To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

This is how I deal with things now, I treat him like a child and put on a song song voice as I order him to do things. Then if he doesn’t do it, I push the nuclear button and stage a protest, such as removing his car keys until he’s finished something he agreed to do. He can moan and whinge, I paint a smile on and carry on with my day

Do you have sex with your husband-child?

OP, If you were writing about your dh and what he did 5-10 years ago what would you say? If he the same or was he different?

My DH has ADHD. (DS does too, thats a whole different kettle of fish.)

He monologues, he struggles with criticism (look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), he struggles to remember to do routine cleaning.

But. He works his arse off, he understands that he needs to contribute to the house. The sulking and monologueing is annoying, but that is down to his ADHD and he is fundamentally not a cunt. Hence we work on the difficulties together and we both understand when it is causing issues.

Your DH sounds like he has ND difficulties, but is also a cunt about it. That makes it very different, and I'm not sure I would stick around.

It's true I am sick of seeing shit behaviour excused as autism though. Let's not pretend that doesn't happen.

@coreas

It doesn't help to never consider autism/ND as a possibility when someone is exhibiting poor behaviour either. To dismiss it out of hand as an 'excuse'.

The behaviours OP described have prompted many people here to suggest ND - nb not diagnose but suggest as a possibility.

If OP's husband is neurodiverse that may lead to different interventions or outcomes for them both and for their DS - and it is something well worth considering. As I said earlier please don't dismiss people's experience out of hand. (Sorry, but I also think having nephews/nieces with autism can be a bit different to living with an autistic person. I'm very close to my siblings, both emotionally and geographically, but they don't have too much insight into what goes on in my house. It might be different for you of course, but again somethin to consider.)

So you think someone who monopolises conversations, and does long monologues about themselves is "shitty and cunty" (horrible phrasing, IMHO)

That's what your extensive experience tells you.

Incidentally, I do have extensive experience. And a ND husband and an ND son.

And when I read the OP, I thought instantly, this man sounds ND. As have many others, recognising ND traits. Your extensive experience told you "cunty man."

Yes I agree. I’m asd and he sounds nd to me.

Excellent question.

Has he changed during the relationship?

I couldn’t bear that!!!

Suggesting that ND may possibly be at the root of someone's poor behaviour, and that addressing the behaviours in this light might help, is not being misogynistic towards OP.
Seriously.
It is an attempt to help her.

Why does he only work two days?

I think what's always lost in these threads is that you can be:

ND & ok sort of managing
NT and an arse
ND and an arse
ND & perfectly lovely with some quirks
NT with some quirks but some other thing going on, no-one is perfect.

When you've met one ND person, you've met one ND person, we have spiky profiles, so we're better in some aspects than others and everyone's is different. I'm also very different in different environments and with different people.

One of the benefits in knowing is that you can adapt to suit and have an easier time but lots of people don't want to or can't or have no insight, so it's again individual.

I certainly recognise some of the issues above in myself but I also wouldn't put up with them.

Your husband sounds like he has autism and if your son has it too you can't really do much about a lot of the traits other than modelling good behaviour.

Actively present decent role models for him. They do not necessarily need to be blood relatives. Your DH sounds awful.

Oh and for some people, their actual family is the worst environment for them, a cause of lifelong stress.

I think your husband may be living a double life here with me...

People with autism can be cunty and impossible to live with too. Just because he seems to be autistic doesn't mean she has to stick with him. She asked for help with her son so he doesn't turn out like her husband, but if her husband has autism a lot of his traits will be innate and unchangeable. If the DS also has autism the same may be true.

Why is it the women in their lives bending over backwards to figure out, diagnose and treat these men though? I’m ND, I worked that out for myself with a therapist, and I’m learning about how it shapes my life, how to manage it, and how to communicate and compromise with partners and loved ones. It’s my responsibility. Somehow, that’s not the case for these bloody useless men.

He sounds fucking useless. Why did you marry him and why doesn't he work?

Christ on a bike. ND people are capable of self awareness!

If my DH tried a passive aggressive - 'oh I need nutrients please make something healthy' - I'd tell him to make his own food. Ditto if he started to micromanage how I clean and polish a shelf.
You're lumping lots of behaviours in together when they're not the same at all.
You sound like you don't like or respect your DH. You clearly don't want him to be a role model for your DC. Why are you with him then?

What is your response to your dh? Are you hoping these behaviours will vanish on their own. The key to a successful relationship is communication, even if the other person is going to throw a strop because they don't like what's being communicated. I couldn't live with someone who was so over sensitive they couldn't cope with a request for some vegetables for dinner. When he leaves drawers open do you just wander about shutting them or do you point it out "dh, have these been left open for me to close?"

As for all the huffing and puffing whilst doing housework, let him get on with it. A sarcastic "Do you need a medal for cleaning up after yourself" might be the end of that.

In terms of your son, teaching him and expect him to do things for himself. Point out that it is no-one else's job.

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.

The above wouldn’t bother me.
I too stand in the middle of the room on my phone or forget to close drawers (I do have ADD)

I would also be a bit miffed if I’ve cooked my DH a meal and then he moaned it wasn’t healthy enough.
If you don’t like his cooking then you can cook yourself or suggest what you want, without having a dig.

I absolutely would not put up with him not working though.
Fair enough as a one off if he quits a job and then takes a few weeks to be accepted for another one but it sounds like he’s regularly without work or on only a few hours.
This would be unacceptable to me.

@applefluff I think that exchange went over your head! It doesn’t read to me that the misogyny comment was levelled at the OP. The misogyny is in shouting down a (most likely female) respondent by calling their strong and valid opinion “histrionics”.
We don’t generally call men histrionic, do we?

Well OP doesn't have to bend over backwards of course. But she's married and they have a son and divorce isn't an easy option either. It's up to her. We're adressing her on here rather than her husband as she's the one posting. But you're right of course that any change in behaviour has to come from him, she can only support (and only if she chooses to).

It's not a one way thing, women supporting men. We mainly hear women's voices on MN, but
my ND friend is very much helped and supported by her NT husband. They are a great team, but she says he takes on a lot of extras as she struggles sometimes.

Okay, point taken if so. I thought the misogyny charge was levelled at me (for suggesting the op consider ND rather than immediately labelling her DH a pig and suggesing she divorce him.)