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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him about his outing with this lady?

225 replies

Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 09:45

Fully acknowledge I may be being insane (which is precisely why I tend not to date).

I play a sport that sometimes requires us to go to tournaments, or sometimes we travel as a club for leisure and meet up with other clubs for friendly matches in different cities/mini breaks.

There’s a man from another city that I always have a bit of a fling with when we’re in the same place. It’s been going on a couple of years. Always just a bit of fun.

We tend to keep it somewhat on quiet but we shared an Airbnb on the last two trips so I don’t think anyone’s fooled. We don’t make a show of it in front of anyone else though, as it’s not really the done thing.

There was just a trip to France. The whole tournament + social event time was 2 weeks but I couldn’t stay the whole time.

We had a real blast together and for the first time had a bit of a heart to heart about how much we like each other (although nothing too dramatic as we live in separate cities, but it was the first time we’d opened up like that). We spent all of our free time together on that trip.

I had to leave to get back to work, unfortunately, but he stayed the whole 2 weeks.

One of the ladies who was there (she’s a new player), just posted a bunch of photos on FB of the two of them on a day out together and honestly I’m a bit miffed! They definitely looked very over-familiar for two people who just met. I’m particularly annoyed as we’d spent many days together and I wouldn’t have dreamed of broadcasting that online as I assumed that was a bit indiscreet!

I have no evidence that anything went on (and I’m somewhat sure she said she had a partner, when I met her), but the green-eyed monster’s really gotten the better of me.

He and I were just chatting about whether we’d both be going to the next event and it’s hard not to say “looks like you won’t need to share with me this time though! I see you and XYZ have hit it off!”.

This is so SO unlike me but it’s really rattled me!

I realise I definitely shouldn’t say anything passive aggressive or snide, but I’d quite like to ask him if anything is going on between them, at least. I’ve only been home 26 hours! About 30 hours ago we were laying on the bed talking about how much we’d miss each other!

AIBU to raise it? Ask him if I’ve got some competition?

OP posts:
MrsImFedUpOfTheWeather · 14/08/2023 14:42

Hm. Would it be wiser to just sit it out and see what he does? I wouldn't be getting into a conversation about being jealous. No, no, no! You'll devalue yourself if you do that. Maybe just see if the level of communication changes?

WinterDeWinter · 14/08/2023 14:43

Horriblewoman · 14/08/2023 14:34

Off topic but I love all the mysterious sports mentioned on mumsnet.

Me too. I hope it's bobsleigh.

YerArseInParsley · 14/08/2023 15:04

WinterDeWinter · 14/08/2023 14:43

Me too. I hope it's bobsleigh.

Show quote history

Or the international 3 legged race championship

Katey83 · 14/08/2023 15:09

This is telling you (your feelings) that it is no longer casual for you. You are invested and want that back. So you have to decide - do you want to continue a casual thing if he doesn’t want a deeper commitment. If you don’t then it’s time to message him ‘I saw the pictures of you with ‘x’ and honestly it brought out the green-eyed-monster. I think I am ready for something more than casual non-committed sex when we are away for tournaments. If you’re not up for that, I get it, but think I’ll need to withdraw from our arrangement for my emotional health. Happy to talk more if you want to.’

And if he doesn’t want commitment you will know pretty soon and be able to go about the process of moving on. It’s horrible but the limbo you are in now will continue indefinitely if you don’t bring it to a head one way or another.

GalileoHumpkins · 14/08/2023 15:16

YerArseInParsley · 14/08/2023 15:04

Or the international 3 legged race championship

Show quote history

Training hard for the egg and spoon Olympics.

Hesma · 14/08/2023 15:16

While I understand you being upset you are fwb and as such you are being unreasonable and quite controlling. I think you need to take some time to consider what you want and speak to him if you’ve developed feelings and want more. It must be very hard for you OP

Desperatetime · 14/08/2023 15:22

I feel for you op horrible feeling isn't it but unfortunately this is what can happen to fwb.
Take a deep breath and if you want to say something be careful how you word it don't be aggressive. Other than that try to just see him as a mate and enjoy anytime you have with him.

