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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stuck between daughter and husband

211 replies

mrspointi · 26/07/2023 07:53

My daughter is due to give birth in 4 ish weeks. Her fiancé is currently away and is returning days before the due date. Our daughter has asked us to be on call for her while he is away. This weekend dh wants to go to a cinema showing 45 minutes away on Saturday night. My daughter is very upset about this and says the cinema he’s chosen (old style one) is in the opposite direction to the hospital which is already 40 minutes away from her home, and so if she needed us it would be an hour and a half at least before she got to the hospital. I have tried to reassure her that even if she went into labour she probably wouldn’t need to go in straight away especially as it’s her first baby. I’ve also told her she’s more likely to go over the due date than have the baby early. DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager and in her thirties she could call an ambulance if things were desperate. I’ve suggested to DH we go to the cinema after the birth but then the film he wants to see won’t be on. I know our daughter is being very over the top but I also understand the stress she is under and wonder if we should just accept it for now given how close it is to the birth. If I say that though, DH just despairs and will think we are giving in to silly demands. Would you just stick to the plans and go out as it’s only a few hours?

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 26/07/2023 07:57

My first baby had merconium when my waters broke at home and I had to go in immediately as they said it was an emergency. She also came early.
Ambulances are not reliable. She would be waiting hours. You offered to be her on call so going to the cinema 45 minutes in the other direction isn’t really ok. Just suck it up and stop arguing with your heavily pregnant, hormonal, emotional daughter. Her main support, her husband, has already abandoned her and now in her eyes you’re doing the same

Gymmum82 · 26/07/2023 07:59

Actually just re read the op and she’s not due for 4 weeks. I thought she was due imminently. Just go to the cinema and don’t tell her. Then she’s not hysterical and your husband isn’t stropping

Original poster
mrspointi · 26/07/2023 08:00

@Gymmum82 thanks! Yes it’s quite early to be panicking isn’t it. He fiancé hasn’t abandoned her though, he has to be away for work and has no choice! He will be back before the due date.

OP posts:
Smoky1107 · 26/07/2023 08:03

To be honest I gave birth four weeks early but it wasn't an emergency and there really was no panic! I'd go to the cinema, have your phone on vibrate and tell her absolute emergency only (as I do my teens if I'm at the cinema). She's worried and hormonal but I think stopping you from this at 36 weeks is a bit extreme

iamsmaller1 · 26/07/2023 08:03

I'm a nurse.. The odds of what @Gymmum82 described are very small. You're right. 4 weeks off a due date for first baby means she's unlikely to go into labour in the 1.5 hrs (3 if you add driving time) you're at the cinema. If she does she won't be admitted straight away. Can your husband go to film and you be on call. Or have a back up friend in the very unlikely event something happens in those 3 hrs

AuntieSoap · 26/07/2023 08:03

You're perfectly fine to go to the cinema, but you know that. Your DH is right! I'd be calm but firm while reassuring your daughter that it's ok for you to be 45 minutes away several weeks before her due date.

YourNameGoesHere · 26/07/2023 08:04

She's got a whole month to go and is already dictating that you can't go to the cinema this weekend! I can see why your DH is getting frustrated, it's going to be al long month if you've got to be at her beck and call for the duration and never able to be more than a short drive from hers at all times.

It's a few hours out 4 weeks before her due date not a week long trip away.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/07/2023 08:04

Haven't you heard about ambulances taking hours/days reaching people who have serious sounding conditions like falls down stairs? if I were your dd I'd rather have a neighbour on standby to drive me to A&E than call an ambulance.

Your dd is being unreasonable about you travelling 45 mins away. You can't just stay at home waiting for a call that may not even come. I would just go and not tell her tbh.

WhatTheFlipToDo · 26/07/2023 08:05

On the one hand, she is definitely being ridiculous. Plenty of partners are not available/around 24/7 in the run up to the birth for work reasons (armed forces, lorry drivers, surgeons) and not all have parents close. For the sake of this small window of time, she should surely have a back up plan of who to call. In laws, close friend etc.

