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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him about his outing with this lady?

225 replies

Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 09:45

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 14/08/2023 12:04

Might be missing the point completely. But how jealous you are seems to me like you do want something more with him, I know you live in different cities but maybe see if something will work? Or your ego might just be a bit bruised (sorry if that's a mean thing to say)

You had a great time with him, you were back home and the fun was over. Next thing you see him enjoying time with another woman and you're p'd off. Having a 'right to be' doesn't come into it if that's how you feel.

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 12:05

Florenceatemycake · 14/08/2023 11:50

Some of the advice on this thread is mad.

Just ask him about it. It's totally reasonable that you would expect him not to start something with someone else the second you leave.

Do not be snide and do not pull away without explanation.

Based on what though? The fact that they are in a FB post together? This woman that OP is pretty sure has a partner? She will come across as hyper vigilant to him potentially seeing other people since she's jumping to that conclusion on little evidence and it will open up a can of worms about whether she wants commitment or not, which as she doesn't, won't end well.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 14/08/2023 12:05

Unless you've discussed your boundaries and expectations around your casual/open relationship then I don't really think you have a leg to stand on.

Cotton55 · 14/08/2023 12:06

WelcomeEverythingIsFine · 14/08/2023 10:02

I think I would go with something along the lines of ‘I was a bit surprised to see photos of you with X on Facebook, I appreciate we don’t owe each other anything but after our conversations less than 48 hours ago about how much we’ll miss each other it somewhat caught me off guard. I might be getting the wrong end of the stick and I know this is casual due to our locations but I don’t want to be one of a string of women. So if you could let me know the situation I’d appreciate it.’

This is perfect. Say this to him.

I'd feel the same as you. It must have been horrible to see those posts. Yes, as pp's are saying, it's always been casual, you've never made a committed each other etc etc but clearly from the discussion you both had very recently, it's a bit more than just completely casual sex. And maybe those photos are completely innocent, who knows? But you need to ask or you'll drive yourself crazy.

5128gap · 14/08/2023 12:08

Id be put out too. For one thing I'm sure it's the talk of the hobby group how no sooner you'd left he takes up with the next one, which would feel uncomfortable to me.
However, if you want to maintain your current arrangement with this man, then without the establishment of any boundaries or shared expectations, this is what it will look like.
Personally I don't think there's a way of raising this woman with him that would be appropriate within the terms of your current set up. So probably more helpful to think about what you want it to look like going forward and then have a conversation about that.

Rewis · 14/08/2023 12:08

I understand that it hurts to see on social media. But I think acting like a jealous girlfriend or jealous ex is not the way to go forward. You're fwb and he's free for alternative hookups as are you.

AlanJohnsonsBeamer · 14/08/2023 12:09

On the fence here.

Obviously I completely I understand how annoying it is for you, I would feel the same to be honest.

But, he is free to see other people as you haven't exactly committed to moving your relationship forward.

I would say, be honest, tell him you like him and would like to explore something further with him. It comes across like that's what you ultimately want.

isthismylifenow · 14/08/2023 12:11

How was the conversation left? I can't see any posts on how you said it was ended. Was it a 'we will need to continue this when we have more time", was it just left as he said his piece, you responded with yours and then that was that?

As perhaps he now feels he was more into you than you are into him, as it sounds like you were a bit evasive.

And now by sharing this post of him showing the special technique is maybe a) a dig at you for not being open, or b) a way to get you to come out with it and be more open, or c) trying to make you jealous.

I think the lesson to take from it, is to be more open with communication? If he doesn't know where he stands, he just doesn't know does he.

HowToSaveAWife · 14/08/2023 12:12

If he's asked you to share your feelings as you don't really do that then I'd wonder was this a ploy to get you to react and cough up how you really feel. Or if he's fed the fuck up waiting for you to open up.

But tbh this all sounds like too much work, you don't seem as much into him as you are into getting an explanation so I would... Ghost.

