Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

203 replies

HartBrake · 15/08/2023 19:56

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 15/08/2023 21:21

I would tell them @HartBrake , they can make their own decision but they might be angry/upset if you didn't give them the chance to try and get back and say their goodbyes.

Inthetropics · 15/08/2023 21:23

You were not wrong in telling them to go. In your shoes I'd update them and it would then be their choice to either come back or continue their travel. If you know what their grandma was likely to wish for them to do, I'd tell them this.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 15/08/2023 21:23

You should tell them. They are old enough to make their own decision about this. I would be very cross if someone didn't tell me in this situation. You can tell them it's not necessary for them to come back but they do need to know.

purplebluediscorain · 15/08/2023 21:24

I would tell them but make it clear that you all are happy for them to stay where they are. You can’t not tell them. I found out my dad had died on my sisters boyfriend birthday late at night through the police… I had to drive and go and tell her while she was having a nice night putting her Christmas tree up. I know she’d of hated it if we didn’t tell her that night.

for your DC it’s most likely grandparent would rather them be enjoying themselves on a holiday so it really is up to them if they want to come home.

CoffeeLover90 · 15/08/2023 21:26

I would tell them. I wouldn't ask them to stay or come home, they're old enough to make their own choice.

If they choose to stay, try and focus on the thought that their last moments together were happy. That's their final memories of her.

I am very sorry for what's to come. I hope she finds comfort in those around her Flowers

CuteCillian · 15/08/2023 21:26

Be truthful, but of course they should go. There is nothing they can contribute to ease their Grandmother's passing.

Mumwithbaggage · 15/08/2023 21:27

As a parent of adults I'd say look , grandma has deteriorated quickly. Sadly she might not live long, maybe not even long enough for you to make it back. She wouldn't want you to worry, she knows how much you love her. I know it's hard but will leave it to you (obvs help with finding flights if needed) but we all nderstand either way. Maybe find a way to remember grandma in something lovely you see. And we love you unconditionally whatever you choose. It's hard xx

Blanketpolicy · 15/08/2023 21:29

If it was me on holiday I would want to know so I could make my own decisions. I would struggle to forgive anyone who took that away from me.

I would 100% tell ds, we have discussed it before when there was a similar scenario with one of his friends and he said he would always want to know.

Curseofthenation · 15/08/2023 21:31

You should tell them. At this point they probably wouldn't come home earlier but they deserve to know. I would be so upset if this information was kept from me.

JudgeRudy · 15/08/2023 21:34

What do you mean by you 'let' them? They're adults. They don't need your permission. You gave them the information you had at the time and they went on holiday. Tbh I don't think that was a wrong decision however even if it was, it wasn't your decision.
You have enough on your plate atm. Be strong for your OH and FIL and take a moment to he kind to yourself too. I'm sure your MIL appreciates everything you've done for her and her family

Bumblebee112 · 15/08/2023 21:34

I’m so sorry for what your family are going through @HartBrake 💐 I’ve been there and it’s really hard.

If I’m honest, I can’t believe the number of people that are saying they wouldn’t tell them 😔 Please don’t take away their right to choose. My relationship with my parent would have really really suffered if they had kept something like that from me. I really would struggle to forgive that.

Sitting with a loved one as they go is a really difficult experience, and not one that everyone can or wants to do. But they should have the right to at least try to make it home if they want to!

babyproblems · 15/08/2023 21:35

What would the point of their return be..? I don’t mean that to sound callous. But are you all sitting at her bedside? I wouldn’t tell them to return. They’ve seen her, they know she will go soon. I would tell them she is deteriorating but I’d encourage them to stay. If they were adamant ok come home but it won’t really change anything. Sorry your family is experiencing this, xx

babyproblems · 15/08/2023 21:36

Mumwithbaggage · 15/08/2023 21:27

As a parent of adults I'd say look , grandma has deteriorated quickly. Sadly she might not live long, maybe not even long enough for you to make it back. She wouldn't want you to worry, she knows how much you love her. I know it's hard but will leave it to you (obvs help with finding flights if needed) but we all nderstand either way. Maybe find a way to remember grandma in something lovely you see. And we love you unconditionally whatever you choose. It's hard xx

Yes this x

stayathomer · 15/08/2023 21:37

I’m so sorry but you need to tell them. My mum told me my uncle had died after I made a holiday journey when I could have gone to his funeral and we weren’t even that close but I was livid and still kind of am. Try not to feel guilty, best of luck with all of this and hope you all get through ok

Missingmyusername · 15/08/2023 21:38

She wouldn’t want them to come back- I wouldn’t. A phone call will suffice i think-they may not even make it.

I’m sorry 💐

ladydorito · 15/08/2023 21:40

Please tell them. I was on holiday when my darling grandma passed away, expectedly but unexpectedly if you see what I mean - we knew it would be within months but the end came on extremely quickly. I got the first flight back - there was no way I would have enjoyed a second of the holiday after my dad rang me to tell me the news. I didn't get to say goodbye before she died, but I did get to visit her for a precious half hour at the chapel of rest which I would not have been able to do had I seen out the rest of the holiday.

I would have been so very angry with my parents had they left it until I came home and taken that choice away from me.

I think it's okay to make it clear you will not be angry if they choose to continue their holiday, but the choice should absolutely be theirs.

Thinking of you all 💐

Skyblue18 · 15/08/2023 21:41

I can only express what I would do. I would inform them of the situation and tell them Gran would want them to enjoy their holiday as best they can under the circumstances and not to worry. I'd also reassure them it was nobody's fault as those situations can be really unpredictable. My DH Gran passed away suddenly when we were abroad on holiday. We were told immediately. DH was really upset he wasn't around to be with the family but he understood it wasn't his fault. We spent time reminiscing and still managed to enjoy our break.

Dolores87 · 15/08/2023 21:45

You were not unreasonable for encouraging them to go but i do think you should tell them straight away incase they want to try and get home. I dont think i would be able to forgive my parents for not telling me and giving me the option to try and come home.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 15/08/2023 21:45

I would tell them , they are old enough to make their own decisions as to what they want to do . If it was me , I would be angry if I wasn't told .

FirstTimeBoyMum21 · 15/08/2023 21:46

We lost my grandfather last year and although he hadn’t been in great health for some time, none of us saw it coming. Due to distance my mum and none of the grandchildren made it before he passed, but if we’d been in the situation you’re describing I absolutely would have wanted to go one more time and talk to him one more time. I chose to attend the hospital before the undertakers arrived, and ok, he wasn’t the Gramps I remember, but that man had been taken by his illness some years before. Your children are adults, please let them make this decision for themselves. Be there to support them in whatever they choose. Wishing your family strength at this difficult time.

Aquestioningmind · 15/08/2023 21:47

Tell them and let them, as adults, make their own informed decisions. You shouldn’t take that choice away from them.

I’m really sorry for your loss.

Gh12345 · 15/08/2023 21:47

Personally I wouldn’t tell them, let them enjoy their holiday and wait till they come back

CantFindTheBeat · 15/08/2023 21:48

Is your daughter 17?

If so, that's a lot of pressure to put on a young person if you leave it up to her to decide.

If you do choose to tell them, I'd suggest being prepared to give your guidance on what you think she should do.

I'm so for your situation x

SadBut · 15/08/2023 21:48

You've GOT to tell them OP.
They'll never trust you again otherwise

BellaJuno · 15/08/2023 21:50

Hand on heart, I would tell them. They’re basically adults and they can decide what they want to do. I’d reassure them there’s no expectation they come home but the choice should be theirs to make.