To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

Thank you @Applefluff.

That makes a sort of sense that issues can arise as family life can be very challenging.

I suppose the serial changing of jobs is an early real marker that difficulties can be present.

My two boys had the issue with the cupboard doors and it used to drive me mad as they would brush by large open doors.
By calling them back down repeatedly to close them every time, did help.

You've said what I was going to say, Im open mouthed at some of these responses to be honest

Divorce or that he has ASD!!!

I have an irritating habit of leaving the microwave and cupboard door open after using it. My OH has a really irritating habit of leaving the other cupboard doors open after using them.

We should disrupt our entire lives I think and separate!!!

Standing in doorways is cruel and unusual punishment.

Didnt you know this?

I simply wouldn't put up with this shit. Your son will be watching his dad get away with it and think it's absolutely fine for the woman to do everything

You've said what I was going to say, Im open mouthed at some of these responses to be honest

Divorce or that he has ASD!!!

This is exactly what I mean about people not recognising the signs of neurodiversity.

Now obviously I can't say whether OP's DH is ND or not!! But I can say that - if OP's description is accurate - it seems he may be exhibiting some of the traits associated with neurodiversity and that it might be wise to consider this, consult experts and possibly pursue a diagnosis.

I can say this because I've lived with autism in the family for years and I recognise some of the signs. Many others have said similar. It's quite clear from the OP if you know what to look for. But if you don't have the experience you obviously won't have that sense of recognition.

(NB Again, this is not a diagnosis!!! It's merely suggesting a possibility. )

Yes he might be, or he might not be

So what?

Ive noticed in general men do tend to stand about rather than sit down. Or perhaps its more accurate to say women tend to sit down rather than stand about. Not sure what the gripe there is for one thing

For another thing, are these issues that need to be 'fixed'?

People have their little quirks, why the need to pathologise behaviours so much (and I say that with an eye that I suspect my OH may be ND, I have professional experience of children and adults with ND) but a diagnosis isnt going to 'fix' someone in the way that some of these posters imply needs to happen.

However the biggest issue, as with many threads, is the that the minute someone posts with negative information about a parter/family member, the replies suggest that the negative behaviour could be ASD.

A lot of people would think my DH was a complete arsehole. (TBF, I do a lot of the time ) And on face value, to someone with no ND exposure, he is. He's inconsiderate, he's selfish, he starts everything and can't finish anything so crap lays everywhere. He micromanages what I do.

But.

He's not inconsiderate because he's a dick who doesn't care. It's because things literally don't even occur to him. He compartmentalises everything and can't join those things together.

He's selfish because, again not because he cares for no-one else, but he thinks only in the moment, often for the quick win, and the consequences don't occur to him. He's often, retrospectively really upset, and very frustrated when he sees the effect of his decisions, simply because he's always too impulsive to stop and properly think about the consequences. He's a very clever man. Who can make fast, stupid choices. And no one knows that better than him.

He's excellent at DIY, and can't wait to unbox endless new tools and start projects. I then have to badger for the following month to finish ABC before starting xyz, and eventually things do become complete.

He micromanages because he can't start or focus on his day without knowing where I am or what I'm doing. If I come back from the shops at 11am, he can't be in a meeting or on a call (he WFH) because the distraction of knowing I've arrived and not being able to instantly put all the food away exactly where it needs to be, is too much and he can't focus on the meeting. So I'm constantly being asked "what's your plan, what time are you going, when will you be back, will you be getting food, are you doing anything in the afternoon?" Which, unless you understand why, would drive some people crazy.

He drives me to distraction sometimes. I suppose we all can be really hard to live with, but he really does have his moments, where I think "Lord, give me patience, because if you give me strength, I'm going to need bail money to go with it."

Even though usually it's not his fault, doesn't make it any easier. But, all this misses the obvious, if he had more bad points than good, I would not be with him, and certainly wouldn't have had multiple DC with him. He's my DH and I love him regardless.

I'm autistic and even my first thought was autism!

@Testina riddled? FFS! We don't have an infectious disease!

No, that's not correct.

It's a sweeping generalisation to say "the minute someone posts with negative information, the replies suggest the negative behaviour could be ASD" and that's certainly not what's happened on this thread.

It specific things that posters who are ND or have ND spouses/DC recognise within themselves/spouse. And when you recognise, say 3+ of those specific things, it's very sensible to post and say so. Some ND behavioural traits are negative, that's simply fact and it doesn't help anyone to get precious about it.

This isn't "DH keeps leaving the loo seat up"...must be ASD! "DH cheated and ran off with the secretary"....must be ASD. "DH won't pay his share of the bills"...you get where I'm going with this.

