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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

203 replies

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 19:56

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 15/08/2023 20:23

LongLiveGoblingKing · 15/08/2023 20:13

I wouldn't tell them. It sounds like your MIL will have people around her when the time comes, so your kids aren't required in that respect. If she did pass before they got home, I would tell them when they returned that their gran explicitly said she wanted them to enjoy their holiday.

This.

Motherofalittledragon · 15/08/2023 20:23

I would tell them, and let them decide if they want to fly back but make sure they know it could be too late.

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/08/2023 20:24

Yabu. You should have used your crystal ball to see into MIL's future.

bridgetreilly · 15/08/2023 20:25

Tell them now that things have changed, then have an honest conversation. Tell them that it is okay if they choose not to come back now, but that if they want to then they should. Tell them you will help with any financial implications. Tell them there are no right or wrong responses but that they must be allowed to make their own choices.

randomusernam · 15/08/2023 20:28

If they have travel insurance they might be able to claim some money back. I would be telling them and let them decide how to proceed. You could be honest and say she might not even know you are here but they need to decide

Sundaefraise · 15/08/2023 20:28

Given how sensitively you talk about your mother in law, I'm guessing she is a nice person who would want her grandchildren to have a lovely holiday. She will probably be in and out of consciousness and they may get back and find she has died before they could get there. I can't see that it actually helps anyone given that she other close family surrounding her.

Zeppel · 15/08/2023 20:29

I think it was fine to tell them to go but you should tell them and let them make the decision whether to travel home.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 15/08/2023 20:32

You have done the right thing. When my DD was 16 she went away for 10 days on a trip that she had dreamt of doing since she was 12. A few days after she left a much loved family member died suddenly. We contacted the leader of the group she was with and asked them to let her know on the last day of the trip. We didn't want it to colour her time away but equally we didn't want her coming home excited and full of stories to find the family in mourning. It was the right decision. She knew what had happened and had been supported by her friend and others but the trip wasn't spoiled.

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/08/2023 20:32

Whatsapp call, Skype or Zoom, as soon as possible, or just a phone call, if/when their Gran is able to hear from them (don't know if she's medicated/drifting in and out). Let them know it's not good then put them on the phone. My sister rang me to speak to our gran (I couldn't fly as I was pregnant) and I will always be grateful to her for doing so. Whether she could actually hear me or not, I was still able to say goodbye to her.
As for them flying home - I wouldn't suggest they do that. Ask FIL or DH to speak with them. I would be amazed if their Gran would have wanted otherwise. It's actually often reported that many choose their moment to pass, as soon as a loved one is out the room.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/08/2023 20:33

I agree with most people on here, telling them to go was absolutely fine but you can’t take the decision to try and see her one last time from them if it’s what they want to do.

We had a similar situation with my lovely MIL, she was given 3 months and died 9 days later.

Dellys · 15/08/2023 20:33

I think in theory sometimes in this situation you would be doing them a favour not to tell them if a pet or more distant family member had died and there was nothing you could do and they were already away. They may as well enjoy their holiday and deal with the grief afterwards in that situation. I think when there is still time to get back though you really need to tell them in this situation. As much as it’s going to ruin their holiday, not telling them will most likely cause them to resent you for not letting them have the chance to get back

Ispini · 15/08/2023 20:33

Let them decide. When I was living abroad my parents kept my grandmother’s death from me as I was pregnant. I was so upset not to have had the opportunity to fly home for her funeral.
You need to be upfront, the decision is theirs to make. All the best wishes for the tough times ahead.

UmbilicalCordonBleu · 15/08/2023 20:35

I wouldn’t tell them. I wasn’t there when two beloved grandparents died and I could have potentially returned when my grandmother was about to go but honestly, I’m glad my parents didn’t tell me as the memories I have of her are when she was in a better state.

I’m glad I didn’t see her when she’d gone downhill, I didn’t want that to be my lasting memory of her.

I wouldn’t say anything, let them enjoy themselves.
x

chimamandafan · 15/08/2023 20:35

If I was their grandma, and slipping quietly away, I'd tell them to enjoy their holiday and not put them through the stress of flying back and sitting there through the night till I died. Have fun while you can, kiddos.

I've sat with three relatives while they died and it did them and me no good: they died and I ended up sleep-deprived and, if I'm honest, rather. resenting them for taking such a long time to go.

When I'm dying I'd like someone to come in and check on me every now and then. But I don't want someone sitting in a chair by the bed for days, clinging to my hand and turning it into a drama all about them.

madamovaries · 15/08/2023 20:36

I would tell them. My beloved grandfather died in the final week of my first term of university. My parents told me that I’d be able to see him when I got home so I didn’t go home to see him in hospital. Remains the biggest regret of my life.

Andthereyougo · 15/08/2023 20:38

If I was your mil ( I’m an older person, health problems) I’d rather dgc stay on holiday and enjoy themselves. They could try to get home, and maybe “miss” her by minutes/ hours so maybe setting up some guilt for later. What can they practically do?
Id say leave to their holiday, tell them when mil passes , say it was quick at the end ( and I hope very peaceful) .

ArcticLadybird · 15/08/2023 20:39

I would tell them, but encourage them to continue their holiday and enjoy it as much as possible, as them coming home won’t change anything. Your MIL may well be medicated and unresponsive even if they decided to return.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/08/2023 20:39

randomusernam · 15/08/2023 20:28

If they have travel insurance they might be able to claim some money back. I would be telling them and let them decide how to proceed. You could be honest and say she might not even know you are here but they need to decide

No, it wouldn't pay out because it was a known thing at the time of booking.

They should have their holiday and then return as planned.

Starlightandsandytoes · 15/08/2023 20:40

I would tell them and let them make the choice. My Dad was taken very seriously ill when I was a similar age and almost died. I should have been away at the time but the trip was cancelled just beforehand. My mum told me that had the trip gone ahead, she wouldn’t have told me anything while I was away and I hated the idea of the choice being taken away from me, I would have found this hard to deal with. They will have lots more holidays but will only face this situation once. I’d let them choose how to handle it, though you did the right thing to tell them to go.

CClaire · 15/08/2023 20:40

Personally I think you have to tell them but make it clear there are no expectations and it might be too late anyway (even that you think they should stay and enjoy their hol as best they can). It’s shit though ☹️

YoBeaches · 15/08/2023 20:40

Yeah I would tell them but encourage them to stay and that you'll let them know if anything changes.

They'd be home for funeral arrangements anyway if she did pass this week.

viques · 15/08/2023 20:40

I would tell them, but say that no one will feel any the less about them if they decide to stay on the holiday. Arrange a Skype call so they can speak to their granny to tell her they love her and say goodbye.

I am willing to bet that if asked she would tell them to stay on the holiday.

JhsLs · 15/08/2023 20:42

I would not tell them. Why stress them out when they’ve saved so hard and were looking forward to it. I’d tell them when they arrive home and tell them that you made the decision to not tell them as you felt that it was best for them and what their grandmother would have wanted. Having gone through what you have at around 20, it is a horrific experience seeing a loved one in their last days. They are not themselves and it would be better in my opinion for teens/young adults to remember their loved one as she once was, rather that the state she was in on her deathbed.

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 15/08/2023 20:43

What does MIL want? If it were me as your MIL I hope I’d say ‘let them know but tell them they mustn’t come back before they’re due to return as planned’

HangingStars · 15/08/2023 20:44

I would tell them, and let them have a video call/phone call so they can say goodbye and mil can hear their voices one more time. Then give them the choice if they want updates or want to wait until they get home. I wouldn’t encourage them to fly home definitely.

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