To ask how I make sure DS doesn’t end up like this..

[ValleyoftheLilly]

DH is great in lots of ways. But I am finding my nerves jangling due to some of his behaviours;

• standing in doorways/middle of the room for ten minutes at a time doing something on his phone. Not an affair for sure. It’s usually reading news or similar.
• leaving cupboard doors and drawers open after use.
• getting grumpy at the slightest hint of criticism (e.g. could you cook something healthy please I feel the need for nutrients - interpreted as ‘you never cook anything healthy’ - and then getting grumpy and sulky.
• doesnt work much - I’m the main breadwinner, which is fine, but he doesn’t seem to get much done. We have a cleaner because he can’t seem to do it. I just can’t figure out what he does do!!
• goes on long monologues about something he’s interested in despite no one being interested.
• dominates the conversation in social settings - even if it’s just MY friend visiting.
• doesnt ask people questions about themselves but goes on and on about what he’s been doing.
• performative housework - eg so if I clean a surface I lift any ornaments up as I go along and clean under them - he takes all the ornaments off, puts them on the floor, then cleans, then puts them all back. Huffing and puffing all the way. But won’t allow me to advise him on more efficient ways - I cleaned in my younger days and was very good at it, if I do say so myself.
• Huffs and puffs and sighs and moans about how busy he is to anyone who will listen. We have one DC age 12, three bed house, he works two days a week. He’s one of the least busy people I know.

I could go on. He has some lovely qualities but I’m hard pressed to recall them right now. I’m VERY pre menstrual and have a LOT going on emotionally so I’m not in the best place TBH. But dear god he’s doing my nut in!

Just needed a rant really. But seriously, how do I train DS?

He doesn’t work much as circumstance’s changed. I may push for him to do more. Financially it would make more sense for me to work more as I can work more but until he is better at domestic stuff that feels impossible.

But what are those circumstances? Has he had mental or physical health problems and has had to reduce how much he works? Did he get fired and has only managed to find a job for 2 days a week? Why can't he work more hours?
Did he just decide to stop working as much?

I won't comment on the neurodiversity stuff as plenty of people already have. That's actually a side issue. You've got a DH who isn't contributing fairly to either the financial side by working full-time or to the domestic side by actually taking on most of the household tasks while you work full-time. So what is he actually doing and why?

Are you under the impression that nt men don't marry nd women @Fuckingfuming1 ? I can assure you they do.

Tell him to get a job that covers 30+ hours a week. Train your son.

I have absolutely no doubt that they do, and I have absolutely no doubt that the ND women work more than 2 days a week and manage the home. Allowances are rarely made on the same scale. In fact, I’ve known women divorced and the children taken from them for less.

Autism... On MN It is de rigeur for anyone who isn't running on all four cylinders to suggest that they may be 'On the spectrum' or 'Neurodiverse'...{Never that they are just a lazy so and so}

Can I just add that I have many neuro diverse friends who manage to hold jobs and do their share of housework, in fact none of them use it as an excuse to shirk their responsibilities.

Yep. I never see posters leaping to defend women who don't do much and arguing that they are autistic. It's always only men.

For heavens sake @MotherofGorgons, people are not suggesting DH may be ND simply because he doesn't 'do much'. The OP mentioned many traits that correlate with neurodiversity. It doesn’t mean he is ND of course, but it does mean it's a possibility, one that might not have been considered before.
And that might make a difference or might not. But it could help OP's family to know and that's why people are mentioning it.

You don't get so many men posting on MN re their spouses, remember that too.

It sounds like he needs to get a full time job (some of the income from which could be used to outsource some household tasks). He sounds a bit lazy.

Haha I don’t know! Let me try and ask something that isn’t too outing…

Did we see the Barbie movie together last week?

Did you consider ADHD.
The talking 'at' rather than to someone.
Hyper-focus on one idea. Procrastination so nothing mundane gets done because phone, laptop, or other important 'ideas' get in the way.

Hyper-sensitive to disapproval so has to elicit sympathy all day long.

The person has a clutter of ideas in their head all day long, so for them, they are tired and can't focus. But if something or someone takes their interest they are 'on' it like a laser beam.
Going on and on and on about some random topic. Not stopping to ask you how you are.

Are women required to put up with grumpy sulky men on the off-chance they are ND? Men wouldn't. This isn't just about being boring. I would forgive that.

Why don't you print out your OP and have a sit down discussion with your H about it.

Explain that you don't want your DS to turn out with these attributes because it will make him the type of person that no one wants to be around, let alone marry, and see what he says?