SnakesandKnives · 14/08/2023 12:13

I wouldn’t be at all surprised, from the things you have said
(specifically that he brought up the convo about your relationship and that you think she has a partner already) if his response to any questions was that he isn’t doing anything with her aside from sport and that’s why no issue sharing it on SM.

as you say, you’ve literally see a pic of them having lunch and a short video of them learning/teaching a sports technique….at an ‘event’ for a specific sport. For me this is hardly smoking gun territory but heh

not a single other comment in 5 pages that hasn’t decided already that he’s sleeping with this woman which I find quite surprising!

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 12:14

SnakesandKnives · 14/08/2023 12:13

I wouldn’t be at all surprised, from the things you have said
(specifically that he brought up the convo about your relationship and that you think she has a partner already) if his response to any questions was that he isn’t doing anything with her aside from sport and that’s why no issue sharing it on SM.

as you say, you’ve literally see a pic of them having lunch and a short video of them learning/teaching a sports technique….at an ‘event’ for a specific sport. For me this is hardly smoking gun territory but heh

not a single other comment in 5 pages that hasn’t decided already that he’s sleeping with this woman which I find quite surprising!

Tbf I've said I don't think he is!

readbooksdrinktea · 14/08/2023 12:15

tennesseewhiskey1 · 14/08/2023 09:59

But he is not your partner/bf/something serious - why on earth do you feel you have the right to be miffed?! You and him have a casual thing. Stop seeing him casually if youve suddenly decided you want more. This isnt his fault in anyway. Ask him if you want, but i dont think it'll be a great look, especially as you and him both know its casual, and youre not feeling very 'casual' anymore apparently/suddenly

All of this.

You caught feelings, apparently, so FWB no longer works for you. That's fine, but he owes you no explanations.

Bexx87 · 14/08/2023 12:16

It's the nature of casual sex. He gets to have you there on the sidelines while he's allowed to go and see whoever else he wants. If he's made it clear to you that he's not committed to you then I don't think you can say anything.

user1471538283 · 14/08/2023 12:16

I would remove myself from the situation completely. You expected that he might consider your feelings and he didn't. I'd let them get on with it

Gymnopedie · 14/08/2023 12:19

I don't think he's being a player, I think his actual words matter.

He said that he really likes you and will miss you. All that says to me is that he sees you as a proper friend, rather than just someone he likes to spend time with if you happen to bump into each other. So if you have sex when you do meet up that makes it FWB as opposed to a shag when you're together and get on with your own lives when you're not.

I can understand that you feel miffed, that how he's being with the new woman at the club is different to how he is with you. But before you do anything you're going to have to have a long hard talk with yourself to work out (a) what YOU want and (b) what you want from him. At the minute you only seem to know what you don't want.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 14/08/2023 12:19

He’s just not that in to you as you think. Accept you will be friends with benefits or move on!

Missingmyusername · 14/08/2023 12:20

TennisWithDeborah · 14/08/2023 09:58

I think that what was originally a mutually-agreeable Friends With Benefits arrangement has now morphed into something deeper.

Maybe it’s only on your side, maybe it’s not. He could feel the same.

Theoretically he has done nothing wrong because he is not your boyfriend. If you want to take the relationship to a new level, you need to tell him. Not via snippy remarks, but via a proper telephone conversation. It’s very possible that he’ll be really pleased but prepare for disappointment too, just in case.

^ This

Prepare for your pride to be hurt just in case. May have just really hit it off with the new person.

Original poster
Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 12:21

isthismylifenow · 14/08/2023 12:11

How was the conversation left? I can't see any posts on how you said it was ended. Was it a 'we will need to continue this when we have more time", was it just left as he said his piece, you responded with yours and then that was that?

As perhaps he now feels he was more into you than you are into him, as it sounds like you were a bit evasive.

And now by sharing this post of him showing the special technique is maybe a) a dig at you for not being open, or b) a way to get you to come out with it and be more open, or c) trying to make you jealous.

I think the lesson to take from it, is to be more open with communication? If he doesn't know where he stands, he just doesn't know does he.

He told me he was sad I was never open/affectionate.

I told him that was because I was never really sure what our dynamic was. We’re always kind of like friends who just hang out and then have sex. I never knew if it was ok to show affection.

He said it definitely was and I should’ve just asked him that.

Then we both said how much we liked each other and how much we’d miss one another, and we’d chat asap about when to meet next.

