To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

Nobody is diagnosing @liondreams .
We are suggesting possible neurodiversity as something for OP's family to consider and maybe investigate (in the hope that this might help improve things). She or her DH may not have considered this before. It could come to nothing or it could be helpful.

@ValleyoftheLilly "only captains and arseholes stand in doorways, and you're not the captain...."

Doorway= hatchway or companion way.

My Dad can be like this, dominating conversation, standing in your way etc. he has autism and he cannot help it. He is also the kindest loveliest and decent fella around. It’s not black and white.
Is it possible you are pissed off with so have just listed all his bad points. Does he have good points, is he a good Dad? Is he loyal and kind?
Also in the interests of fairness what would he say about you? What traits would he list and what behaviour of you own would you not like your son to inherit from yourself?

My child (11) used to go on long monologues about things he’s interested in. I’ve been ruthlessly clear with him that this is an unacceptable way to converse with others. I’ve made it clear he must ask questions of others, there is always something fascinating about the person you’re talking to, and it’s your job to find it. You cannot let your son become a massive bore, it’s a crime against the rest of us!

@Gettinagoldtoof yes you can. Everyone should be able to be themselves.

Hmm, so are you denying that monologues such as OP described are also associated with people on the autism spectrum?
That they're, in fact, not exclusively associated with people 'being a knob"?

Nobody is diagnosing here. They are suggesting possibilities that OP and her husband may not have considered before.

You cannot train your DS - whatever you say, he will model what is done in front of him.

I divorced his father partially because of the 'not doing the washing up' thing -https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 . And I must add, my son's father was by no means so useless as yours.

But I brought my son up from tiniest childhood to 'packaway' at 'packaway time', and he now cleans up as he goes whenever he changes activities or before going to bed.

He's currently living with me, towards the end of a planned year of him being here. His still plays his part in the houseehold. His standards are not mine, but he tries, which means he's been no trouble to have around.

I have no idea how this would have been had he grownup seeing his father acting the way your son's dad does.

My mother would disagree with you about the cleaning.

Always clear a surface, clean it then put back.

The lack of anything being done on the whole - have you discussed it? What does he say he gets done?
Does he do childcare at all? Holidays? After school?

The dominating conversations would drive me nuts - have you told him about this too?

You are describing me and I have adhd

No amount of modelling and showing your ds how to do things like a NT is going to change anything if he has inherited his fathers ADHD.

Not at the expense of everyone else, they shouldn’t. No! Not having it.

Yes my child is ND. But actually yes, he has the capacity to be interesting and interested, and now with a lot of support from me and others around him he has understood what’s important to others, and that a conversation goes two ways.

I actually find it unacceptable that some parents don’t support their children to socialise. When a child I’m with reels off huge long lists of birds he’s interested in I want to cry of boredom. That poor child will struggle to make friends because he’s not been taught to connect with others. For some kids that comes naturally, for others they need some support. It’s awful not to give it to them, and then moan about them when they’re adults and can’t hold a conversation.

It's not about dismissing the suggestions, but on MN posters seem so quick to jump to a diagnosis, which is ludicrous. ND conditions are so complex and it takes people with expertise to diagnose, no matter how many people here have experience and diagnosed-individuals in their lives.
I would guess that more women on this forum have experience of knobby behaviour from men they've been unfortunate enough to share their lives with, than with neurodiversity.
And I do think that too often on here, annoying or intolerable behaviour is dismissed or excused as being a result of neurodiversity.
Personally, I don't think it's helpful. And even if ND were the reason, it doesn't mean the OP should just accept and tolerate it.

Absolutely! The cause actually isn’t important - here or anywhere else! The behaviour is unacceptable and something has to change.

Oh, and just to add, my son is not neurotypical, and I worked with autistic people for many years.

The one thing they will not be able to change is the focus on their passions and their dislike of certain things.

They certainly can change their response to that.

Being autistic is not a free pass. Autistic people can (and in myexperience are very keen to) find coping skills.

And when all the coping skills are being employed by someone else and not the person - in any disorder - that's someone who doesn't give a shit about other people. Because very neurodiverse person I've known has wanted to avoid upsetting others. I'm sure there's shitty autistic people out there - I've not met one.

'every' not 'very'

Oh yes he sounds a LOT like mine who does have a dx of ASD.

Some of it will be bad habits - the 'im so busy' tends to come from the lack of awareness over time, and the time they spend thinking about doing a job being lumped in with the time it takes TO do the job, and that job is generally done inefficiently so takes longer than it should anyway...

So then a job that may take you 10 minutes, in his mind has genuinely taken him 2 hours...

I am not sure the 'wanting a party parade and chufty badge for doing a job' thing is ASD related - its more 'bloke' related in my experience. Teach him to just congratulate himself instead of needing external gratitude.

However if he is not willing to consider there may be a reason behind his behaviours, or that his behaviours do make him harder to live with and cause you problems... then of course, throw away whole man.

ASD may be the reason behind certain behaviour patterns but it is never an excuse to be an arsehole.

I'll tell you what is more damaging.

Dismissing a person potentially struggling with undiagnosed ND issues, as "just another shitty/cunty man"

Awful.

Gettinagoldtoof*
My child (11) used to go on long monologues about things he’s interested in. I’ve been ruthlessly clear with him that this is an unacceptable way to converse with others. I’ve made it clear he must ask questions of others, there is always something fascinating about the person you’re talking to, and it’s your job to find it. You cannot let your son become a massive bore, it’s a crime against the rest of us

MIL said this to dh and his brother. (Both looking at them with fresh eyes after my own diagnosis are definitely on the spectrum)

The problem is that both have taken the advice to heart and don’t speak about anything they do. (As dh has got older the more reticent he has become over discussing what he wants, what he likes what he is doing) But the questions are never ending

I now ignore his questions. I refuse to answer any. It is driving a wedge to the point we are separated. We might share the same house for now but neither myself or dc can stand the barrage of questions.
Dc timed him a few months ago and he asked 15 questions in the space of 1 minute. He isn’t interested in the answer to anything but that advice to ask questions as that shows you are interested in other people is only good if you say to wait for an answer and listen to the answer then say something about yourself that is relevant and ties in with their answer.

Just saying to ask questions and find out about the other person has its problems as well as people just feel they are being interrogated.

Sounds quite likely actually. I say that living with a autistic adult.

Why do people always insist, when it is noted to an OP that someone can see possible ND traits (and usually because they themselves/their DC/spouse are ND) that it's a fucking diagnosis?!

It's for OP to consider something that may not have crossed her mind before.

Understanding the cause is helpful in addressing behaviour I find.

Omg your post is hilarious!

So what if he's autistic? Not OPs problem, you don't stay married to someone out of pity if they're doing your tits in.

This

Your son will copy his father's behaviour if that is what is being modelled to him. Nothing you say to your son will change this OP.

One of the many reason for my divorce was the fact he wanted 10/10 and a round of applause for putting the bins out ‘for me’

My 10 year old son says his helping is helping the house run smoothly not doing stuff ‘for me’

my ex implied almost daily that 20 jobs, full time child care and full time career would not be able to function without his support of once a week putting the bins out. I’m pleased to say divorcing him reduced my jobs by over 50-%