To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

It's really not @bellac11.
The fact that you think it is, well, that's telling.

Do you think all the pps, who are neurodiverse or who live with a ND family member, should have said nothing of their concerns on reading the OP?
Do you really think it's more helpful for people to stay quiet when they recognise why a family might be struggling ?
I know we're not professionals who can diagnose, but people do get to a stage where they can recognise types of behaviours consistent with autism etc. Why wouldn't they? They are living with it, in one way or another, every day.
And I think flagging neurodiversity as a possibility might help OP and her family in this case. I can't see how shutting up can help in any way.

Exactly. Can't understand why that's not obvious to people.

I think the main issue is not working much and not pulling his weight at home tbh.

Well the fact that he only works 2 days a week yet moans how busy he is and needs a cleaner is the part I'd have a major issue with.

Exactly. Can't understand why that's not obvious to people.

But why do you think it's not obvious to people?
Do you mean you think it's not obvious to the people suggesting neurodiversity?

Lack of productivity is entirely consistent with neurodiversity.

The hope is DH and OP could develop strategies to help them if they find he is indeed ND.
That's one of the main reasons people are flagging it.

Surely that depends on the people commenting? The same people don't always comment on the exact same things.

If you see me on any SAHP thread, man or woman, I'd be saying it's a bad idea and I'd never agree to it or marry a man who expected me to be a SAHM or wanted to be the SAHP himself.

Their child is 12. I'd say exactly the same about a SAHM with a 12 year old.

My DH can take the week off, and absolutely fill his days.

It doesn't mean a single piece of housework will occur to him. But he will have arranged everything in the garage in size order. He will have found a better monitor system for the youngests room, bought and installed it (despite there technically being nothing wrong with the one we have.) He'll have gone out to an asparagus farm he's just heard off, because "You love asparagus! Look fresh asparagus!" And then spent the rest of the day googling asparagus recipes to find just the right one, and making two trips to get the ingredients, because he missed one thing off his first list. Which is really sweet, but I'd love it even more if he could remember we should have booked the long overdue car service.

The ND world, is not the same. And it's not because he's an arsehole. But do you see, how I could quite correctly state "DH was off all week and did zero housework. I did it all." And if I left it there, I make him sound like an arsehole, when context is everything.

I struggle to understand which part peoples this is nd?.
The monologue?

All of it, taken together@Summerwashout

I don't think expecting your partner to carry the financial and domestic load while you work two days a week is trivial, at all. And to all those saying it's neurodiversity... I repeat my point that I know many ND people, none of whom expect their partner to shoulder their share of the load. I know plenty of lazy buggers who do though.

If it's just a friend or a family member who is able to work 2 days and week and keep a tidy home with the help of a cleaner then you can be happy for them that they are managing. When it's your partner you need them to pull their weight or the relationship slowly dies.

I agree that the differerence in work patterns between OP and her husband isn't trivial.

However, looking at the behaviour of a very small number of people (ie the number of neurodiverse people you happen to know) in an effort to refute the suggestion that OP's DH may be neurodiverse doesn't stand up. You need to look at large numbers of people to get results that are meaningful in any way.

There have been studies done on employment rates of autistic people, and on how neurodiverse people fare in the workplace etc. And studies showing how poor executive function (which is common in ND people) affects someone's life in general. Maybe take a look at some of that work before concluding that a lack of productivity must mean someone's lazy rather than possibly neurodiverse.

I know this is hard on OP (of course I know!), but am making the suggestion of ND in an effort to help her and her family. Maybe it won't make any difference, but maybe it will.