We’ve exchanged some messages since. Nothing romantic. Just our usual friendly stuff.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 14/08/2023 12:22

Even if you and he were in a relationship, I'm not sure he has done much wrong here. Unless you have an agreement in your relationship that you won't spend time alone with opposite sex friends - I know some people do feel strongly about that - he's really just been socialising with a woman during a wider mixed sex social event. I see no evidence at all that has slept with her or anything of that sort. If she has a partner (as you suspect) she would hardly be sharing her affair on SM surely?

Can't you tell from her SM whether she is in a relationship? Most people make it relatively obvious.....

Anyway, the key to all of this is how your conversation with him was left. Did you agree exclusivity? Did you admit you had feelings for him?

And what do you actually want going forwards? Could it be that seeing him (possibly) with someone else has made you realise your feelings are stronger than you thought?

Anyway, just message and tell him you are missing him (if you are). See what he says. Don't mention the woman - she's neither here nor there. What's important is that you and he communicate clearly and honestly about what you both want going forwards. Hopefully it will turn out you both want the same - as he initiated the feelings chat, I would say the signs are good!

Ilovelurchers · 14/08/2023 12:24

Just saw your update. So no actual mention of exclusivity?

Well that's the next thing to discuss then. Sounds like you will be happier if he can reassure you he isn't seeing others. So arrange to meet up ASAP and share this with him. He can either say yes or no - either way it is better to know.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 14/08/2023 12:26

He sounds like a fuck buddy, you aren't a couple so it's really nothing to do with you if he dates other women.

SnakesandKnives · 14/08/2023 12:29

@aSofaNearYou sorry it took me that long to write my post that ours crossed over 😂. Glad I’m not the only one who thinks that’s at least a possibility!

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 14/08/2023 12:31

I had a FWB.
We had incredible chemistry, grew extremely close and we became best friends and I would say soul mates.

We just couldn’t be in a proper relationship for various, similar reasons.

I realised that I would avoid getting into relationships because it would mean having to end things with him.

I also knew I couldn’t be just friends with him (we tried many times).

We spoke every single day, texted throughout the day, stayed up late talking on the phone, would share everything.
We would both end up getting jealous if the other one was seeing anyone else.

I decided that I liked him too much and I knew he would never end things with me.
So we had a talk about if it was possible to be together.
It was not possible to be together so i decided I had to end things completely and actually move on with my life.

If you are happy being a FWB then carry on but it sounds like you’re developing too strong feelings for him and you either need to try and have a relationship or stop completely.

isthismylifenow · 14/08/2023 12:34

Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 12:21

He told me he was sad I was never open/affectionate.

I told him that was because I was never really sure what our dynamic was. We’re always kind of like friends who just hang out and then have sex. I never knew if it was ok to show affection.

He said it definitely was and I should’ve just asked him that.

Then we both said how much we liked each other and how much we’d miss one another, and we’d chat asap about when to meet next.

We’ve exchanged some messages since. Nothing romantic. Just our usual friendly stuff.

Show quote history

Ok, so I would say it was left rather open ended then I think.

My thought that this is a push to get a reaction from you.

If you want more, you have to tell him. If you want just to remain FWB, you have to tell him that too. But it appears its moved on from FWB in all honesty. So, here you have to decide what it is you do want.

And be more open. Speak to him about the post. You can say it felt off to you due to the discussion you just had. But if you go there OP, you have to realise it changes things. You can't expect him not be with other woman, when you see other men.

But I get how it feels like a bit of a punch in the stomach.

The air bnb payment thing is a bit cheeky of him. Don't overlook this bit.

FictionalCharacter · 14/08/2023 12:34

TennisWithDeborah · 14/08/2023 09:58

I think that what was originally a mutually-agreeable Friends With Benefits arrangement has now morphed into something deeper.

Maybe it’s only on your side, maybe it’s not. He could feel the same.

Theoretically he has done nothing wrong because he is not your boyfriend. If you want to take the relationship to a new level, you need to tell him. Not via snippy remarks, but via a proper telephone conversation. It’s very possible that he’ll be really pleased but prepare for disappointment too, just in case.

I agree with this. No point in pass-agg comments, you need to tell him how you feel.