To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

how do I train DS?

The very much learn by example, so lose the shit example

My eldest son does the monologue thing. He gets “interests” and then just wants to tell you everything about that particular area, as if he’s doing a presentation on it, rather than a conversation.
So I just tell him “that’s enough space talk for now” or “you know, you’ve spoken for 8 minutes and I haven’t said a word, conversations need give and take”.

the other things you mentioned, it’s easy to just do things for your kids so I just make sure I don’t do that. My eldest especially would be a lazy soab around the house if I let him, so I don’t let him. I tell both my boys - housework is boring but we like to live in a nice environment so you have to do stuff to make that happen!

I have extensive experience and came to give it a good eye roll.

I'm fucking sick of seeing posts about shitty men excused by pathetic women because 'maybe its autism'

Autism is a serious and life long disability, not an excuse for women to keep cunty men around.

Do we really just jump to divorce? Madness!

I have experience of both ASD and dementia, as do significant numbers of MN posters. There are are whole boards dedicated to it. It's not what the OP is asking. She's asking how to make sure her son doesn't model himself on his father.

I wouldn't have waited so long to divorce him. He sounds like an utter waste of space and OP has recognised this as she doesn't want her son to end up like him. If he is that bad of course separating is the answer.

Loads actually. Family riddled with autism, not unusual.

And from that experience - and frankly just reading MN - I would say isn’t it funny how autism in males is used an excuse so much of the time, yet in females it’s all “present differently” and “masking”.

Well how about we expect some of these autistic males to mask once in a while?

I’m not saying this guy isn’t ND. I’m saying that being ND doesn’t stop you from pulling your weight cleaning. Sure, you may need to work around the issue if you can’t “see” things or time plan. But if you want to and those around you expect you to, you can work out your cleaning role.

My sister has 4 diagnosed autistic kids now, all presenting differently, but I can tell you now - not one of them would follow her round fucking about with ornaments after the first time she told them not to.

"Lived experience" does not make anyone capableof doagnosing a deblitating lifelong condition based on a couple of sentences. Defending such behaviour does more harm than good!

OP, you're right to be worried about your son modelling his life after his father, it is his blueprint for how to be a man. You'll need to push back hard on the issues you have with your husband if you want any hope of your son seeing the importance of working hard, looking after his home, and building equitable relationships with a significant other. You've an uphill battle, I fear.

It really sounds like he has inattentive ADHD or what used to be labelled as ADD. Can you get him to take an online test?

I didn't say it was an excuse for bad behaviour, but hoped the ND suggestion might offer a framework on how to address the behaviour.

I'm sick of seeing ND type behaviours (the monologues, the poor executive function) dismissed as 'cunty'. It's shocking actually 😒

Autism is a disability. It causes issues for those who are autistic and for those who they live with. Very serious issues. But it's not 'cunty'.

OP's husband may or may not be neurodiverse. But it's something you may want to consider OP.

Very similar behaviour to my brother who has ADHD.

I didn't say it was an excuse for bad behaviour, but hoped the ND suggestion might offer a framework on how to address the behaviour.

Just wanted to repeat this in case it wasn't clear!

That's probably because there are loads of us who've wasted years trying to polish that turd. Spoiler op. Your h will not change.

You're already training your DS to be lazy, self centered, excessively critical and sensitive by putting up with the example set by your husband.

Why haven't you told him fuck off and cook his own food when he critiscises the meals you prepare?

It’s probably too late. Sorry, but how have you not got the ick yet. Standing in doorways is at most slightly irritating but only working two days a week and you need a cleaner-yuk.

My friend has a husband like this. I’m sorry, I don’t know!

Can you sit down with him and tell him that you are finding the marriage difficult and here’s all the reasons why? Surely as the breadwinner you hold the cards in this scenario.

What actually are you getting out of this? Does he have a cock The size of an eggplant ?
Are you orgasmIng twice a night ?
Does he laydown his coat so that you don’t step in puddles and get your tootsies wet ?
Like seriously, unless he’s got a major trust fund and you’re going to inherit 10 million in 10 years. I’m absolutely loss as to why you would keep this creature in your house like some sort of expensive pet

So no one is perfect and you mention that your H has some redeeming traits so I'm assuming that on balance you want to keep him rather than LTB.

I would emphasis and model consistently to your DS that we share space with others. Not just physical space but also social space. Remind him to move out of the way for others on the pavement, not to block paths or play equipment and just generally to be aware of and considerate to those around them. Let him see you doing these things - moving up for others on buses, letting others through in front, generally being aware of the impact of your actions on others. Praise and congratulate him when he is considerate towards others. Similarly, a conversation is a two-way exchange of thoughts and ideas and people like to be listened to. You can model this with his friends, "Now you've told Zach about your holiday, why don't we ask Zach what he did during his holiday?" It's usual for young children to be fairly self-centred but if you train them in good habits, hopefully these will carry on into adulthood. That's the hope at least 😂!

@Applefluff

I'm sick of seeing ND type behaviours (the monologues, the poor executive function) dismissed as 'cunty'. It's shocking actually 😒

Autism is a disability. It causes issues for those who are autistic and for those who they live with. Very serious issues. But it's not 'cunty'.

I just want to clarify here is absolutely did not say autistic behaviour/issues were cunty.

Also; I don't know why you are telling me autism is a disability? In the post you quoted you will see I said 'Autism is a serious and life long disability,'

I didn't say OP DH was cunty either, I was talking more generally at that point.

It's true I am sick of seeing shit behaviour excused as autism though. Let's not pretend that doesn't happen.

Absolutely this. I read this nodding along because I could’ve written it about my DH (he has good social skills though and doesn’t monologue). But he does the other infuriating stuff.

He’s been leaving clutter on the upstairs landing for MONTHS - a step ladder, piles of books, a plastic bag of old sports wear and some kind of large cable. This morning I shouted ‘incoming’, threw it all down the stairs and ordered him to take it to the tip which he did (after grumbling). This is how I deal with things now, I treat him like a child and put on a song song voice as I order him to do things. Then if he doesn’t do it, I push the nuclear button and stage a protest, such as removing his car keys until he’s finished something he agreed to do. He can moan and whinge, I paint a smile on and carry on with my day.

And yes it irks me they expect GENUINE THANKS for doing things I do all the time without even acknowledgment (not that I need it, that’s the point).

This.

What on earth are you doing inflicting such a lazy, selfish, immature, sulky loser on a child?

Poor boy.

You sound utterly charming 🙄

Calm TF down. Histrionics over a post. Not a good look.

Calm TF down. Histrionics over a post. Not a good look

nor is misogyny