To ask him about his outing with this lady?

[Greeneyedme]

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

He sat me down and said it made him sad because he actually really liked me and we should have a conversation about it because he didn’t know where he stood with me! I had never said I word prior to that.

How did you respond and what was the conclusion? Because if you told him what you've told us - that you're not looking for commitment - then you've got no leg to stand on in being pissed off with him. He most likely took you at your word and found some other fun. And why shouldn't he?

As for the technique - honestly, pay a coach for a few lessons. Don't be dependent on him to learn it.

This is so very very true (and thank you for understanding that we’re all just human and it’s not always reasonable!).

"He sat me down and said it made him sad because he actually really liked me and we should have a conversation about it because he didn’t know where he stood with me!"

It sounds to me like he told you he was interested in something a bit more committed and maybe you weren't as clear in return. It's possible he shared these photos with the intention that you'd see and wonder if you had competition, as you put it.

But you're sleeping with other people? I don't understand.

You seem to think your FWB rules are universal. They aren't, you really need to assess if you are cut out for this type of relationship. The key factor that makes it successful is not having a claim over each other.

It sounds like you envisage a de facto real relationship behaviour? I think your boundaries aren't matching anymore - these things tend to have limited timelines when more romantic v sexual feelings get involved.

I told him I felt the same but I’d never really expressed it as I didn’t know if he did too (which is somewhat true. It would be more truthful to say I’d never let myself feel anything for him because I didn’t really think it could be any more than it was). Once he’d said it though, I definitely saw the whole thing in a different light. Still not with the prospect of a relationship necessarily, that would be massively jumping the gun, but with an acknowledgment that we definitely mean more to each other than just FWB.

The key here really is that he and I having this conversation was so unexpected and was so brief, that we kind of said it all, and then I left the country and that was that!

So there’s not really been any time to think about or discuss whether it could possibly be anything else.

Reality check #1: you're both seeing other people, and one heart-to-heart doesn't mean anything other than - as you said - you both like each other, which should've been obvious from the fact that you always hook up if there's an opportunity.

Reality check #2: Him saying he really likes you and will miss you doesn't mean that he doesn't have or can't form a similar but deeper relationship with somebody else (if that's even what it is with this other woman).

This is the reality of casual relationships. Either accept it and keep having fun, or don't accept it and either break it off or float the idea of making it more formal and exclusive. Ball's in your court, but I suspect the fact that you're getting this jealous over him showing somebody else that technique suggests that door #2 might be setting both of you up for failure.

Wait - so you are sleeping with other people as well, but you are upset he might be too?! What on earth?! And you want to know where you 'stand' with him - surely you stand exactly where he stands with you, FWB, that like each other, to want to sleep together?

You're sleeping with other people too? Ha! This is a non story tbh. Asking him about it is ridiculous 😂

@Greeneyedme re the technique thing, why haven’t you found time over the last year for him to show you? Is it because it just hasn’t been important and you’ve been spending your free time holed up in an AirBnB having sex, whispering sweet nothings etc? If you really wanted him to show you, you’d have found time.

maybe the reason he’s found time to show her the technique is because he has more free time now that you’ve gone home?

anyway, I get why you’re miffed but yes you are being unreasonable.

I think he's a game player and reminds me somewhat of someone who was at a singles ski trip I was on many years ago. He blew hot and cold and seemed to retreat almost immediately as soon as someone responded to his advances.

I don't think it's any coincidence these pictures were posted. I'm not sure what you can do about it except keep a dignified silence. It's a shame that he chose to ruin what had been an enjoyable arrangement up to that point.

To be really honest, if I could say absolutely anything to him it would be “why were you always going on about being discreet etc, but it’s ok to post a whole reel of photos with New Sports Lady? Because that makes me feel shit”.

That’s really all it boils down to.

And yes, he has a right to do that. But it nonetheless made me feel rubbish.

