To ask you hand on heart what you would do if you where in my situation

[HartBrake]

Ok so I’ll try my best to keep this short but I tend to waffle at times so apologises in advance. My dh’s mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago and she was given a prognosis of a few months. My dh is, as you can imagine, devastated as are our dc. We have all obviously rallied round and done our best to suppose one another and took it in turns to do errands for dh’s parents and even though we knew we didn’t have a lot of time wirh DMIL we planned to make the best of the time we had. For example we’d planned to take her to the seaside to play on the amusements which she loved. Today me and my dh have visited his parents and after only seeing her on Sunday it was viable that she had gone downhill fast. The doctor was called and she has then told us that DMIL has 24/48 hours. So to say we were all shocked and devastated is an understatement. Now I know this might sound selfish but aside from worrying about my MIL and my DH DC and everyone else I feel really really guilty. You see earlier today my older two (adult) children flew out for a weeks holiday abroad. They booked it ages ago and they’d asked me if they were ok to go due to the situation with their grandma and I told them to go and enjoy themselves. I said this as I knew what grief lay ahead for them and even my father in law told them to go sayijrnlofe is short plus we were confident their gran would still be here on their return. So I guess what I’m asking is have I behaved unreasonably telling them to go and AIBU to not tell them until they get back?

It's right that they went but you didnt see her on Sunday and come home and tell the kids she was fine before packing them off today did you?

So operate a Dont Ask Dont Tell policy. If they ask about her, tell the truth , if they dint, then it's becausethey dont want to know until they are home

Completely agree with this.

My family knew for 3 months that my mum was dying and many waited until the death bed call to come and see her. She was spaced out of her mind, she looked awfully ill and if she been in her right mind she would have been embarrassed.

Thre was no value in everyone swooping in, she could barely talk and we, the family who had been there every day, especially in the week before when she took a big downturn, had to do the polite thing of stepping out so they could say goodbye, knowing that those last few moments to offer quiet comfort were dwindling away, because despite knowing for months, none of them had the foresight or decency to visit when she could mentally comprehend what was going on.

I didnt realise it at the time, but the people coming in during the week before and the hospital trips before that, making time to brighten her spirits and be there for her, were being so respectful by being there when mum had her dignity and could enjoy their company and stepped back in the last 48 hours to give her, her children and her partner privacy and time to support her.

My mums last 48 hours were a disgraceful spectacle.

I would never disown someone for wanting to privately support a person through their death.

I watched my mum die, waited and watched for her last breath, her last hand squeeze, the injections and oxygen staff gave and took away. It was traumatic. The grandchildren dont need to be there for that, and the dad doesn't need to be there for his mum and try to support his kids simultaneously.

I wouldn't tell them personally. What are they going to be able to do to help? Nothing.
You'll only end up with 2 rattled, distressed, out of pocket teenagers, in another country, trying to navigate their way home. Bare in mind they'd also have to buy new flights. Can they afford that? Would you be able to deal with the agro of getting money to them if not?