Starwarslover · 14/08/2023 15:31

I think given your earlier conversation you should definitely ask him. I actually suspect maybe the conversation didn’t quite go the way he wanted and he potentially wants to make you a bit jealous? Maybe he wants a full blown relationship out of this?

how old are you OP and what do you want from the relationship? I only ask about age because if you’re in your 20s with no kids would you be keen to go the whole hog and have a relationship with this guy that could lead to marriage and kids, if that’s what you want. If you’re 50s with kids and local commitments then can you see a relationship of sorts developing where you are mindful of each others commitments but still see and enjoy each other when you can without any longer term ambitions for the relationship?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2023 15:37

Greeneyedme · 14/08/2023 10:22

I think I just feel a bit confused, fresh off of him telling me he he really likes me and would miss me once I went home.

And yes, pretty jealous.

As I say, I’m pretty sure she has a partner anyway so I’m possibly being completely mad.

My AIBU is really just whether IABU to mention it at all? I don’t think it’s absolutely none of my business, 26 hours after he told me had really liked me.

I'd mention it but not like the whole "oh I see you've made other plans for sex next trip" vibe you're tempted with.
Tell him you have no formal right to be jealous, but Mandy seems very keen on him in those videos, do you have any reason to feel that way.

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 15:40

InsomniacA · 14/08/2023 14:35

OP, when I was younger and looking for a partner, a male friend sat me down and told me something I never forgot. Because I saw that it was true.

Men do not 'test' you or play games if they really want to be with you. If he wants to be in a relationship with youa real one, not the kind you have to hidehe would have pursued that, not kept what he has with you a secret.

I think you care a great deal more for him than you are saying here. And unfortunately he knows this, and is taking advantage of you. He is not the one for you. You deserve someone who is proud to be seen with you.

I know this is hard to hear or accept. I do think it would be better just to distance yourself from this person, even if that means leaving the sport group. You care more than he does, and you are the one getting hurt. You deserve more. You will not get it from this man.

This absolutely.
It all sounds very tricky to navigate and no most normal men don't go out of their way to spend a solo day with a female then let them plaster it all over social media if they've just told someone else they want to have a serious relationship with them.

As I say it does all remind me of this bloke on a solos ski holiday, right down to the not letting photos be posted of him with someone . Thankfully I was just on the edges of it and was rebuffed after he'd come on strong to me for most of the holidays despite being linked to someone else.

We were all late 20s early 30s so plenty old enough to know better.

Crunchymum · 14/08/2023 15:40

I also paid for the Airbnb (he decided to join this trip last min so I said he could just stay with me as I’d already paid). That’s kind of annoying me too

How does this work? If you were there for only a week and he was there for two?

Janieforever · 14/08/2023 15:43

I think you’re about to ruin this thing, there might even be nothing there with this woman, but you’re about to come over all jealous and possessive. No one likes that.

I think you need to decide what you want. For info the word is opponent, not component. But you made the same “joke” earlier. About her being “competition”. They aren’t funny jokes.

But clearly there is an underlying truth to your words, you see her as attractive and competition. And you do wish to be with him. You just don’t know if he wants the same and the distance is an issue. So now he’s spending time with an attractive woman and you feel threatened.

but you live at opposite ends of the country so it wouldn’t work. Not without major upheaval. And he didn’t sit you down and ask for a relationship.

if you can’t have a relationship due to distance, or even desire to have one from either of you, then you need to accept both of you should form relationships with other people.

Canisaysomething · 14/08/2023 15:44

Have you considered he's done this intentionally to make you jealous? It sounds like you are the one who is less keen and want to keep it secret and he's showing you what you are missing.

porridgeisbae · 14/08/2023 15:45

I think he probably didn't put pics of you on FB partly because he thought that you wanted it kept fairly quiet.

