To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

Exactly what I thought.

Can't remember a Thread that didn't feature at least 25 posters are Autistic/ADHD, even the Lighthearted ones 🤐

I've got a huge amount of sympathy with you there, @Arabels (and empathy) The work we do, the strategies we adopt, the concerns we have about the impact on others, it's significant and exhausting. And seemingly female.

Your semi regular reminder to stop diagnosing people you’ve never met. Firstly, (and this is not a dig at the OP, it is a general comment) as a reader you have to fully believe the OP and it’s not just her perception, or a heightened response due to fatigue/previous behaviour/general frustration. Secondly, you need to be a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist with years of training and a professional doctorate (and not someone who has done a £29 online course they bought from Facebook). Thirdly, even if it was all true, you need to do an extensive assessment lasting hours or sometimes days, and carry out interviews with the client and close friends/family to review behaviours over a lifetime. Sometimes this even requires a team of psychologists and assistants.

Sometimes, and I mean this kindly, but sometimes people are just dicks, and being a dick is a lot more common than being autistic. OP, your husband sounds like a dick. Maybe he has autism, but it’s more likely he’s just a dick. Or both 😜

• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.

^

These are the only 3 things form OP list that are remotely indicative of an autistic trait and even then, boring fuckers exist.

This man has demonstrated he is self centred and lazy, not to mention a bit of a dick if anyone dares to challenge him.

All you people jumping to defend the suggestion he is autistic should be embarrassed really.

It's so damaging for autistic people, not that any of you care, you all have a point to prove

He sounds really really lazy.
Can you ask him to work more?

People can get all talked out when they've been interacting for days in a row at work, maybe that would help with all of his enthusiasm for dominating conversation.
He also sounds like he is bored shitless of being at home and housework being his main aim. Is there a reason he's a stay at home with your Son that age?

Oh ffs !

Thanks for all the replies.

i feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment so don’t feel up to answering lots of questions but he does now organise DC activities etc. he holds a lot more of the mental load. I had to fight for these things.

He doesn’t work much as circumstance’s changed. I may push for him to do more. Financially it would make more sense for me to work more as I can work more but until he is better at domestic stuff that feels impossible.

I didn’t passively aggressively moan about what he’d cooked. I’m dealing with a lot. He asked how he can help. I said feed me healthy food as I comfort eat when stressed and upset. He said ok. But didn’t seem happy. I think he wanted to do more of the ‘hero’ tasks rather than the background drudgery. Then we were discussing dinner options the next day. He suggested something from the freezer. I said could we have something more nutritious please. He got offended. This is a pattern. Me trying to discuss domestic shit. Him thinking it’s a criticism. He’s always been a bit fragile in that way. Can’t tolerate feeling unfairly judged. It’s only now I’m seeing it. It’s very unattractive.

im not sure separating is a great model for DS either. He’d have to spend more time with DH due to my work, than with me. The house would very quickly become a shit tip and chaos would reign. I have no doubt that without my oversight important things would be missed. They always are. I’m stuck for now.

This sounds very, very much like my (lovely) partner who has ADHD, down to the hovering instead of sitting and leaving doors open all over the place. Also poor time management of tasks.

For many people with ADHD, something called rejection sensitivity disorder makes criticism very painful to hear, especially if they're trying and failing to make progress or be useful.

Diagnosis (and thus medication) tends to have long waiting lists but there's a lot of information online about strategies that can help. It's would be worth you both reading around to consider this possibility.

There are some pretty shitty reactions here to suggestions of neurodiversity. Life can be difficult for all kind of reasons. I hope you have more support and understanding if you ever need it.

Apologies, the term is rejection sensitivity dysphoria

I came on to say this, I have been guilty of a fair few of these things.

How did you get to the point where he only works two days a week. Does he have some kind of self employment that is supposed to fill the other three days? If not, in the absence of any health issues that affect his ability to work, he needs to find work to fill the other three days pronto.

Just fuck off.

I'm autistic and I manage NOT to do any of that.

Also - sorry! - it can be bloody difficult to live with and DP's saving grace is that, even with the depression that has resulted for going years undiagnosed, he really does his best to support our household. So if he does have ADHD or another condition, is he willing to gain more insight to himself and does he genuinely want to be a supportive partner? (ADHD + naturally lazy sod would be more than I could cope with)

I think if you wanted to describe a ND person who has not yet received a diagnosis, you couldn't do much better than your description!

You are irritated and annoyed by his behaviour, that's obvious.

Nature vs nurture.
Nearly everyone can "learn" to some degree, either by gaining self awareness, or by explicitly being told. But you can't expect someone with an innate difficulty in one area to become " good" ie better than most, in that area. The best you can hope for is adequate, and that will be a great achievement.
There is always room for self improvement, but alongside self acceptance, the acceptance of those who love you is fundamental.

In my opinion you should look into ND, for your son's sake. If you show that you dislike his father for ways in which he himself is similar, it will not help his self esteem.

Poor executive function is also strongly correlated with neurodiversity @coreas

I don't think anyone should be embarrassed about making suggestions they think might help OP and her family. It is not damaging to autistic people when people suggest someone seek a diagnosis. People who struggle sometimes do exhibit poor behaviour. Not sure if that's the case here of course, but it may be helpful to OP's DH to consider it as a possibility and maybe investigate further. It may help him and her and their son.

Well then, you'll know that all autistic people are different. 🙄

Tell me you know little about ADHD/Autism without telling me you know nothing about it.

The first two are also prime indicators, ADHD shutdown and rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Of course he could just be an arse. Or he could be neurodiverse. Or he could be both.

Yes, but you don't represent every ND person on the planet (especially undiagnosed ones).

Wow six posts in. That's impressive.

Cock lodger.
What are his good points again?

I think it's very fashionable for everyone to diagnose autism at even a vague hint of a suggestion, and it's to the detriment of everyone when people attempt to do it. I can't seem to go a day in real life or online without several people suggesting so and so or Joe Bloggs might be "on the spectrum" or ND or autistic. Might just be that these people are slightly different to "regular" people! Any slightly abnormal behaviour gets written off to "on the spectrum" and it's really unhelpful and I think judgemental. Why can't people accept some people behave slightly differnetly and accept it without jumping on the "autism" bandwagon. Could be anything, trauma, ADHD, boring, narcissist.

He sounds like my ex
For my ex I have wondered about things like ADHD, narcissistic traits or autism.

I know pp hate amateur diagnosing on here and it has already been mentioned, but my adult son with ADHD shares many of those behaviours. Not sure how this helps other than giving you both an understanding. It can be extremely annoying at times.

He doesn’t work much as circumstance’s changed. I may push for him to do more. Financially it would make more sense for me to work more as I can work more but until he is better at domestic stuff that feels impossible.

Can you focus on just this for now, as I think this is a bigger issue than standing in the middle of the room on his phone, which you only get annoyed about because of the bigger issues.

So in an ideal world you’d be happy for him to not work as much but do more domestic stuff?
Basically a SAHD?

Why isn’t he doing more domestic stuff?
Does he say he’ll do it and then doesn’t or just not do it?

I know @Testina! I was wondering how long it would take for the ASD/neurodivergent comments. Only took 5.
FWIW I had an ex who liked talking about himself, and didn't seem to notice when even his own mates had stopped listening.
He wasn't 'on the spectrum', he was just a self-absorbed emotionally-stunted knob