To ask him about his outing with this lady?

[Greeneyedme]

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

rookiemere · Today 10:54
I think he's a game player and reminds me somewhat of someone who was at a singles ski trip I was on many years ago. He blew hot and cold and seemed to retreat almost immediately as soon as someone responded to his advances.

Do women still go for men like that ????? I think that's gross behaviour.

OP, is it possible he sat you down to let you know he's entering an exclusive relationship, "thank you for the good times, I'll miss you," chickened out half way, and bottled it?

No. Definitely not. That wasn’t the context at all.

and certainly not with this woman. We both met her for the first time last week.

Sounds very much like he’s doing it to get a reaction from you. Bit of a coincidence that he’s jumped from not really knowing her to sharing a post like that publicly when he normally wouldn’t, right after having a chat with you about his feelings for you. I’d bet he’s testing to see if you’ll get jealous. Yes, it’s silly from him but loved up people have done stupid things forever. I’d say something, but casual along the lines of you were hoping he’d teach you and hasn’t lost the enthusiasm to do so after already having had a keen pupil…

So your annoyance isn’t that he might be sleeping with other people, as you are.

Your annoyance is because you observed his rules for years about no PDA / no photos / keeping it secret. And now he has broken his own rules with someone else , someone he has just met. Is that right ?

Are you afraid that he likes you more because he’s willing to be seen in public with her and not you ? Or spend time teaching her , which he didn’t have for you.

Are you concerned that he’s ashamed of you ?

Did you hope that after a certain time of being secret, you would have earned the right to be publicly acknowledged by him ?

Did you think that him saying that he liked you meant that your relationship was now on a different level ? What did you think that would be ?

Is he a lot older than you/ better known / more popular / a lot more senior / better ranked etc ? Because you seem quite passive, asking him if you were” allowed” to be affectionate. I sense of a bit of a power imbalance in your relationship .

@Greeneyedme I completely understand how you feel. Just because it’s casual and just because he hasn’t done anything wrong, doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad or jealous and confused by his actions.

he told you he really likes you
he told you you don’t seem to show it/ give much away.

I think maybe he feels he likes you more than him. This woman maybe filling an (innocent) hole that he no doubt felt after you had left. He was probably glad to have someone else to have fun with/ flirt with, but unlikely what he has experienced with her compares to the ‘relationship’ you and him have developed over time.

as for the social posts/ technique video. Do you think there’s a chance he’s trying to make you jealous?

Why does he want you to be discrete?

Send him a jokey message about being replacded as soon as your back is turned? Keep it light and guage his reaction.

Yes. Correct he broke his own rules (although in fairness, he never said we couldn’t post platonic photos. I just felt that was part and parcel of his discretion thing so never asked).

I’d be surprised if he was ashamed of me. I’m quite (not sure how to say this…) well liked by the male team mates. Although I’ve never had any interest in any of them. But I feel like he is a bit embarrassed nonetheless. Maybe because we spend so much time together?

I haven’t had time to process the conversation he and I had really. I just thought we’d discuss it another time and see what happened. That was before I was faced
with my ‘component’ though. (I’m using that word jokingly….).

The passive thing is just me having years of bad experiences with men and not wanting to put myself out there, emotionally. Massive rejection sensitivity, I suppose!

Op come on now

You're sleeping with others, you can't have it all your way.

Ah OK, it was abit unclear what you meant by open and affectionate. I took it to mean being more open in public and not make conscious effort of hiding your situationship. Based on this he's either truly just friends with her and therefore comfortable with the sharing. Or he just wasn't that into you. I'm still not sure about confronting him but I gues you could ask if there is more going on with that person so you know to take a step back cause you don't want to be one of the many in the same hobby group?

But she intends to stop surely if they agree to be a couple?

Or maybe she doesn't. I'm totally confused now. Maybe this bloke feels the same ......

