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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

203 replies

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 19:56

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

OP posts:
ActDottie · 15/08/2023 22:29

I’d tell them so they can make their own decision on whether to come back

Bobbielikespeas · 15/08/2023 22:32

ironorchids · 15/08/2023 22:06

Don't feel guilty for telling them to go on holiday.

But I have to say I am shocked that anybody would suggest you don't tell them IMMEDIATELY that the situation has changed. This is incredibly important. You have to tell someone when an immediate family member is dying.

You are potentially robbing them for the rest of their lives of the chance to come back and see their grandparent for the last time. The choice is entirely theirs, not yours, unless you take it away from them.

If any member of my family did this to me, withheld information from me that a close relative was on the verge of death under an infantilising and misguided notion they are protecting me then our relationship would never recover and I'd regret not having known for the rest of my life.

There's no reason to feel guilty for telling them to go.

However you must tell them now that the prognosis has changed and let them decide what to do. You cannot withhold this type of information.

I can't believe anyone is suggesting it. It's obviously wrong.

100pc this! If you don't say anythjng, you can never turn back time. Their holidays are not a once in a life time event regardless of how long they saved up. If it gets ruined, that's life. They can go on holiday again at some point in their lives but they will not get the option to decide what to do about seeing their dying grandparent again.

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/08/2023 22:37

My gran was dying and we had no real time line and my parents went to Mexico. Her brothers all told her to go. She died a week into my mums holiday so I had to phone her and tell her. But she couldn't get home. She feels no regret as she was with my gran daily before she went and went to funeral home before she got back. However her older brother hadn't seen my gran in about 20 years.

I think you should tell them and leave the decision up to them.

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/08/2023 22:37

I mean after she got back.

Maddy70 · 15/08/2023 22:39

Tell them.

HappyScales · 15/08/2023 22:39

I'd tell them that you don't think mil has much time left.

I would also tell them that they should continue with their holiday as I'm sure that is what most people would want - I certainly would!

So, tell them about the situation, but encourage them to stay and enjoy their holiday as best they can, is what I would do.

Bromptotoo · 15/08/2023 22:39

You've nowt to worry about.

Apart from family gathering around the deathbed being a 'yesterday' practice things have moved on re MIL's health.

My DD was on holiday with her now husband and family when DP's Mum died. She was upset and took a few hours off living holiday life at warp speed to reflect but given modern wait times etc she was back long before the funeral.

ladyvivienne · 15/08/2023 22:41

I can always remember as a 14 yr old being on holiday and another girl was on holiday with her friend. Her Mum phoned and told her her Grandma had died. We all thought it was incredibly mean. What the hell could she do about it on holiday? Nothing. It didn't change the outcome. It did however wreck her holiday which her Gran absolutely would not have wanted. Poor girl was in bits with no family around to help her.

Life happens. Personally I wouldn't tell them until they came home. They're adults. Presumably their Grandma wanted them to enjoy their holidays that were well earned.

I guess the major problem these days however is not doubt they'll be ringing daily. Back in our day, you were on holiday, you were uncontactable for the fortnight

I'm sorry that you're losing her.

siestaingsnake · 15/08/2023 22:41

I think you give them the information you have it is then their choice. I can't sit round a death bed if someone goes between visits[Inc my dad] then I've said anything I want to say or see. My brother can and does and is still annoyed by SM not calling /texting him when they knew my dad was running out of time

TakenRoot · 15/08/2023 22:41

OP, so sorry you are going through this.

You did the right thing in supporting them to go on their holiday.

One of my parents was on end of life care, we were told 24 hours, lasted 10 days.

I would Tell them, but let them know it’s fine to stay on holiday.

BLT24 · 15/08/2023 22:42

Blossomtoes · 15/08/2023 22:13

If I were your mum you’d never know. I’d tell you she went without warning.

Show quote history

I would never lie about something so important. A holiday is not important, saying goodbye to a grandparent is. It’s a bit naive to say ‘you’d never know’, they could easily find out.

IsItThough · 15/08/2023 22:45

I wouldn't tell them. They've said goodbye, at a happier time, with nicer memories.