It sounds like you have feelings for him even if you don't think the relationship would work out logistically. I understand why it feels uncomfortable and upsetting but that is because you have feelings for him, it's not actually a reasonable position unless you want to pursue exclusivity.

You know where you stand - he basically told you he really likes you and you said nothing to suggest taking it further, you are sleeping with other people, he likely is too. Nothing you saw actually changes where you already know you stand, you just didn't like seeing it. It sounds like if you wanted to pursue something more serious, he might be up for it.

FWIW I don't think it particularly sounds like they're sleeping together. Sounds like they just hung out and she posts a lot on SM - most people don't post about their hook ups unless it's turning into something.

Just tell him how you feel

Well, honestly, he’s probably doing with her what he’s doing with you.

If you aren't looking for commitment - maybe he is? You are sounding a bit have your cake and eat it....

And why don't you tell him that? What are you worried that might happen?

You are being unreasonable as you've made it clear you don't want more commitment.

If it hurts that he's seeing others then you need to back off to protect yourself.

You're not partners though, are you?

So he hasn't done anything wrong by spending time with her.

I used to date/be friends with a guy, we started as friends, then a few months later we slept together, he had other "girl friends" and was sleeping with them too. After a while he started saying he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend, didn't like it when I went on dates with guys and was fuming when I slept with one of them a few times. Seemed it was all on his terms and he would never fully commit to me. This went on for 2 years, luckily I was in my early 20s. I had feelings for him too and in the end I had to walk away as it became unbearable seeing him on social media with various other girls. If you aren't in a relationship then he can see other people and so can you, because you had the heart to heart maybe just message and ask him if he slept with this other woman as it looked a bit cosy in the photos, especially if having unprotected sex. You don't sound insane at all, but try to stay calm.

He's stringing you both along. Ditch him

He absolutely has done nothing wrong at all. I completely acknowledge that. Nothing.

It just made me feel a particular way that I feel I may want to address (either with him, or in my own head).

Maybe the reason he felt he had to be discreet with you was because you were a FWB/ meant something more than just a platonic friend? If this woman is married it may be he knows nothing is going on between them and he seeker as no different to one of his male friends. He isn’t being discreet precisely because nothing is going on, the fact he hasn’t tried to hide the fact they’ve spent the day together sort of suggests to me that there is absolutely nothing going on between them and that he doesn’t think of her as an attractive woman/ someone he’d like more with - she’s just a friend in the same way she would be if she was male.

Would you feel the same way if he had posted all of these videos with a man and not a woman?

I have no answers but just wanted to say that we are all human and I completely get where you are coming from. I think I would also feel like you. It's not about having your cake and eating it. It's the fact that he suddenly and unexpectedly disclosed his feelings. That you meant something to him. Your heart filled up and you realised you also had those feelings. It's difficult because you live so far apart. And then suddenly you see him on fb with another lady (who he is probably not sleeping with as it sounds like there hasn't been enough time?). Not only that but he has spent time to explain and teach something you want to learn to this lady. So for you now, there is a conflict because it's f*ed with your head. Unsurprisingly I think.

So maybe leave the ball in his court to call/text you next? Get lessons to learn the technique. I don't think it's worth the confrontation but after your feelings have settled you can think again. Just don't do anything rash. You will definitely regret it.

Not sure Ive helped but I wanted to say that I understand.

Hmmm... I'm inclined to say "consequences of your actions."

You've been casually hooking up with a guy - no strings - and he's been casually hooking up with a woman (you).

As this "fling" has been going on for years, with no serious steps, in either direction, towards making anything more official, I don't think you can be VERY surprised when he begins to do the same thing with someone else.

If you would LIKE it to become more official, then now is the time to clearly state it, because it sounds like you've got competition!

If I were you, there's 2 courses of action. 1: You make the fling into something official. 2 You seriously back off. No more sharing accommodation, and he becomes just "guy you do sport with."