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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him about his outing with this lady?

225 replies

Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 09:45

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

OP posts:
GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 14/08/2023 09:50

Oh I feel this. It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it? I’d write something like you said, but then regret it!

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 09:51

He's not tied to you and he doesn't owe you an explanation, although I would also be put out by this. I wouldn't ask, wait and see what happens with planning for the next trip. Do you chat between trips at all? If they are mutual FB friends you could like the post and see if that prompts any discussion with him or her.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 14/08/2023 09:51

And then I’d withdraw massively, but I’m not sure those are the best responses.

Wait for someone else to give more sensible advice 😆.

Original poster
Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 09:53

Just noticed that one of the videos she posted is him helping demonstrate a particular technique we use in the sport. I’ve been asking him for a year to show me and we’ve never actually done it. I feel like saying “oh, glad you found time to show her xyz. I’ve only been asking you for a year!”.

Absolutely fuming, honestly.

(completely acknowledge that if the video had been of him showing one of his male club-mates, I wouldn’t have cared).

OP posts:
Original poster
Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 09:54

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 09:51

He's not tied to you and he doesn't owe you an explanation, although I would also be put out by this. I wouldn't ask, wait and see what happens with planning for the next trip. Do you chat between trips at all? If they are mutual FB friends you could like the post and see if that prompts any discussion with him or her.

We chat every day! Although he’s been quiet the last two days….

OP posts:
WunWun · 14/08/2023 09:55

This is what happens when you have casual sex though. He's free to do what he wants so you have no business asking him or making comments.

If you want to seriously date someone you can't rush into sex before discussing where it's going etc. Well, you can but stuff like you're experiencing now happens

Cherryana · 14/08/2023 09:55

You are seeing a snapshot and don’t know any context. He probably didn’t go specific ally to the court to show her the technique. They were probably just there at the same time.

Plus they were not alone if someone was videoing them.

Original poster
Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 09:57

WunWun · 14/08/2023 09:55

This is what happens when you have casual sex though. He's free to do what he wants so you have no business asking him or making comments.

If you want to seriously date someone you can't rush into sex before discussing where it's going etc. Well, you can but stuff like you're experiencing now happens

Doing it is one thing. Posting it on social media (he shared her post!) is just blatant disrespect, surely. He knew I’d see it.

OP posts:
TennisWithDeborah · 14/08/2023 09:58

I think that what was originally a mutually-agreeable Friends With Benefits arrangement has now morphed into something deeper.

Maybe it’s only on your side, maybe it’s not. He could feel the same.

Theoretically he has done nothing wrong because he is not your boyfriend. If you want to take the relationship to a new level, you need to tell him. Not via snippy remarks, but via a proper telephone conversation. It’s very possible that he’ll be really pleased but prepare for disappointment too, just in case.

WunWun · 14/08/2023 09:58

But as far as he knows you know that you're not in a relationship or tied to him in any way. He thinks you're having casual sex. Why should he think he needs to hide anything or that you'd care if you saw?

Original poster
Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 09:58

Cherryana · 14/08/2023 09:55

You are seeing a snapshot and don’t know any context. He probably didn’t go specific ally to the court to show her the technique. They were probably just there at the same time.

Plus they were not alone if someone was videoing them.

She was holding the phone and he was demonstrating. They were definitely alone.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 14/08/2023 09:59

If you have only been home 30 hours does that mean that at the most he spent one day with her? When does the tournament finish?

At a guess, I would say that maybe your chat spooked him a bit and he is getting all commitment phobic, a fresh face comes along who fancies him and he is telling himself he wants to be free to do what he wants. Sadly.

But only time will tell. You will have to see what he's like and take it from there. But not by text?!

But if he is unusually quiet i would say either he wants to cool it or he is being a coward because he knows you will be upset.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 14/08/2023 09:59

But he is not your partner/bf/something serious - why on earth do you feel you have the right to be miffed?! You and him have a casual thing. Stop seeing him casually if youve suddenly decided you want more. This isnt his fault in anyway. Ask him if you want, but i dont think it'll be a great look, especially as you and him both know its casual, and youre not feeling very 'casual' anymore apparently/suddenly

PegasusReturns · 14/08/2023 10:01

Do not do passive aggression, but put your cards on the table:

”I really like you, I think you feel the same can we make a go of things”

what have you got to lose?

Original poster
Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 10:01

Chamomileteaplease · 14/08/2023 09:59

If you have only been home 30 hours does that mean that at the most he spent one day with her? When does the tournament finish?

At a guess, I would say that maybe your chat spooked him a bit and he is getting all commitment phobic, a fresh face comes along who fancies him and he is telling himself he wants to be free to do what he wants. Sadly.

But only time will tell. You will have to see what he's like and take it from there. But not by text?!

But if he is unusually quiet i would say either he wants to cool it or he is being a coward because he knows you will be upset.

He was the one who raised the conversation, not me!

I always kept it super cool and casual.

He sat me down and said it made him sad because he actually really liked me and we should have a conversation about it because he didn’t know where he stood with me! I had never said I word prior to that.

OP posts:
Blondey2023 · 14/08/2023 10:01

I'm with you OP, this would piss me off massively too! My advice would be to disengage with him.

Sapphire387 · 14/08/2023 10:02

I think you need to define the relationship- it sounds like you want more from hin than just casual sex.

WelcomeEverythingIsFine · 14/08/2023 10:02

I think I would go with something along the lines of ‘I was a bit surprised to see photos of you with X on Facebook, I appreciate we don’t owe each other anything but after our conversations less than 48 hours ago about how much we’ll miss each other it somewhat caught me off guard. I might be getting the wrong end of the stick and I know this is casual due to our locations but I don’t want to be one of a string of women. So if you could let me know the situation I’d appreciate it.’

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 10:03

It is probably innocent given it has been shared on SM.

I would wait and see if he messages you. If you do want to continue with a relationship (what you have now is a casual arrangement) you need to be open and discuss boundaries.

It doesn't sound like a relationship is viable though given you live in different cities. How far are you from each other? It's also unfair to ask him to keep to your current arrangement he may be looking for a partner.

WunWun · 14/08/2023 10:04

In your position I would pull back completely. If he questioned it I would say something along the lines of that I had been feeling like I wanted more from the relationship and seeing him with her had made me sad.

I would fully expect him to say that he isn't looking for commitment and doesn't want to take it further though

toomanyleggings · 14/08/2023 10:04

Honestly it won’t go anywhere. Very rare for meaningful relationships to come out of casual things. If he wanted to couple up with you he’d have been travelling to see you and dating you properly. Distance or not. You’ve caught feelings and he hasn’t. I’d put an end to this now before you get even more hurt. Stop replying to him and just be polite at your events. If he asks just say you’re no longer available in that capacity. Do yourself a favour

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 10:04

You must realise he is probably seeing a few women casually at home? He may have a full time GF that you know nothing about.

WandaWonder · 14/08/2023 10:06

You are either serious or not, you are not children and you don't own each other

Sure even in a relationship if you thought cheating you would communicate like adults, well meant too

GalileoHumpkins · 14/08/2023 10:06

You have a friend's with benefits situation, nothing more than that. He's free to see other people.

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 10:07

Seems like he might be a bit of a game player.
I'd not ask the question- you didn't make each other any promises- but I'd let him drive future conversations for a while.