Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

203 replies

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 19:56

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

OP posts:
BingoBangoFingoFango · 15/08/2023 23:28

Tell them. If you don’t tell them they’ll have missed their opportunity to fly back and say goodbye (should they wish to) and, even if they don’t know at the time, their grandmother still died while they were on holiday.

Ejismyf · 15/08/2023 23:30

Tell them, I found out on holiday a few weeks ago my mum had a few weeks or couple of months to live and came home the next day.

Ap42 · 15/08/2023 23:32

I would let them know the situation, but would advise them to carry on with their holidays. What would grandma tell them to do?
As a nurse, quite often life expectancy is very much an estimate, no one can be 100% sure. Take it day by day. I've seen patients who were given days, and their still around months later. It may not be the case for your MIL, however we can never surely know.

Batalax · 15/08/2023 23:35

You should tell them. I remember my reaction when I wasn’t told about a serious illness. I was very upset and they didn’t even die.

MikeRafone · 15/08/2023 23:36

Yes they visited her a few days ago for her birthday and spent a lot of time with her.

id let them have love very last memories, leave them on holiday

pick them up from the airport and let them know what’s happened or maybe happening

they can’t change what’s happening, they might not get back, leave your hinges as they are.

twice I was told threetimes nearing the end and it was incorrect, the third time the medical team were correct. There was 6 weeks between the first and final time

rockpoolingtogether · 15/08/2023 23:41

Phone them and tell them and let them speak to her on the phone

SlippySarah · 16/08/2023 00:01

My grandmother has twice had serious health scares while her eldest DD has been on holiday and both times my grandmother has instructed us told us not to tell her DD because she doesn't want to feel responsible for either A) ruining the holiday if they decided to come home or B) DD feeling guilty if they decided not to return home and she died.

I would definitely make the decision not to tell someone about the already anticipated death of an older relative. Saying goodbye isn't always all its cracked up to be.

MrsFiddle · 16/08/2023 00:12

MikeRafone · 15/08/2023 23:36

Yes they visited her a few days ago for her birthday and spent a lot of time with her.

id let them have love very last memories, leave them on holiday

pick them up from the airport and let them know what’s happened or maybe happening

they can’t change what’s happening, they might not get back, leave your hinges as they are.

twice I was told threetimes nearing the end and it was incorrect, the third time the medical team were correct. There was 6 weeks between the first and final time

Definitely this!

Zonder · 16/08/2023 00:18

Blinkingbonkers · 15/08/2023 21:08

I would tell them (that MIL has gone downhill and expected time reduced) but suggest they stay and enjoy what they can of their holiday. My SIL in law was given ‘48 hours’ and lasted another 10 days…. How long is a piece of string - I know - but what benefit will there be to them coming home?

I would do this.

AngeloMysterioso · 16/08/2023 00:24

Having been in that situation with my own Dad, in his last few days he was basically already gone. It didn’t really benefit him having us there as he had no awareness at all, and it certainly didn’t benefit me seeing him how he was at the very end- it’s a hideous memory that I wish I could erase.
I’d let your children enjoy their holiday and their loving memories of their GM when she was well. They don’t need to see her as she is now and she doesn’t need them to see her either.

Offyoupoplove · 16/08/2023 00:31

You weren’t unreasonable, you can’t predict the future better than the doctors tried to. I think telling those who are away is important and what they decide is what they decide. I would reassure them that it’s okay not to come back but I wouldn’t lie to them by keeping it from them.

Frabbits · 16/08/2023 00:34

Your kids deserve the choice of whether to cut their holiday short. You weren't to know MIL was going to go downhill, it's not your fault but you can't hide this.

My mother did exactly this to me, meaning I didn't get the chance to properly say goodbye to my gran and to this day I'm not sure I've completely forgiven her.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/08/2023 00:48

Going to come at this from a different perspective. Does Grandma want more people by her bedside at this time? Honestly it sounds like there are already people to support. But I wouldn’t want my death turned into a spectator event. I think children, parents, and spouse are who should be near.

Sorry that you all are going through this.

ihadamarveloustime · 16/08/2023 01:03

I wouldn't tell them. They have seen her. Your MIL knows they love her. They know their grandma loves them. Let them enjoy their hard-worked for holiday. Coming back early won't change anything.

Sorry your family is going through this.

Scylax · 16/08/2023 01:35

Both! I’m glad they went, but you need to tell them

VintageBlossomHill · 16/08/2023 02:06

I’d tell your kids so they can makeup their own minds x

Marchitectmummy · 16/08/2023 02:12

Personally I would tell them and let thrm decide whether to return or not. I don't think the decision to come back or not should be theirs and not taken away from them. However I would also then treat them to a holiday say in Oct to make up for this one, but realise thud isn't an option for all.

