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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

203 replies

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 19:56

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

OP posts:
thegirlwithemousyhair · 15/08/2023 20:44

I would tell them, no question. Let them decide whether to come back but tell them. I will never forgive my mother for refusing to tell my nephew that his father was dying. He missed the opportunity to say goodbye.

MrsRachelDanvers · 15/08/2023 20:44

If I kept such a thing secret, I’d have big regrets. I’m all for being open. What you can say is that their gma has said her goodbyes and wants them to spread their wings so unless they really wanted to, to continue with the holiday. But that she’s deteriorated much faster than anyone realised. Please don’t keep it from them-you’d have a lot of questions to answer on their return if you did that.

Spain1980 · 15/08/2023 20:45

SerenChocolateMuncher · 15/08/2023 20:14

It's possible they wouldn't make it back in time anyway. I would suggest they call your mother-in-law by telephone or Zoom. Even if she can't engage in conversation, she will hear their voices and they can say "Goodbye".

This. We are fortunate to have the technology that allows us to do this. A mad and potentially fruitless attempt to get home in time can be avoided

LittleMy77 · 15/08/2023 20:46

I don’t think you were unreasonable waving them off. I would tell them tho (am in similar situation atm) maybe as a pp says they can call / FaceTime her? Even if they hotfoot it back, there’s a v real chance she won’t make it and she may not be lucid or be on pain meds so won’t know they’re there

Hepwo · 15/08/2023 20:46

If she's only got 24/48 hours sadly she's likely to be unconscious before much longer and unable to speak.

Pain relief will do that in my experience.

I would wait until they get home.

Original poster
HartBrake · 15/08/2023 20:48

Knowing my kids how I do I’m 99% sure that they would not chose to see their gran in her final moments. I know that may seem selfish but i don’t think they could cope with it. I know I cousins at their age.

OP posts:
Newjobformoremoney · 15/08/2023 20:49

Hi OP

My mother has stage 4 pancreatic cancer with multiple secondaries. I flew half way around the world three times in 2019 to say goodbye (with a child under 2 in tow solo) as we were told she’d be dead by feb 2019.
She is still alive and kicking.
They deserve to know the update but cancer is a strange one.
You’ve done nothing wrong, it’s impossible to really know with these things.

Original poster
HartBrake · 15/08/2023 20:51

My MIL isn’t capable of speaking on the i horn and/or on FaceTime. If she were then it would make it an easier decision.

OP posts:
5128gap · 15/08/2023 20:53

I would tell them and advise them to stay where they are, for the very reason you've said yourself, they may well not make it.
I'd explain to them thst while there is a lot of sentiment around final goodbyes, in reality dying people are often only vaguely aware of their surroundings. Their grandma will be heavily medicated and calm and dreamlike.
I'd explain that what happens in the the last hours of a loved ones life does not define a relationship. What matters is all those other years.
I'd tell them their grandma would be happy to think of them having fun on their holiday and wouldn't want them to have the worry and distress of trying to get home.

Barleysugar86 · 15/08/2023 20:53

I'd agree with telling them and arranging some kind of zoom or phone call so they can talk to her.

My grandad was dying for a few days, we knew it was near. We were asked not to come as he was so very tired and it would have been the best part of a day travelling there and back. He could only manage a few minutes listening/ talking at once. He wouldn't have wanted visitors.

Visiting might not be the kindest thing for her, despite how it might feel.

CapEBarra · 15/08/2023 20:53

My DF died last year after being given 24-48 hours. In reality he died in 12, so I suspect the decision may be taken out of your hands. The reality is that she will either be in distress or she will be unconscious so she is unlikely to know they are there. On the day my DF died I phoned my kids to tell them (they were in a different country) and they were obviously deeply upset. My DD had tickets to a gig that night and I told her to go, and treat the event as a celebration of her grandfather’s life - it’s what her DGD would have wanted and which she did.

In your shoes I would tell them but urge them not to come home as it would likely be too late and they wouldn’t be able to do much when they got there anyway. It also makes the logistics of ferrying people from the airport to the hospital to the house, etc. less complicated. Sometimes it’s best to keep things as simple as possible when you are in a high stress environment. If she goes before they got back I would ask them to continue to enjoy the holiday and use it as an opportunity to celebrate their grandmother’s life. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s very, very, hard x

Kanelsnegl · 15/08/2023 20:55

I wouldn't keep it from them. I live abroad from mu family and eas only informed of my Grandmas illness the day before she died. My sister and dad had both known but decided they didn't want to worry me. It meant any choice to come home to say goodbye was taken from me so it was guilt and grief and anger all at once and I'm still upset and resentful about it now. It wasn't their choice to make for me.