To me it sounds like he’s testing you a little bit, trying to get a reaction from you! Especially because he started the conversation, then he shared the pictures she put up. They could even have been chatting about you the whole day and she’s in on it and helping him get a reaction from you - although that’s probably a bit far fetched.

As for how you react, I don’t know because to me it would be a red flag if he’s essentially playing games with you, so I’d probably withdraw for that alone. But you could always address it in a calm way and let him know it hurt you and if you were to go further you won’t accept playing games - I’d be more inclined to do that if I could see a future with him.

You've had 'years of bad experiences with men'. How old are you OP? I assumed you were young because you're very passive, easily tipped into competitiveness, seemed to enjoy the thrill of a 'secret' relationship - all of which point to a degree of immaturity in relationships and life.

Why shouldn't he put pix on social media? He's not actually in a relationship with you. For all he knows, you see other blokes.

You're annoyed he didn't show you a certain technique, but if they videoed it surely you can learn the technique from their demonstration? *misses point of thread

Fair enough.

I think the only thing I'd be asking him is for half the cost of the AirBnB.

This has confused me now. I haven't read all comments so I'm sorry I've you've already said.

What is it you want from him if not commitment? Do you see him as YOUR bit of fun on these trips? I suspected you do have feelings if you are jealous.

I think you said the woman is in a relationship. Why would she post those pictures if there was something untoward going on and her partner could see them?

If they look overfamiliar in the pictures/videos you could just say to him you see they look cosy together, what's the situation given the conversation we had before I left? If you have feelings for him and want a relationship then you need to tell him, if not then whatever he does is none of your concern.

is it possible he is happy to post freely about this women because he isn’t having sex with her?

Even with the context you’ve given, it was a very casual, no strings attached arrangement: you met for sex during mutual sports club trips. You can’t even call it a relationship, or seeing each other, dating, or even friends with benefits as there’s no contact outside the sex trips except to refer to the sex trips.

Did he know you’d be leaving early? He may have been acting interested to throw you off and not have you suspect anything as he knew he’d be spending time with the new woman.

So you dont want a relationship but you dont want him to either?

The woman is supposedly married and putting up pictures on social media and that's making you jealous?

OP, of course you are being totally unreasonable in the context of the situationship you have with him, but I can well and truly understand the being pissed off.

I suspect he's far more of a player than you realise.

No pics with you, but with her.
Impressing her with his technique lessons, but not you, despite asking.
Heart to heart only days before.
The idea that he's in your Airbnb shagging her.

You are only human!

The keeping it on the down low would rile me, in particular, but it all would.

I think you are much keener than you admit.
I think he also has more game going on than you realise.

No point in being PA or snide, despite the temptation.

Best to think what you want to come from this.

Will a conversation make things awkward when you see him, if so best to put the activity first and suit yourself.

I would fade him out, keep your pride, but thats me.

Off topic but I love all the mysterious sports mentioned on mumsnet.

OP, when I was younger and looking for a partner, a male friend sat me down and told me something I never forgot. Because I saw that it was true.

Men do not 'test' you or play games if they really want to be with you. If he wants to be in a relationship with youa real one, not the kind you have to hidehe would have pursued that, not kept what he has with you a secret.

I think you care a great deal more for him than you are saying here. And unfortunately he knows this, and is taking advantage of you. He is not the one for you. You deserve someone who is proud to be seen with you.

I know this is hard to hear or accept. I do think it would be better just to distance yourself from this person, even if that means leaving the sport group. You care more than he does, and you are the one getting hurt. You deserve more. You will not get it from this man.

I would ask him that (but better worded). It's a slightly different place from where you started with your OP though - which is fair enough, you're using the thread to try and work out what your actual feelings are.

If you ask him why he wasn't worried about being discreet with her, some other things might emerge (eg 'I'm not sleeping with her') which might lead you to revisit the conversation about how you feel about each other/making a commitment. Or not - it's up to you.