To ask him about his outing with this lady?

[Greeneyedme]

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

Although this isn't the point of the thread, I am laughing every time the OP posts about this guy "showing the technique" to the other woman.

I bet he is!

I think he wants you to feel jealous after your conversation

He isn't your boyfriend and you are not having a relationship. It's immaterial that he said that he likes you/misses you - you said yourself that you live in different cities and therefore isn't going anyway. If you want an exclusive long-distance relationship with him, you should have discussed that during your 'heart to heart', but it seems that you didn't.

I also think you're being weird about the whole social media thing. You say you haven't shared anything on social media about your time with him because you are being 'discreet' - but that's up to you. You've chosen to keep things secret because you think your time with him is something you have to hide (although not sure why, if you're both single). If you choose to keep something secret, you can't complain when other people act as if it never happened - the woman from your sports club doesn't know you've been shagging this man so why would she think it was a problem to share pictures of him?!

Basically, you need to shit or get off the pot. If you want an exclusive relationship with this man, tell him that and see what he says. But if an exclusive relationship can't/won't ever happen, then your choice is either to carry on sleeping with him but accept that he's a single man who has every right to see other women, or to stop sleeping with him and move on. You can't have it both ways.

You're going to have to say something to him, it will drive you insane otherwise.
Perhaps just say something along the lines of
"I hope this doesn't come across as a bit intense, but after our chat the other day I was a bit surprised to see photos online with you and new sports lady together - especially after we have always kept everything between us discreet. Is there anything between you both I need to be aware of for next time we meet up?"

Have you heard much from him this weekend?

Yeah that comes across as both jealous and intense, I’m sorry.

op, personally I don’t think you should say anything, as you are not in a relationship. However if he asks to meet again then would be your time, but if he does, and she’s there it would show they are not together, if he does not ask to meet again, as you say he has went quiet, then you know, he’s dating someone.

No.
Get your feelings in check, don't say a word, hold onto your dignity and don't be available to him unless you want to be.
What he gets up to with other women is not your business. But he wants you to be 'discreet' so you don't put off his other women. You're the standby. Sorry.

The fact that you're shagging other people just makes your annoyance even more batshit.

Ask him if youve got competition in what? You're both sleeping with other people. Look - your not cut out for this particular FWB as clearly you want more. I would not sleep with him anymore - you have others so you'll be ok.

PLEASE dont send him a message asking him about the pictures/who the person is/did they sleep together, you are going to come across even more insane.

But she has admitted she is jealous so perhaps it just needs to be said?

However you phrase it, it's bothered you and will continue to bother you until you address it with him.

You sound juvenile.

I'm 55.

There's nothing wrong with you and you are not insane. You are a normal human being with a heart and all the usual instincts.

It's completely OK and natural that you want to address this with him, and basically continue the conversation about your relationship* that started the other day. It's OK to share your feelings and thoughts with him.

It's very clear to me, from the way you write and your general hesitancy about the whole thing, that there's no grounds at all for posters acting like you want to have a showdown and tell him off, and telling you to box your feelings away and make everything two-dimensional and disposable. You don't need to be told that. You're already doing that. And now you are listening to the feelings that are stirring in you and wanting to share them with the other party in this situation and understand where he's at too. You've every right to do so. What else is life?

• I use the word relationship in the general sense of a relationship between any two people - in which sense, of course you do have a relationship with this man, he's far from being a stranger to you.

Thank you for this.

The entire conversation where we both opened up, stemmed from him saying he’d never heard me talk about my feelings. So maybe on that basis I should. In some ways I have nothing to lose, perhaps?

I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing. But it might be a good time to practice being a bit more open.

Here’s the thing.

You don’t want more. You admit geographically it’s not possible. You also admit you’re sleeping with others.

So basically you want commitment from him to what? Nothing.

You are being completely unreasonable.

What will you gain from telling him you are miffed?

You don’t want a commitment. You live in different cities. You are sleeping with different men, of which he is one.

Is any of the above likely to change? Are either of you going to travel regularly enough to build a relationship and potentially move closer to one another? If the answer is no, then I don’t see the point of bringing it up with him.

Focus on finding someone you can have a proper relationship with if you want commitment.

I understand though that you probably feel hurt although I’d ask if that hurt is not really humiliation?

Don’t say anything to him if you (and he) want to have sex again. You will put yourself in a weaker position and from what you have written, you will end up feeling worse.

Some of the advice on this thread is mad.

Just ask him about it. It's totally reasonable that you would expect him not to start something with someone else the second you leave.

Do not be snide and do not pull away without explanation.

This has articulated exactly how I feel and what I want to communicate to him.

Did we have an amazing week together, a big heart-to-heart (albeit with no conclusion) and then I went home and a day later was replaced. That’s really it.

I’d like to know the answer and I do actually feel I have a right to ask.

Is the sport archery?

I think my annoyance is more that it’s always been something we’ve kept very quiet (we’re always hanging out together on these trips, but people would only know we were friends apart from the few who cottoned on because they realised we were in the same Airbnb the last two trips). If we ever take photos etc, we take them of each other but not together.

why? This is what people having affairs do

Good!

Honestly you sound completely normal and your response is totally normal. The only thing you can do is ask and if it turns out that it was something romantic then he's not very nice.

Good luck.

This is a person who likes a bit of a fling when away from home, having a bit of a fling with someone else who also likes a bit of a fling when away from home.

You can decide that's what you want, or you can decide that's not what you want.

Up to you.

The answer to what though? What's the question?

If you'd ended up spending time with someone else when you got back from the trip would you have felt it necessary to report this back to him? Had he seen this on social media, would it have been reasonable of him to ask you what your intentions were with this other man?

A relationship isn't possible, you're in a friends with benefit fuckbuddy set up, and you have just realised that maybe you're not cut out for it, that's all. I would absolutely take it that he's not interested in anything more with you than what you've currently got and he is comfortable with you knowing that she's in the picture. Not what you want, but that's what you've got.

It's possible to really like someone, and to miss them when they're gone AND also to like other people at the same time. That's what's going on here. You've acknowledged that you're feeling some jealousy, deal with that internallly, don't look to him to fix it.

I'd just ask to have a chat with him and tell him how you feel. Something along the lines of - we had that chat, it made me think about things in a bit of a different light, then when I saw the photos of you and her I was surprised to feel a bit jealous. I think it would be good to agree where we stand with each other because I don't want to spoil our friendship/relationship because of confusion and upset. Then talk about what you each want from tje relationship. You could set out a rule that he can't teach other women techniques :-D

I agree with this

I think he has behaved poorly considering the convo he instigated - resharing the Facebook stuff feels like a bit of a poke in the eye to me, he knows it was something you wanted, no one forgets anything like that especially as he's said he likes you

Sounds very game playing and I would be wary tbh OP

I would message him asking for a contribution to the Airbnb though. You're not his GF so no reason he should assume you'll pay.