Unfortunately kids absorb the how the world around them in modelled; bad as well as good, so if your H doesn't stop modelling this type of behaviour, your DS will assume that is how men behave (& he'll end up draining the life out of some poor woman, or being incredibly lonely because no sensible woman would put up with this shit).

ASD or ADHD spring to mind if it's genuine. If he wants to improve but can't I'd look into him getting a diagnosis and some support. However if he's happy with how it is I'd be more inclined to guess at laziness.

Yes.
That they MAY be. People are suggesting that he MAY be neurodiverse. MAY.

Or is your point that the only reason that a person might not be 'running on all four cylinders' is that they are invariably a 'lazy so and so' and that no other possibility should ever be considered?

And you are wrong too. Plenty of posters have already suggested that OP's DH is lazy, a waste of space etc. Plenty.

I don't see the problem with other possibilities being considered too.

He's also a nasty so and so.

This is just like me. Must suck to be my husband.

Apart from the last bit, I do ask questions etc.

Oh how can you tolerate this? I'd be in a secure unit if I had to live with him.

I leave drawers & cabinets open. Ha! We r getting divorced . Hooray!
I don't talk much, though, it's a sign of my unhappiness about still being married...

Other than the low productivity I would have said OP's DH doesn't sound bad at all. But Sure, chuck him. Take your perfect self to find some other perfect self instead.

This is so dismissive of the experience of people who find it impossible to live with someone who displays the behaviours of OP's partner, whether it's due to neurodiversity or not.

I have ADHD. I also have bipolar. As an adult, it is reasonable and respectful of me to understand that it is my responsibility to acknowledge the challenges this can present to a partner and work on coping strategies that mean I can live as harmoniously as possible with someone I love.

I ensured I pursued a diagnosis, I have tried various coping strategies and I am stable bipolar wise because of medication, which has been life changing.

If I had chosen not to look into a diagnosis, refused to acknowledge the symptoms, refused point blank to try medication then I wouldn't have blamed a parter for saying they couldn't cope with living with me.

Not because I don't think I deserve a loving partner, but because everyone has breaking points and as an adult I don't expect everyone to be able to cope with my behaviour or else accuse them of thinking they're 'perfect' and only want 'perfect' partners.

It's dismissive to accuse people of that. And minimises what it can be like to be the partner of someone whose behaviours may be due to a condition (whether diagnosed or undiagnosed) but are still behaviours that are hard to live with.

I adore my partner. We are a team. We both want to be our best selves for each other and work together to make that happen. If I suddenly stopped making the effort to manage my symptoms or came off my meds and didn't want to ever be medicated again, he might not be able to cope with being in a relationship with me. Not because he only wants someone 'perfect' but because he's allowed to have limits and boundaries too!

That's a very good post, @monsteramunch (although presumably wasted on the contrarian!).

😂😂 my husband does the phone thing too! Usually watching a sports video. And the cupboards and drawers thing! Drives me crazy!

@monsteramunch brilliant post.

From being on here one might be absolutely terrified of their children being with a partner with ADHD/autistic traits because they are associated so negatively with such lazy selfishness and taking zero regard for those around them and zero responsibility for how their behaviour impacts others.

I would be appalled if my children ended up with someone who did little to contribute to their lives positively, largely opted out of work, and expected to be carried indefinitely, without ever seeking to improve their situation if they genuinely had an issue that could be helped.

How anyone finds some like this attractive at the dating stage is beyond me.

Can they really mask for so long, so completely?

Which then makes me wonder were these signs there or do they magically appear when they are set up with someone who is carrying the load mentally and paying for everything.

I read about these men on here, but how come women do not appear to opt out so much.
Is it just female conditioning that we often get on with things.

Genuine question.

@billy1966 I think sometimes people don't realise they have these conditions so it's harder to address them. It's only relatively recently that autistic people who have lower obvious support needs are being diagnosed. It's the same for other types of neurodiversity.

People do mask and also family and friends don't recognise the signs. People have sterotypical views of conditions like autism. If someone enjoys meeting people and makes eye contact some people assume they can't be autistic for example, but there's such a huge variety of presentations. And sometimes people can cope well with a simpler life, but fall apart when trying to juggle more complex situations like family life.

As someone living with an autistic person (child), our whole family is impacted. It is difficult, most of all for them, but for other family members too - but again that is just our personal circumstances.

I hate seeing the behaviour described as 'lazy selfishness' though, as my family member isn't selfish at all. Sometimes they are unable to.perform a task but the reasons are not selfish, even though they might appear so if you didn't understand why.
But life would be simpler without the autism for sure. For them most of all but for the family too.