I don't think you were wrong to tell them to go as that was based on the information you had at the time. But don't keep it from them.

JusthereforXmas · 15/08/2023 20:55

How close are they?

I wasn't at the death beds of any of my 10 grandparents. Every single time I was told after the fact regardless of if I was a child or a fully grown adult.

I was sad, usually cried for an hour of so was sad for a week or so and life went on... grandparents die its just a sad fact of life.

It wasn't the same as sitting by my mothers bedside as she died which still hits me like a freight train randomly 6 months on.

For a grandparent (unless they raised them) I wouldn't put pressure on a child (even adult one) to attend, let them have their holiday.

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 20:57

I would definitely tell them, they won’t be able to get home sooner than tomorrow anyway, but do tell them.

Do not feel guilty. Anything could have happened any one while they are away, you can’t live like that.

I’m very sorry for you and your family.

ReadTheFreakingThread · 15/08/2023 20:59

My Grandfather unexpectedly passed away while I was on vacation (16 hour flight away type of vacation) This was pre-internet, cell phone, etc. so they had to call the hotel I was at to get ahold of me.

They told me he passed away and that the funeral would be held while I was away, but I should not come back and grieve him in my own way on vacation. I appreciate them reaching out to me to:

  1. Inform me. I would have felt a choice was taken away from me if I had not known which would have led to resentment.
  2. Tell me not to come back. I appreciate they so emphatically told me not to return. They essentially did make the decision for me, and although I felt some guilt that I wasn't there for my family, I knew that it was okay.

Please tell them, and let them know it's okay if they make the choice to not return.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 15/08/2023 20:59

You haven’t done anything wrong, but they’re adults so I think you should tell them.

Ghosttofu99 · 15/08/2023 21:00

Just tell them. I absolutely hate it when relatives keep ultra important information about other relatives health from me. (when I was younger)

Even if they have the greatest time they ever had in their lives the memory of it will be ruined once they find out their DGM has died and no one told them.

Im really sorry you are in this situation and so sorry for your whole family but please don’t make this crazy decision to chose how your older DC get to react to this. Just tell them and let them do it their own way please.

TeleTropes · 15/08/2023 21:01

If MIL can communicate I’d ask her. Then if the kids are upset at not being told, at least it was MIL’s wishes.

Holiday insurance might cover them coming home and give refunds too.

MajesticWhine · 15/08/2023 21:01

I think you should give them the update and let them decide.
But I also think, if they have seen their gran recently then I don't think they would need to fly home. There is no need for everyone to be at the deathbed, and if she does die in the next day or two, then presumably they will be back in time for the funeral. Sorry if it sounds heartless, that is just my view. I would not expect my adult kids to rush home.

2023issucky · 15/08/2023 21:02

We were away when we got the call saying FiL was likely not to last the day. We already knew it was likely but we also live 7 hours drive away and the holiday would have made it 8.5 hours drive.
We had discussed with sil what we would do, and we had said if we weren't likely to make it, we wouldn't come, as would need to do the same journey again for funeral.
I think you have to tell them, and let them make the decision. It's a lot to sort out, and they may not make it back in time either.
I'm so sorry for your family

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 15/08/2023 21:02

I think you should tell them.

"GM has taken an unexpected turn and her doctors are monitoring her very closely. I don't want or expect you to come home but I thought it was important to let you know"

Drummode · 15/08/2023 21:03

i would tell them but let them know that they aren’t expected to come home.
it usually takes a couple of weeks to get a funeral so they should be back for that

Honeyroar · 15/08/2023 21:03

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 20:48

Knowing my kids how I do I’m 99% sure that they would not chose to see their gran in her final moments. I know that may seem selfish but i don’t think they could cope with it. I know I cousins at their age.

I don’t think it’s selfish if they choose not to see her. I presume they’ve visited her prior to going away? I think there are enough people around her (her children/you etc). I’d let them FaceTime her a few times.

Supersimkin2 · 15/08/2023 21:06

Zoom.

Doctors get it wrong about imminent death all the time. Especially with cancer.

Threenow · 15/08/2023 21:06

I would tell them the situation, but also say that it isn't necessary that they come back unless they really want to.

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