As you mentioned here that usually that's how these things are in the group.

Janieforever · 14/08/2023 15:45

Canisaysomething · 14/08/2023 15:44

Have you considered he's done this intentionally to make you jealous? It sounds like you are the one who is less keen and want to keep it secret and he's showing you what you are missing.

That’s hugely unlikely as the woman posted the photos. I mean there are easier ways to make someone jealous than to get the women to take photos and post them. Most blokes are simpler than that. Making jealous like that is more a female thing.

whitewinefriday · 14/08/2023 15:59

I’m a firm believer in asking straight questions if you want straight answers.

diddl · 14/08/2023 16:05

So you've known each other a couple of years, flirt & have sex when you meet up but neither of you have suggested meeting up outside of in connection with the sport?

If not-presumably because you were happy with how things were & didn't want to?

Flyinggeesei234 · 14/08/2023 16:06

peerie · 14/08/2023 13:32

Send him a jokey message about being replacded as soon as your back is turned? Keep it light and guage his reaction.

Nooooooo!

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 16:06

Most blokes are straight forward, that certainly doesn't mean all of them are.

Some blokes get away with this behaviour precisely because it is so unusual and Machiavellian or actually just plain confused.

My reading is he is scared by his professed desire to have a deeper relationship with OP, therefore either consciously or unconsciously sets the relationship up for failure through his actions ( sorry OP). But as he's a "nice" guy he does it on such a way that it's hard to pull him up directly on his behaviour.

Happyday122 · 14/08/2023 16:10

Katey83 · 14/08/2023 15:09

This is telling you (your feelings) that it is no longer casual for you. You are invested and want that back. So you have to decide - do you want to continue a casual thing if he doesn’t want a deeper commitment. If you don’t then it’s time to message him ‘I saw the pictures of you with ‘x’ and honestly it brought out the green-eyed-monster. I think I am ready for something more than casual non-committed sex when we are away for tournaments. If you’re not up for that, I get it, but think I’ll need to withdraw from our arrangement for my emotional health. Happy to talk more if you want to.’

And if he doesn’t want commitment you will know pretty soon and be able to go about the process of moving on. It’s horrible but the limbo you are in now will continue indefinitely if you don’t bring it to a head one way or another.

Exactly what I would do! It's better to have a clear situation, the not knowing is the worst

whitewinefriday · 14/08/2023 16:12

Katey83 · 14/08/2023 15:09

This is telling you (your feelings) that it is no longer casual for you. You are invested and want that back. So you have to decide - do you want to continue a casual thing if he doesn’t want a deeper commitment. If you don’t then it’s time to message him ‘I saw the pictures of you with ‘x’ and honestly it brought out the green-eyed-monster. I think I am ready for something more than casual non-committed sex when we are away for tournaments. If you’re not up for that, I get it, but think I’ll need to withdraw from our arrangement for my emotional health. Happy to talk more if you want to.’

And if he doesn’t want commitment you will know pretty soon and be able to go about the process of moving on. It’s horrible but the limbo you are in now will continue indefinitely if you don’t bring it to a head one way or another.

Perfect!

CherryMaDeara · 14/08/2023 16:13

Did you pay the Airbnb for the entire two weeks?

Who has paid for the accommodation for previous events?

I’m wondering if he moved into this woman’s accommodation because you left and whether he’s a roving Lothario.

Didntmeanto6 · 14/08/2023 16:14

I would just be totally direct and ask him

Didntmeanto6 · 14/08/2023 16:15

Wheres the risk?

Neiiighbour234 · 14/08/2023 16:23

Not sure if anyone else has posted this, but why not just approach it completely honestly and say that you had always assumed you were just FWB until his conversation made you think differently about it. Then when you got home and saw these photos, you were surprised how it made you feel - and take it from there?!