HOWEVER, for the sake of a family harmony - and knowing how irrationally anxious some people get - I’d roll my eyes, sack off the film and reassure her I was staying at home. The film will be streamable by the end of the summer I imagine and - I’d argue - it’s not worth upsetting your heavily pregnant daughter for. Even if she is being a tad on the dramatic side.

rubyslippers · 26/07/2023 08:05

Why is her husband away? Work

I would go - have your phone on vibrate
the likelihood of her going into labour a month early is unlikely - she sounds stressed because she’s on her own (is her partner isn’t with her)
reassure her but I wouldn’t be changing plans a month ahead of time

Original poster
mrspointi · 26/07/2023 08:07

(She’s due second week of august)

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 26/07/2023 08:07

Go to the cinema hormones cannot be blamed to control people to this extent, tell her to stop dictating people and the world does not stop because someone is pregnant

Zanatdy · 26/07/2023 08:07

Your DD is understandably anxious. First baby, her partner is away, and now she’s concerned she will be in labour on her own. Even if she didn’t need to go to hospital straight away maybe she wants you there for help during early labour? I’d scrap the film, watch it when it comes out, or find a closer cinema. In the grand scheme of things I’d put my DD first, even if she’s being a little irrational

Sirzy · 26/07/2023 08:09

She can’t expect you to put your life on hold for four weeks. Your husband is right and if I where him I would say “well I am goinb and it’s up to you if you come or not”

Heronwatcher · 26/07/2023 08:11

Can’t your DH go on his own? I think she is being a bit OTT but she’s 8ish months pregnant and sounds a bit anxious so I think I’d probably give her the benefit of the doubt here and start laying down the boundaries if this continues after birth. I also personally wouldn’t enjoy it if I did go in these circumstances as I’d be worried myself.

MattieandmummyandIs · 26/07/2023 08:11

I would put my DD first too, yes it's unlikely that she will go into labour but she's clearly frightened something awful will happen and she's asked for your help.

Elfandwellbeing · 26/07/2023 08:12

First baby she is probably scared, has little idea what to expect. I suppose it is unlikely that the baby will arrive early and quickly however she sounds anxious, she asked you to be on standby, which you agreed and now you are ignoring her concerns and she likely feels unsupported. Put it another way, how would you feel if she said someone else was on standby and she didn’t need you? You are her mum, age is just a number, she is telling you she needs your reassurance. Reassurance that you will and can be there for her. Incidentally the same thing happened to me so I am probably sensitive… my mother also told me to call an ambulance when I asked for help and I have never forgotten it. I wanted my mum.

Porageeater · 26/07/2023 08:13

You said ‘the cinema he has chosen’. Is there a closer one for a compromise? She is being completely irrational yes, but only you know how this is likely to affect her - will she calm down about it or will it tip her over the edge? I could not enjoy myself if I thought my heavily pregnant dd was having a meltdown about it. But I think my dh would probably be the same as yours.

Peridot1 · 26/07/2023 08:13

I think she is being unreasonable but hormones and feeling vulnerable can do that.

I’m sure there will be a friend or other relative who could be on call for that one night if she needs so maybe suggest either she or you ask someone she will be comfortable with. It is highly unlikely to be needed but may allay her worries.

Lamelie · 26/07/2023 08:13

A month before due date?
She could come to the cinema with you.

CalistoNoSolo · 26/07/2023 08:14

She sounds like a massive drama lama tbh. If you are determined to pander to her then you go stay at hers until her husband is back and your husband can do as many cinema trips as he likes. It doesn't take two people to drive someone to a hospital.

Stickystickystick · 26/07/2023 08:16

You are fine to go. With a first baby she will have plenty of warning that labour is starting and you would have ample time to make preparations to get her to hospital. Ambulances should only be called in a true emergencies. Things like meconium stained waters would not indicate an ambulance to hospital. Own transport is appropriate for these sort of scenarios. I'm sure she has a friend she could have on standby to transport her to the hospital while you make your way there if anything was to happen in that tiny time frame. I am really tying not to preach but please please don't call ambulances as a means of transport to the hospital unless a real emergency. They are in such short supply and to the above poster who said you don't have to wait hours...this is unfortunately the reality for Lower catagory cases. The elderly who are stuck on the floor with potential non life threatening injuries can wait hours for an ambulance. You might not want to hear it but it is reality. On a happier note enjoy your new grandchild OP

ittakes2 · 26/07/2023 08:17

I had an emergency c section 4 weeks early

Minniem2020 · 26/07/2023 08:18

I can understand that she's anxious but she's being unreasonable.
It's going to be a long few weeks if she's already dictating where you can go.

Mischance · 26/07/2023 08:19

You need to help your DD to stop worrying so much.

In the unlikely event that the cinema coincides with her needing to go to hospital she can ring for a taxi. Or your OH could go to cinema and you stay behind if this makes her feel better.