Perhaps if mil is able to hear them or see them even if she can't respond maybe they can call if they want to.

Grumpy101 · 16/08/2023 02:16

Firstly, my MIL was given 24 hours to live and she held on for another 4 weeks so nothing is certain.

Secondly, I would tell them what is going on but that granny wants them to enjoy the holiday. They've said their goodbyes, no need for them to come home. MIL will care more about her own son being there.

DTCM · 16/08/2023 02:18

Deffo not unreasonable. Let them go..live their young lives. Best they have good memories of grandma not when she’s on her deathbed.

Dervel · 16/08/2023 02:25

This may sound odd, but if I was in the shoes of the person dying there would be something oddly comforting about my grandchildren being off following their dreams to travel. A symbol perhaps that whilst my time on earth draws to it’s close I was part of that grand adventure of life which gets to carry on in my absence.

I’d probably leave behind a note for them telling them as such, and that whilst I’m sure they are sad about my passing them being out there living life would having me smiling in my last moments.

Riandra13 · 16/08/2023 02:52

I would tell them because if I were in that situation I would never be able to forgive the people who decided not to tell me. It would also tarnish the vacation memories because I would always remember that my Gran passed while I was having fun.

Fourecks · 16/08/2023 03:14

Tell them that MIL has gone downhill much more quickly than expected and will likely pass while they are away. Let them know that you're telling them as you don't want it to be a massive shock when they return, but that MIL is not very responsive and there's a reasonable chance they won't make it back in time anyway so there's no expectations that they return, and that she is being well supported. Then leave it up to them.

Anycrispsleft · 16/08/2023 06:05

This actually happened to me. I was going to New York knowing my gran was ill but when she took a turn for the worse I came back. To be honest I was probably a pain in the arse to my mum and aunty, because I sat up with them with her but I was way too tired and I ended up having to ask one of the care home staff to buzz me out at 5am so I could go back and sleep. My gran survived for another 2 weeks after that. Honestly I would leave it. It sounds like your kids would rather not be there right at the end and your MIL has probably moved past the point of goodbyes.

Furmitycorner798 · 16/08/2023 06:10

Dervel · 16/08/2023 02:25

This may sound odd, but if I was in the shoes of the person dying there would be something oddly comforting about my grandchildren being off following their dreams to travel. A symbol perhaps that whilst my time on earth draws to it’s close I was part of that grand adventure of life which gets to carry on in my absence.

I’d probably leave behind a note for them telling them as such, and that whilst I’m sure they are sad about my passing them being out there living life would having me smiling in my last moments.

Yes definitely this for me anyway ^^

JusthereforXmas · 16/08/2023 09:51

ironorchids · 15/08/2023 22:06

Don't feel guilty for telling them to go on holiday.

But I have to say I am shocked that anybody would suggest you don't tell them IMMEDIATELY that the situation has changed. This is incredibly important. You have to tell someone when an immediate family member is dying.

You are potentially robbing them for the rest of their lives of the chance to come back and see their grandparent for the last time. The choice is entirely theirs, not yours, unless you take it away from them.

If any member of my family did this to me, withheld information from me that a close relative was on the verge of death under an infantilising and misguided notion they are protecting me then our relationship would never recover and I'd regret not having known for the rest of my life.

There's no reason to feel guilty for telling them to go.

However you must tell them now that the prognosis has changed and let them decide what to do. You cannot withhold this type of information.

I can't believe anyone is suggesting it. It's obviously wrong.

I was never told... never disowned my family.

Take my nana for instance:

She has 6 children = 6
Each has a partner = 12
She has 11 grand kids = 23
She has 2 step kids = 25
She has 4 step grand kids = 29
She has 2 siblings = 31
She has countless great-grand kids = minimum 42 (I have 3 kids, my cousin had 5 at last count, my other cousin 3 as well and thats the only 2 cousins I know out of the 10).
I know she has at least 2 step great grand kids = minimum 44

Its absoloutly not fair to have 50+ people traipsing in to hover round a bedside. Not fair to medical staff, not fair to other patients, not fair to the dying patient and not fair to the actual immediate family members.

My nana was surrounded by her own children not the extended circus that came with it (even though she doted on us grand kids and her great grand kids too, she literally raised me for a year as a child) because it would just be far too much. Her children deserved to have that goodbye time uninterrupted as well.