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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

203 replies

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 19:56

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

OP posts:
nidgey · 15/08/2023 21:06

IME 24-48 hours really does mean that. You weren't unreasonable in encouraging them to go, but you should be honest - I'd tell them she's got less time than expected.

Original poster
HartBrake · 15/08/2023 21:06

Yes they visited her a few days ago for her birthday and spent a lot of time with her.

OP posts:
Blinkingbonkers · 15/08/2023 21:08

I would tell them (that MIL has gone downhill and expected time reduced) but suggest they stay and enjoy what they can of their holiday. My SIL in law was given ‘48 hours’ and lasted another 10 days…. How long is a piece of string - I know - but what benefit will there be to them coming home?

Yalta · 15/08/2023 21:08

Not unreasonable telling them to go but you would be very very unreasonable to not tell them whilst they are away.

You could phrase it that they are not expected to cut their holiday short and you just wanted to keep them in the loop with what was happening,

I have had experience of something like this and the person who it happened to never got over it

Ophy83 · 15/08/2023 21:08

Let them choose. My parents didn't tell me that my grandmother was dying when I was away and it was awful finding out on my return

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/08/2023 21:08

Those estimates are just that, estimates.

Tbh if she is that close to death she may not even realize they are there or only for a few seconds.

When my grandma went downhill (she wasn't sick, just very old) my mom broke it to me that "the doctors say Gran is declining..." I said should I rush there and she said "I think you should remember Gran as she was."

She dealt with everything. I felt guilty and still do a bit, but I was on a professional training course a couple of hours away, very competitive to enter the course and would have been awkward to leave right as it was getting started. I know that sounds horrible but I was between a rock and a hard place. Grateful that my mother sort of took the decision out of my hands.

Tell the kids that their gran is declining and might slip away, but that she would be pleased they are enjoying themselves. If they get distraught and want to come home, facilitate that, but otherwise I think most of us would rather the young people enjoy their holiday than gather around a deathbed when the dying person may not even be aware of their presence. Life is too short.

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/08/2023 21:09

I don't think I'd tell them, there's every chance she won't pass yet. But if she does I would tell them after but that it was all very quick. They don't need to know there was a decision to be made. They are young and their grandma would probably prefer them to be having the best time. I know mine would have wanted that

Dymaxion · 15/08/2023 21:09

That is a very precise timeline you have been given, we tend to work on short weeks/days and then the final hours and I have seen plenty of people be told last hours and plateau for weeks, was it a specialist palliative consultant or a GP who made the call ?

Yalta · 15/08/2023 21:11

Gcsunnyside23 don’t ever lie. It has a way of coming out eventually and the fallout will be worse than deed itself

Snowpatrolling · 15/08/2023 21:11

Tell them, I wasn’t told about my grandad until 2 days later and I was devastated.
I would have like the choice to try and see him regardless of whether it was too late or not.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/08/2023 21:12

Telling them to go was fine. If your MIL does die you absolutely cannot keep that from adults. In this day and age some t**t will post in on Facebook for misplaced sympathy. I'm sorry to hear about your MIL

TheSoapyFrog · 15/08/2023 21:14

I think you should definitely tell them and let them make their own minds up. My grandparents died a couple of years ago. I was very close to them. I was due to go to my best friend's hen night when I got the call to say my grandad was close to the end. I went to be with him and couldn't bear the thought of him dying while I was out having fun.

My nan always loved to have her family around her and she held on until she saw us one last time. I would never have wanted to miss those last moments with them.

But if your DC don't want to come back, then so be it. But at least they've made their own choice with all the information.

Frazzledatfifty · 15/08/2023 21:14

I would definitely tell them - my parents kept my Granny’s death from me when I was away on a trip and I really was upset to have been kept in the dark, I always think it’s best to be honest…. I don’t think it is important for your DC to leave their holiday and come back, unless they really want to… I’m sure their Granny wouldn’t expect them too. As long as she has her husband/children with her - I don’t think Grandchildren need to be there… a lifetime of love is what is important, not a last visit at the end. Hope it is all as peaceful as can be - sending condolences…

Mummapenguin20 · 15/08/2023 21:15

Please tell them

Sherrycat · 15/08/2023 21:15

Op how is your mil at the moment? Has she stopped eating yet? If so, death usually occurs within about 10 days. Also lack of swallowing is an indication of her passing in the next few days. I’m so sorry for you all.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 15/08/2023 21:16

I went on holiday when I was 16 and my father had been ill for some time. We both knew it was near the end so were able to say our goodbyes. I was only a two hour drive away but was not called back until he had died. This was right for me and he would have hated me seeing him at the end.

So hand on my heart I would say let them be.

mumtoboys12 · 15/08/2023 21:17

That's a difficult one. Perhaps just let them enjoy their holiday before sadness hits. X

Fbshe · 15/08/2023 21:17

Can you tell them, but follow up with saying FIL has sent some money (even if you give it) because he wants you to have a lovely meal and a couple of drinks over there to celebrate her life and spend time sharing memories instead of coming home.

I was in a similar situation when I was away at 19 and that is what my mum did.

Meerkatdog · 15/08/2023 21:17

You should tell them, no question.

Hullabalooza · 15/08/2023 21:18

Sorry to hear you’re in this situation. My gut feeling is not to tell them. It’s a hard saved up for and much looked forward to holiday and it sounds like they sought validation from you that it was okay to go- telling them would create feelings of anguish whilst they are away and mean they forever remember their first holiday for feeling stuck and helpless.

I can of course see the argument of telling them or they may resent you in the future, but if you have an adult conversation upon their return about why you didn’t, I’m sure they would understand and feel grateful. Much of this depends on their exact age and relationship with your MiLof course. But please don’t assume it’s going to cause long term problems to let them have a few days away in blissful ignorance- it may not even happen whilst they’re away remember.

so, Yanbu, go with your gut. Sending you strength at a difficult time.

Tailfeather · 15/08/2023 21:18

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 15/08/2023 20:43

What does MIL want? If it were me as your MIL I hope I’d say ‘let them know but tell them they mustn’t come back before they’re due to return as planned’

Yes this. Telling them, but saythat grandma wants them to enjoy their holiday and seize life.

runningonberocca · 15/08/2023 21:18

You were right to tell them to go on holiday. Don’t keep it from them that she has deteriorated though - leave it completely their choice whether they want to fly back early to say their goodbyes or whether they want to continue their holiday. They deserve to know

Moveoverdarlin · 15/08/2023 21:19

I wouldn’t tell them.

user1471447924 · 15/08/2023 21:20

Of course you have to tell them. I’d be furious if my parents made a decision like that on my behalf when I was an older teenager or young adult!

Fedupsequin · 15/08/2023 21:21

My mil never told my dh (luckily he made an impromptu trip to his GD the day before his passing) and thirty years later he’s still angry with her about it. Please tell them.