It's noticing the hyperfocus, contrasting complete lack of focus, the monopolisation of conversation, with the avoidance of conversation.

And noticing those things, isn't a diagnosis. But it's an avenue the OP may never have even considered otherwise, that may prove life changing to explore.

@BoohooWoohoo I'm autistic and even i thought it!

What isnt correct?

That there are a plethora of threads on here day in, day out where negative behaviour is questioned by other posters as 'sounds like ASD'

That is absolutely correct and sometimes there are markers and sometimes there are not

I havent said in my posts whether I think the markers match with ASD traits, I am experienced in ASD.

I have only commented on the general tedious trend of some bumbling unaware OH with annoying quirks being described by an OP, to be met with either divorce him or he has ASD.

@bellac11

Yes he might be, or he might not be

So what?

So OP and her DH can understand/ address or accept ( or not, but at least knowing why) .To hopefully help.

For another thing, are these issues that need to be 'fixed'?

People have their little quirks, why the need to pathologise behaviours so much (and I say that with an eye that I suspect my OH may be ND, I have professional experience of children and adults with ND) but a diagnosis isnt going to 'fix' someone in the way that some of these posters imply needs to happen.

A diagnosis can help, at least sometimes. No quirks often don't need fixing , but OP is struggling here or she wouldn't have posted, which suggests something needs to change. If he is indeed neurodiverse, DH might be able to address and modify some behaviours or there may be more acceptance of his behaviours if they're not seen as coming from a selfish/ lazy place. I know that sounds hard on OP, but the emotional side of this is something that shouldn't be underestimated.

However the biggest issue, as with many threads, is the that the minute someone posts with negative information about a parter/family member, the replies suggest that the negative behaviour could be ASD.

Not sure that's completely true though it probably is to some extent. But if OP had said her husband was forgetful, or crying all day, or hypervigilant, other conditions would have been suggested, you know they would.
Unfortunately some typical ASD behaviour can be misinterpreted as selfishness, struggles with executive function can be misunderstood as laziness etc and that's why lazy and selfish people can be confused with autistic people sometimes. (And of course neurodiverse people can simply behave badly too, just like everyone else, I know that, but often their behaviour is misunderstood also.)

What isnt correct?

What you said. I did put it in quotation marks for you.

That there are a plethora of threads on here day in, day out where negative behaviour is questioned by other posters as 'sounds like AS
D'

A plethora, no. You seem to think this is one of those threads, from your initial post, although you have slightly back pedalled from that subsequently.

It's not negative behaviour. It's specific behaviour, that almost coincidentally is also negative.

What is your professional "experienced in ASD" by the way? As my friend works in a school and made the same remark the other day. I did manage to keep a straight face. Professional occasional interaction is really not the same as living day in/day out with a person/child who can mask or act completely differently outside of the home. You are also not at a different level of understanding but also from a totally different perspective. Not having interactions as a spouse/parent, but at work.

No Im not backpedaling, to be clear this is another of those threads.

Well if you think this is, (isn't by the way) it helps to understand why you think there's so many of them.

Again, your professional experience? Are you a TA?

@bellac11 is spot on.

The determination of some to insist this isn't true is depressing. It happens pretty much daily on here.

That took long.

Or could it be, (given the far larger number of people trying to explain to you, that they aren't making association because the behaviour is negative, but the behaviour is specifically something they recognise in ND themselves/their spouse/DC, which simply happens to also be negative) that this is all you and @bellac11 can hear, despite what's been written.

There's not much anyone else can do about that.

I'm also intrigued as to @bellac11 having such expertise, with no personal experience and avoiding any clarification of the professional experience she mentions. I think, if any, TA or social worker.

However the biggest issue, as with many threads, is the that the minute someone posts with negative information about a parter/family member, the replies suggest that the negative behaviour could be ASD.

Yes, @bellac11, and then leaving it hanging as a statement in itself ...

And loads of us are left thinking, 'And what??'

Not in a shrugging 'so what' sense; but in more of a 'and now what?' sense.

Especially on a thread like this one where many posters have previously gone to the trouble of outlining their strategies for dealing with the effects of their ND(s) on themselves and others.

One thing that's probably also worth saying is that it's not always apparent just how difficult it can be to live with someone with certain presentations of certain ND(s). Parents have little choice. Partners do. Lived experiences and lived learning count for a great deal. Sometimes it just cannot work out in the long-term, and certainly not without both partners putting in the work on strategies.

I agree with those saying to set an example. This is what your son is seeing and is likely to emulate as he gets older. Don't accept it.

I'd also add that you need to hold DH accountable and stop blaming how he was raised. He isn't a child now.

Well the fact that he only works 2 days a week yet moans how busy he is and needs a cleaner is the part I'd have a major issue with.