Prometheus · 15/08/2023 22:46

I wouldn’t tell them. I wasn’t at the deathbed of any of my grandparents. I mean - it was sad that they died but pointless for a young person to spend days sitting in a hospital waiting room. I wouldn’t have wanted to view their dead bodies. Also, my stepdad was diagnosed with stage four cancer 13 years ago and given six month to live. He’s still here.

grunttheterrible · 15/08/2023 22:47

I wouldn't tell them personally unless MIL desperately wanted them there. They need to live their lives and FIL is right, life is short

TeenLifeMum · 15/08/2023 22:47

We have a similar situation - currently on holiday with my dc and on day one my mum messaged to let me know my granny had died that morning. We thought we’d have a few months. I’m sad but I’m relieved her pain is over and it wasn’t drawn out. I’m glad I was told as I can think of her fondly, tell my dc but distract them with the holiday rather than feel the holiday blues when we get home then have the sad news on top. Don’t feel guilty. I can’t imagine your mil would have wanted them to cancel the holiday and sit around waiting for her to die. Your guidance for them to continue living was spot on. I’m sorry for your loss xx

madeleine85 · 15/08/2023 22:50

They might not be able to get back in time, but they would at least know/have a chance to say bye, even if was on facetime or something similar. This happened to a family member, and they weren't told their dad had passed until they were picked up at the airport. You should definitely tell them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/08/2023 22:50

You weren't unreasonable to tell them to go but I do think it's unreasonable to not let them decide for themselves what they want to do. They aren't small children and the decision should be theirs, not yours.

Scottishskifun · 15/08/2023 22:51

I get that your coming from in a place of love but honestly I have witnessed first hand what happens when a family member decides what information to keep and what to tell.

In our case it's led to resentment and distancing because of it.

Your children aren't little, give them the information but stress that their grandmother would want them to stay, raise a glass to her etc.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 15/08/2023 22:51

Bobbielikespeas · 15/08/2023 22:32

100pc this! If you don't say anythjng, you can never turn back time. Their holidays are not a once in a life time event regardless of how long they saved up. If it gets ruined, that's life. They can go on holiday again at some point in their lives but they will not get the option to decide what to do about seeing their dying grandparent again.

Show quote history

I disagree.

If this was a sudden illness then fair enough, but they know she’s dying and thought she only had a few months to live.

They’ve spent time with her and know that any day they see her could be their last.

They cannot do anything to save her life, so they’ll be coming home just to see her on her deathbed in hospital, which most people wouldn’t want to see anyway.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 15/08/2023 22:54

This scenario is exactly why my niece and nephew were told to spend time with grandparents before they left on their holiday, in case one of them passed away.

As it turns out my niece is now away for 4 weeks and her grandfather HAS passed away. She is not returning, but there is no guilt by anyone as this was clearly discussed and decided prior to leaving 'just in case'.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/08/2023 22:57

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 15/08/2023 22:51

I disagree.

If this was a sudden illness then fair enough, but they know she’s dying and thought she only had a few months to live.

They’ve spent time with her and know that any day they see her could be their last.

They cannot do anything to save her life, so they’ll be coming home just to see her on her deathbed in hospital, which most people wouldn’t want to see anyway.

Show quote history

But some people would want to come home which is their choice to make. No one should make that choice for them.

If they decide to stay, that's absolutely fine but at least the option would be there.

thaisweetchill · 15/08/2023 22:59

I would tell them and let them make their own decision on what they wish to do.

After seeing my MIL pass away slowly in front of us after months of ovarian cancer I would not want my kids to witness it so I would hope they wouldn't come back, but, that is there decision. Please don't begrudge them if they stay.

Sodullincomparison · 15/08/2023 23:17

My Nan died whilst I was living a 12 hour flight away. My family said not to come back but to be honest I just needed my mum at that point. I was very close to my Nan.

my other grandmother died when I was a teenager and I felt sad for my dad rather than grief myself because we were not very close.

my dad died after an operation when I was in New Zealand. I asked repeatedly if I needed to come home and everyone said no. Doing that journey whilst in intense grief was horrendous - I’d much rather have done it in a state of worry.

i didn’t regret not being there for the moment of death because we had spoken prior to the operation.

id say tell them so they can choose but also to prepare them for it.

fullbloom87 · 15/08/2023 23:27

How stay I wouldn't tell them. Let them enjoy their holiday the best way they can.
If you tell them they'll either hesitantly stay and have it ruin their trip or panic them so they have to rush back and then miss the whole thing.
They're young and if I was your MIL I would not want them coming back or missing out.
Death is a part of life, and we have children so we go to live on through them , not burden them with our death.

fullbloom87 · 15/08/2023 23:27

*personally I wouldn't tell them.

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