To ask him about his outing with this lady?

[Greeneyedme]

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

I think you should do as you said up post. Just say hey did we have that conversation? It feels like you've moved on already - what's happening?

I don't mean to be unkind, but honestly I find this thread incredibly tiresome to read. Your communication is so wishy washy - no wonder you've ended up in a situation where you feel unhappy. Just decide what you want and articulate it. Stop playing games and be authentic.

It may or may not happen, but other people are not mind readers.

OP, it sounds like you actually really like this man, but that a fear of putting yourself out there/being rejected/it publically not working out, is making you hold back with your feelings and with affection, and it's why you're maintaining that you're not looking for committment or a relationship, whilst at the same time implying that you were/are waiting for him to restart the conversation about where your relationship is headed next.

You said the messages from him since have just been normal, friendly messages. You can initiate the conversation to gain clarity and make yourself heard. You don't need to wait for him. Saying nothing may even make him doubt your interest.

And is distance is the only reason you can think of not to try for more? When I met my DH he was about to move 3 hours away from me. We did long-distance for a year and then he moved back towards me. My DB is now married to a woman who was working abroad when they were dating. If distance is the only hurdle it tends to sort itself out if the relationship is worth having.

I think this is the best approach.

You clearly know him well, despite the vagueness of your 'relationship' to each other, and he doesn't sound a complete arsehole or anything, so be honest. Really, what's the worst that could happen? You end up a bit embarrassed?

As an aside, at some point you are going to have to be a little bit vulnerable in any relationship. All this 'cool girl' stuff is totally fine if it makes you happy, but if you ever want something real with someone then you do have to actually let them know how you feel.

The passive thing is just me having years of bad experiences with men and not wanting to put myself out there, emotionally. Massive rejection sensitivity, I suppose!

And in this case you were right to be cautious, weren't you?

I wonder this, too.

No. He moved out once I checked out. He went to stay with one of the guys in the team but no idea how long for. He may have then moved into her hotel. Not clue. I hadn’t considered that.

i can’t find the poster who asked but i’m
in my early 40s and have a ton of responsibilities in my home city. So long distance isn’t something I’d actively seek out. That said, it’s been less than 2 days since this conversation, which we didn’t finish having, so I haven’t really processed whether I’d want more. But when I said I don’t “want” it, I mean I’m not actively hoping for that (at this stage), but doesn’t mean I’d rule it out if he put his cards on the table.

Realistically I always imagined one of us woild get into a proper relationship and it would run its course. I didn’t expect to see something plastered over the internet, 2 days after I left him though, and after the conversation we had.

It’s left me confused because I was still processing feelings I didn’t really even realise I had 48 hours ago.

Op, I think all you can really do is ask him, you won't get any answers from anyone else. We can all speculate, but as none of us are him, we don't have the answers.
Good luck, it's obvious how highly you think of him.

This thread has got me scratching my head.

I honestly can't see what the poor bloke has done wrong or am I missing something?

He seems to have spent a day with a club mate who just happens to be the opposite sex?

The fact he shared on SM just confirms to me it was two friends on a trip, surely if something was going on it would be kept on the QT?

I know lots of people who do this, openly share activities they do with friends on SM but keep anything with a partner (especially if new) off it, as it's much more private and they don't want speculation and gossip until things are "official".

If this was a female posting on here, saying that her friends with benefits was getting jealous about her platonic male friend the MN massive would screaming about red flags and telling her to run a mile!

Oh I'm the same.

The op said its always been casual and she's sleeping with other people and she's never intended on taking the fwb relationship a step further and still isn't sure.

My feelings are op sees this man as HER fwb when they meet up and is jealous thinking she has a rival.

I think the whole posting pictures is innocent. What have they actually done to suggest he's doing something wrong? And I suspect there's pictures because it's her that's initiated the picture taking, they were also posted to her socials and he shared.

I also don't get why someone above has wondered if he's moved into the 'love rivals' hotel room and if he's a roving lothario. All that from a few pictures of a day out🤷‍♀️

Op
I think he's done this to illicit a reaction from you tbh

And it's worked

For me - that says something and maybe that's what he hoped

I once adopted the same tactic . It's a bit childish granted but I think he's searching for an answer one way or the other from you

If it's brought out the green eyes - it's because you have feelings for him and I suspect he wants to know

So just lay cards on the table . Be honest . Stop pussyfooting.

What part of that post suggests he's done something to get a reaction from OP? All he's done is spend a day with someone from his team?

I'm going with a Triathlon

Bobsleigh, international 3 legged race championship and egg and spoon race olympics

You are way more into this than he is, caught some feelings and have ended up acting like a silly teenager over it. I think the saying is "give your head a wobble"?

I get that you might be feeling jealous or even a little hurt. I don't get why you're annoyed though and feel hard done by. You're not dating, you're Fk Buddies.
lt sounds like youve also made a lot of assumptions, eg the need to be decrete etc. Did you both actually 'agree' this, or is it something yiuve just fallen into or maybe youve instigated and hes followed suit? If you want more you should have spoken up when you were together. There's still time though. Irrespective of what has/happened with this woman you need to think carefully about what you want. You've not mentioned dating or having sex with anyone else. Are you exclusive? Do you even know - more assumptions? What's stopping you picking up the phone and telling him how you feel?

With the greatest respect OP, is sounds like he actually doesn’t really know what’s going on with you two and maybe he wants more? Maybe he’s actively seeking something and saw an opportunity with this other woman who was more open and affectionate with him? You said yourself you are sleeping with other people so you can’t really be cross that he’s potentially doing the same!

It's just simple hissy fit because someone stepped into your fuck buddy territory. People get sometimes territorial about their fuck buddies even if they don't want relationship. There is always hypocrisy inolved as well with "I can sleep with others, the other can't". Possessiveness is not pretty.

There is no actual relationship, he did nothing wrong. Leave him be and either have gun nect time, or stop it. I would recommend the latter since you are working yourself up, you are crossing fuck budy boundaries

I'm glad it wasn't just me @YerArseInParsley 😂

Take comfort in knowing you're not alone 🤣

@Greeneyedme

Is there an update,? What's happened since?

Me too! I completely got where OP was coming from and rooting for her and him to sort it out.

I have the funniest update EVER on this. I had forgotten to update it here.

The lady in the video messaged and propositioned ME (I won’t go into detail as it’s v identifying but there’s no doubt that’s what it was). I didn’t really know what to make of that. I’m so so SO sure she said she had a boyfriend. It was a hilarious outcome though.

Meanwhile long distance man and I keep in touch but I’ve distanced myself a bit. We may cross paths again at an event later in the year but nothing serious for now.

That's sn unexpected twist for sure!

I don't think I'd write off the point that the previous poster made about the fact that it make have ended up on social media precisely because there was nothing but friendship. I've got a few male friends I see, and while I'm not massively social media-ish I wouldn't think twice about taking some photos with them, precisely because things are entirely platonic and there's nothing there.

Maybe he recommended you?!