To ask him about his outing with this lady?

[Greeneyedme]

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

I think my annoyance is more that it’s always been something we’ve kept very quiet (we’re always hanging out together on these trips, but people would only know we were friends apart from the few who cottoned on because they realised we were in the same Airbnb the last two trips). If we ever take photos etc, we take them of each other but not together.

So this was your choice? He's happy with pda and pictures and if you would have posted something he'd share it? But you don't want this to be public while he's fine with it and now someone else posts pics and he shared them, it was wrong of him?

Also agree with @TennisWithDeborah - no jealous comments, but if you're willing to be a bit less cool and more honest/vulnerable, you could say that it made you feel weird strange the post about the two of them together, like you didn't like that feeling even though you know he's done nothing wrong, so - to follow on from your last chat about opening up - clearly he does mean more to you and you should keep talking, see if/how things might develop between you.

This seems sensible to me.
It also sounds as though he doesn’t like not knowing where he stands, maybe he is trying to make you jealous ?
You need to sort out what you are to each other.

No PDA and no letting on we’re more than friends was always his ‘thing’. Not mine.

We never talked about whether it was ok to post photos on SM together (they wouldn’t have depicted us as any more than friends), but I always assumed it wouldn’t be ok, because of his whole thing about discretion, so I never did it.

Whatever you do OP you have to tread carefully or the dynamic of your relationship will be changed forever and spoil everything

I think that ship sailed the moment he said he had deeper feelings for the OP.

I was wondering this same thing. Maybe spending time with the other woman is trying to flush you out so he knows where he stands. He laid his cards on the table and maybe you didn’t respond as positively as he was hoping, or he felt it was ambiguous. It’s not an especially adult
way to react (if that is what he was doing) but maybe he felt hurt that you didn’t respond as he was hoping you would and so thought, stuff it, I’ll have some fun with Social Media woman. If she is in a relationship then he might feel it safe to do so as there’s no expectation on her side.

The problem with this message is she doesn't want to be one of a string of women part, yet he is one of a string of men. OP has to make a decision here. In this instance, no she cannot have her cake and eat it.

But not deep enough to stump up half the cost of the accommodation she had already paid for ? What does that say about him.

I also thought this was a good way to respond. If he is really into you then it will show him and the way he responds will show you whether he is really into you or not. Then at least you both know where you stand.

I think OP does not want to one of a string of women on these activities.. there is a difference

Is it possible that after the heart-to-heart he expected your messages to become more open and affectionate? And since they just reverted to 'friendly' he's assumed that actually you don't want to change the status of the relationship?

I mean, he could be a player who played with your emotions and is now deliberately flirting with someone else and 'letting' them post photos all over social media to mess with you.

But if you think that isn't who he is. Then, if you want to move this on to a more 'relationship' footing - just call or message him - ask about being exclusive; put a time and date on meeting up together outwith the hobby. But you do need to consider that you feeling jealous/possessive/competitive with this other woman, isn't actually the same as knowing you want to upgrade this relationship. Don't let those negative emotions push you into something as a reaction. He isn't a prize in a competition.

You can't be "cool and casual" and expect him to not see anyone else. Lay your cards on the table next time you see him or have a chat "look, I really like you, do you think we could make a good things?" Otherwise you won't know and will continue to be in the same.positoon. How so you know the only reason he hasn't said anything is because you are being too casual?

And how did you respond to that?

it may be he feels he asked, you weren’t keen.

Agree with this. Talk to him. If you have feelings for him, and he says he does for you, communicate. If he backs away, then you know and won’t agonise about it. If he thinks the relationshiop might have a more permanent future, and this makes you happy, how wonderful. good luck!

OP is shagging other people.

He hasn’t done anything wrong and to be fair to him seems like you’re sending mixed signals especially if you’re shagging around too. He tried to have a conversation about you but you seemed to shut it down or no time up talk about it.

The technique - yes he could’ve shown you but didn’t. Can see why it’s jarring if he’s showing her.

I had a platonic male friend when younger who as well as girlfriends had lots of close female friends. We shared beds with him (fully clothed). Now I can see just what sort of a person he was, eg loving the attention. When we finally dated (for 3 months) because he’d had good looking female friends and girlfriends I wondered finally why he was interested in me.

We’re always kind of like friends who just hang out and then have sex. I never knew if it was ok to show affection.

OP, is this your approach to relationships? I fear for you because far too many have suffered agonising heartbreaks in these so called FWB setups.
Some people seem to enjoy these arrangements, but is this really you? If you hadn’t had ‘the conversation’ before you left, would you have been okay to just carry on with casual, no strings attached kind of thing?
As you yourself can tell, the unpleasant feelings that can arise in these situations and the awkwardness in even trying to address the situation is painful. Take this as a warning and do some soul searching to find out what it is you want out of life and relationships.
This casual approach to sex has destroyed many lives and leaves you vulnerable to STDs and STIs. (condoms are not always the answer)

Try the elastic band approach give him the slack leave it be, don't be that bunny boiler sending snipey texts as that will push him further away. Then see if he snaps back to you! If not then cut your losses. I wouldn't be lowering myself to chase some dude who clearly is trialing his options.

Also this is exactly why the whole friends with benefits is a crock as down the line feelings develop!

This. Some situations need a bit of straight talking.

I think you said it was the other woman who posted. If he hasn't asked her not to, to me it suggests there wasn't anything going on with them. He asked you to keep it on the downlow as there was something going on. I don't necessarily think that is sinister. I guess it affects group dynamics when someone is a couple. I think you should just talk to him honestly - tell him you felt a bit hurt thinking he was with her. This will move your relationship one way or another. Sounds like it has potential.

It's very confusing to work out where you are coming from, @Greeneyedme, because you mention not wanting commitment from him, yet you are jealous he's spending time with someone else. Do you want to pursue a full-blown relationship with this man and have him be your romantic partner or not?

If you do, rather than wade it about this other woman – suddenly morphing into a massive green-eyed monster could have him running for the hills – message him to say you're happy you had the conversation about feelings and can't wait to see him again soon. If he has suddenly been swept off his feet by her - and I really doubt it given it's only been a day! – you'll know things have changed from the tone of his reply. If he's equally warm, you've got nothing to worry about and you can make a joke about being jealous when you next meet up. But keep it light, because he hasn't done anything wrong.

I'd have to be honest about how I was feeling. What's the point of trying to save things by keeping quiet and not rocking the boat? Either you want the same things or you don't. If this isn't developing into anything serious, it's bound to end sooner or later anyway, so there's not much to lose by telling him how you feel and asking for clarification on what he wants from the relationship.

In my experience, those charismatic, flirty kind of men who make you feel like you have a special thing together but don’t make any kind of commitment will have many women on the go.