To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

You “train” your son by modelling to him the consequences of being an arsehole… that is to say, you divorce his father.

I was going to say divorce him too.
My DS doesn't have a male role model and is fine.

Blimey.

You “train” your son by modelling to him the consequences of being an arsehole… that is to say, you divorce his father.

this. He sounds a horrible man

Perhaps he has autism?

Your list has a wide range of things with some simply odd rather than something you don't want your son seeing.
For example standing while on the phone is weird but harmless but getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism and the performant housework is dickish.
The others are right about divorce. Your son doesn't know that his father's behaviour is unacceptable unless he sees you take a stand.

Is your h neurodiverse ? I'm wondering if he can't help some of the things like dominating a conversation or finding his life more stressful than he should.

He sounds awful. Why are you with him?

Jesus wept 🙄

This. No way I could put up with level of laziness and uselessness... How do you cope?

Perhaps. He is definitely a pig. I divorced my one of them too.

He sounds ND to me. The conversation thing and the monologues are a bit of a giveaway.
Just show your son how to do things properly.

Why would you keep a husband like that?

A lot of the traits you describe are very common in men and unfortunately seem to worsen as they get older. The faffing about, need for constant affirmation and general self centredness. I don't know why it is, but your description certainly resonates when I think of men I know socially and professionally.
I'm not sure if it can be cured once its set in, so really it boils down to can it be tolerated. As for boys and younger men, I can only suggest that any sign of these behaviours is nipped sharply in the bud before it becomes habit.

I’m going with @Daisybuttercup12345. Your husband sounds exactly the same as mine - who has autism.

Don’t worry about your son. He will have seen all of this is will make sure he is the complete opposite. At least that what my adult son has done.

Why?
Do you have experience of autism or neurodiversity?
I do, and he sounds neurodiverse to me too - textbook actually.

Your ds will see how his father's uselessness has been rewarded by you facilitating it...so will have no incentive to be any different.

Hth

It'll be dementia next.

Why does he only work two days a week? Does he find working more is too much for him?

I think you need to ensure you model good responsible behaviour to your son. Challenge DH's relentless monologuing, ignore the sulking when asked to make healthier food (or take the mick, which is even more powerful), etc. You shouldn't HAVE to tell a grown man how to behave, but in your case you do have to, unfortunately.

He sounds like my ex who is NT but self obsessed.

Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know

He barely works. He does fuck all at home. He dominates situations. Hes not interested in anyone else. He is constantly on his phone.

How the fuck can you stand him?

What a shit role model he is. I’m in camp ‘kick him the fuck out’.

If this was meant to be lighthearted (based on the ‘blimey’), it wasn’t funny. At all.

Does sound like neurodiversity it was my first thought.

It sounds to me as if nothing has ever been expected or demanded of your husband? Many of us are lazy and somewhat ineffective (I have to kick myself up the arse daily just to function as a competent adult), but we don't have the option to just slack off.

In his case you married him despite his laziness, and you don't mind supporting him barely working, and you pay for a cleaner when he fails to pull his weight at home instead. I'm willing to bet he doesn't manage your child's appointments and activities, or sort out house repairs or get the best insurance or utility prices.

He would be a better human being if slacking off hadn't been an option. Make sure it is not an option for your son.

I love how people always jump to divorce. No chatting to the partner, no counselling. Straight divorce.

Anyway OP can you think back to what attracted you to him?

Have you tried talking to him in a neutral setting?

As for training your son. You need to give him set chores

😁Well, you asked, OP.
Agree entirely with this ....useless arse.

Look - to the people rolling their eyes at suggestions of ND - unless you have actual experience of neurodiversity (or dementia) or whatever, please don't dismiss the suggestions of people who do have experience out of hand. Please listen to people. They may be able to interpret behaviours using knowledge (born of experience) that you just don't have.