tell someone when an immediate family member is dying.

You are potentially robbing them for the rest of their lives of the chance to come back and see their grandparent for the last time. The choice is entirely theirs, not yours, unless you take it away from them.

If any member of my family did this to me, withheld information from me that a close relative was on the verge of death under an infantilising and misguided notion they are protecting me then our relationship would never recover and I'd regret not having known for the rest of my life.

There's no reason to feel guilty for telling them to go.

However you must tell them now that the prognosis has changed and let them decide what to do. You cannot withhold this type of information.

I can't believe anyone is suggesting it. It's obviously wrong.

I wouldn’t tell them. I’d let them enjoy their holiday and only let them know when she’s gone. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 💐

I'm so sorry OP, how difficult.

My DH has been in this position and I also sat with my DM straight after she died - a memory which has never left me and I struggle with thinking of the time I saw her before that - so have a little bit of insight. My DH and I didn't go to be with his family member as they passed, days before we had a really lovely time laughing and joking, hugs and smiles and that is what my DH chose to cherish. I am 100% sure this person would have wanted that. Perhaps think what would your MIL want for your DC overall?

If this were my kids, I'd definitely tell them. I don't believe in keeping this kind of thing secret but also make it clear my own expectation of them would not be that they should come running back but that they could if they want to. If your children not experienced death then make it clear reality will hit them hard whenever they come back, coming back does not save someone from dying.

I'd also tell them the truth, that sometimes a loved one is good for a little while (like it sounds like they had quality time with MIL before) and then make a big downward turn where it's difficult to see someone on their way to passing. It's horrible to remember that or watch someone go.

I'm sure it'll be easier supporting your DH now alone then them when they come back.

My thoughts are with you and your family

This seems a very sensible approach, with your latest post that MIL cannot be on zoom (which was my initial thought). Most grandparents would want their DC to be enjoying life - it sounds as if your oldest 2 have worked hard for this holiday. I dont believe (without knowing the parties of course) that your Il's would want your DC to come home.

Let them enjoy their break. They may not get back anyway, and having seen people in their last minutes it isn’t always easy or in people s best interests. If the worst happens the funeral won’t be until they are back.

I also have seen people on their death bed and go on for several weeks.

if it was my grand kids, I would want them having the time that they saved for. Make memories in my name, but seeing me fighting for breath. There is also a saying in my culture which is basically the dead is respected, but the living is important.

hugs to your families in this time

Of course you were not unreasonable to tell them to be o, you thought there was more time.

You should tell them now and let them make a decision about whether to fly home. If it was my grandparent I’d never get over my mum not telling me.

I’m with you @ironorchids

If I were your mum you’d never know. I’d tell you she went without warning.

You have to tell them. If they're old enough to go on holiday alone, they're old enough to make an adult decision about whether they want to come back or not. You're focused on whether or not they'd see their gran but they're just as likely to want to come home to support their DF.
My aunt died unexpectedly when myself and DSIS were abroad on holiday. My DM decided not to tell us until we came back. It was the wrong decision. It left us more isolated and disconnected in our grief and in our processing of the loss.

I would not tell them anything until they’re home.

They’d either come home or spend the rest of their holiday (and maybe the next few years) feeling guilty for not doing so.

There is no benefit to telling them, there’s nothing they can do and she could be dead by the time they get home anyway.

Do not pass your guilt on.
I would rather have some guilt of not telling my child, than have them bare it.

You need to give them the choice. It's their decision. Otherwise you will have made the choice for them.
My mother did this. I was devastated to miss saying goodbye to my grandmother.

Sorry that should say then you'll also be able to support them when they come back.

Equally you all being together is good for you in terms of grieving but that initial time together might help you support your DH.

I would definitely tell them, but I would tell them that they didn't have to come home and that your mother-in-law would rather remember them on the last day she saw them. I hope she passes very peacefully. 💐

I think depends on their relationship but from what you’ve said here, I think they should have gone on holiday and I wouldn’t be asking them to fly back. They spent quality time during her birthday and maybe that’s a better memory for everyone.

Death is a part of life but it’s also very traumatic to see someone in their final moments. Would they and you want that, and what could they do even if they came back? Can doctors be so accurate? Would your MIL want them there or does she want her DH and DC?

Even if it happens quickly, it could be 2-3 weeks of a funeral.

I’m sorry for what your family is going through. I know my parents would tell grand children to go enjoy themselves. 💐

Yep, this.

I would be honest and say things have gone downhill but I wouldn't encourage them to come back.

I have been in your DC’s position, my parents didn’t tell me my Grandparent passed away until I was home.

They 100% made the right decision. I’d have wanted to fly home and I wouldn’t have been able to do anything.