To ask him about his outing with this lady?

[Greeneyedme]

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

Some of your reactions are quite strange, OP. Assuming you’re both single, there’s no need whatsoever to censor one another out of your SM, or to be unduly concerned about who knows about your Airbnb share (though I’ve certainly shared them with male friends without any sexual involvement). You’re behaving as if you’re in a committed relationship and he’s been unfaithful, or looks as if he might be considering it, but you’re having casual sex with one another, so you’re both free to do the same with other people, surely?

Just to clarify, I am not in any way looking for commitment from this man. We live at opposite sides of the country and we only had this conversation about an hour before I had to leave (and it was quite unexpected, and it was induced by him, not me).

I think my annoyance is more that it’s always been something we’ve kept very quiet (we’re always hanging out together on these trips, but people would only know we were friends apart from the few who cottoned on because they realised we were in the same Airbnb the last two trips). If we ever take photos etc, we take them of each other but not together.

I also paid for the Airbnb (he decided to join this trip last min so I said he could just stay with me as I’d already paid). That’s kind of annoying me too.

And the video of him showing her the technique just feels a real slap in the face because we’ve been talking about it FOREVER and never got round to it.

It just feels uncomfortable. Doesn’t mean it’s reasonable of me!

Casual or not, i’m still a person with feelings!

You seem to want to have your cake and eat it. You don’t wish commitment, don’t discuss it with him, and yet seem to wish him to behave like he’s in a committed relationship with you.

it’s casual sex. That’s it. Why would he possibly then think he can’t post pics of him with this woman? You must have known at some point he’d likely enter a relationship?

To me it sounds it is just casual sex and hanging together when you are in the same place so he can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants.

If you're not looking for commitment from him, what are you looking for? I'd absolutely sleep on this several times before contacting him with anything. You had a very casual infrequent friends with benefits set up, and there's nothing to say you were the only woman he was in such a situation with. You're both very single.

Back off, you're feeling jealous, that's fine, just acknowledge that's what it is and don't take any action from that place, as it won't come accross well, or like you want it to.

Step away from your phone, don't make any comment. You're not in a relationship, you shag occasionally and have now realised (probably from seeing the photos of him with someone else) that you have feelings for him. He's had a day out with a woman that you think has a partner, it's only been hours since you left, so you believe that he got out of bed with you and then moved on to her instantly? And why is posting a day out on sm disrespectful? Message him privately and politely ask if he has a nice day, ask what the new member is like, be nice and normal and then consider his responses and decided what to do. Are you looking for more than an occasional bunk up? Is he? If not you have claim on him or who he spends time with. I know it feels horrible but try stick to adult behaviour or you'll feel even worse afterwards

I don’t get the photo thing. You two get to decide, obviously, whether you want to post photos of you together or not online, but he gets to decide what he posts about his own separate life that doesn’t involve you, surely?

I mean, if you want to keep your sexual relationship a secret from the group with whom you do your activity, that’s up to you, but he and the other woman don’t have anything to hide, presumably — or if they did start a sexual relationship, they might not choose to keep it a secret from the rest of the group?

And you were already paying for the Airbnb when you were doing the activity trip alone — you asked him if he wanted to stay with you when he joined the trip. If you’d wanted him to pay half the cost, you should have made that clear at the time. Now you sound like you think he owes you fidelity because you paid for his accommodation!

And yes, it does sound as if you’d like an actual relationship. If so, think it over and talk to him.

You seem to want it all your way.

You say you want no commitment. That's exactly what you have.

What you really want is a low level exclusive long distance relationship.

You blurred the lines here - not him.

Well if she was holding the phone rather than practicing the technique- I say you will win the next match against her. She is a show off and not serious.

On another note, use the Mel Robbins ‘Let them’ technique. They want to practice - let them. They want to upload it and share - let them. It will put their stuff into the background so you can get on with your day.

I think I just feel a bit confused, fresh off of him telling me he he really likes me and would miss me once I went home.

And yes, pretty jealous.

As I say, I’m pretty sure she has a partner anyway so I’m possibly being completely mad.

My AIBU is really just whether IABU to mention it at all? I don’t think it’s absolutely none of my business, 26 hours after he told me had really liked me.

@Greeneyedme why are you keeping it quiet though? And sure if she has a partner, there can't be anything going on otherwise she wouldn't post on Facebook for all to see?

Why don't you tell him exactly what you said here? In my experience, there's no point trying to play cool. It doesn't matter if it's a casual thing, you both must be careful with each other's feelings, and he wasn't!

By "your chat" I meant your chat together. I think other posters are being unkind when it was him who instigated the chat and talk of feelings.

I understand why you wouldn't want your group of sport friends to know about your get togethers. When it's casual, it is prudent to be more private I agree.

Were the photos put up by this woman? Sounds like she had her eye on him, and as soon as you left, made the move and made sure that you knew about it. Which seems pretty shitty of her especially if she has a partner at home.

He has not behaved well and imo should have offered to pay half the Airbnb too.

What outcome would you like? To go back to how things were (at least, in your view)— implicitly exclusive casual sex? Or do you want a committed relationship with him?

Do you know that you’re the only person he’s having sex with? Are you having sex with anyone other than him?

I don’t understand why you kept this relationship so secret for so long, though you seem to think most people in your club had worked it out. Why not be more open about it, and extend the relationship to other areas of your life, not just the sport, unless you are not owning up to one or more of you having partners.

I bet it’s badminton btw!

What do you actually want?

If you want a relationship with him then you need to communicate that as at the moment, you're sending clear signs you just want casual.

If you want casual, you can't object to him being casual with other people or even seeking out a proper relationship.

This is a really good question. I am sleeping with other people, yes (I mean, they’re not queuing out the door but I certainly don’t consider myself remotely exclusive with this man. Until 26 hours ago I didn’t think he thought of me as anything other than a FWB).

I think I just want to know if there’s something going on so I have a better view of where I stand.

And I want to throw my toys out the pram that he showed her the technique he and I had been talking about for a year. It may not be reasonable but it’s true! For some reason, that’s the part that’s really getting to me!

Do you know if he's married? You didn't say.

You seem to be the one wanting to have your cake and eat it
you can’t want a casual thing and then be angry since he hanged with someone else
he was the one telling you he was going to miss you, how did you reacted?
that for me is the very important bit of info - did you two parted una friendly “yeah it was nice see you at the next event”
or in a more “we should give it a go regardless of the distance”
I get you’re jealous and that’s human nature, and yes it’s not nice
if you two decided to explore what you have, yes go ahead and mention “I thought we were giving this a go, are you still on the same page?”
if you parted with a “see you next tournament” - you have no where to stand… doesn’t mean you bm cannot change your heart and let him know “hey I would like to give this a go if you’re up for it”

I think I just want to know if there’s something going on so I have a better view of where I stand.

This is very passive though. The poster asked you what outcome you would like.

I think if I understand, you would like things to be exactly how they were, with confirmation he won't post online about any other women he might be involved with so that you don't have to see him spending time with them.

But I think you know that's not a reasonable request, so you can't ask for that, and that's why you've posted as your head knows that but your heart (or perhaps ego? Not saying that in a bad way, you're only human) but that is what you'd really like.

Might that be the case?

If he instigated the chat and you were ambivalent, could he be trying to make you jealous?

Was just gonna say something about cake and eating it

You have a casual fab thing with him say you don't want more, keep it a secret and say you're sleeping with other people

But he's not allowed to do that ?

So sorry, OP, but he's a player and he's just not that into you. His behaviour is a massive red flag - just be grateful you've discovered this about him so early into your relationship.

Definitely definitely 100% not married.