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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stuck between daughter and husband

211 replies

mrspointi · 26/07/2023 07:53

My daughter is due to give birth in 4 ish weeks. Her fiancé is currently away and is returning days before the due date. Our daughter has asked us to be on call for her while he is away. This weekend dh wants to go to a cinema showing 45 minutes away on Saturday night. My daughter is very upset about this and says the cinema he’s chosen (old style one) is in the opposite direction to the hospital which is already 40 minutes away from her home, and so if she needed us it would be an hour and a half at least before she got to the hospital. I have tried to reassure her that even if she went into labour she probably wouldn’t need to go in straight away especially as it’s her first baby. I’ve also told her she’s more likely to go over the due date than have the baby early. DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager and in her thirties she could call an ambulance if things were desperate. I’ve suggested to DH we go to the cinema after the birth but then the film he wants to see won’t be on. I know our daughter is being very over the top but I also understand the stress she is under and wonder if we should just accept it for now given how close it is to the birth. If I say that though, DH just despairs and will think we are giving in to silly demands. Would you just stick to the plans and go out as it’s only a few hours?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 26/07/2023 10:30

An ambulance really shouldn’t be used where there are viable and clear alternatives. Given this weekend is the last weekend of July and she is going to be over 38 weeks well within the window the due date is based around (after all each day now has a fairly even chance of it being the day)

whowhatwerewhy · 26/07/2023 10:35

I think your DD is being over cautious . A lot of women are still working this far into their pregnancy.
Im with your DH go to the cinema

JenniferBarkley · 26/07/2023 10:38

Logically, you're fine to go to the cinema - the chances that she'll need you in those couple of hours are vanishingly small.

However, she's your daughter, she's heavily pregnant and her partner is away - this is the kind of situation where I would be understanding of her not thinking logically. Could your DH go with a friend?

Clementin50 · 26/07/2023 10:43

Op we still need context.

Is your daughter prone to high demands

Or does your DH have form for brushing aside female concerns, at one of the most vulnerable times of her life

Or neither

Or both

This information matters

Personally I don't understand why you'd said it was 4 weeks away when it could be just over a week before her due date. Or why your DH is insisting on that cinema and won't accept any compromise on going with a friend or closer. I suspect your DH is minimising her concern here, and I could not imagine treating my own daughter this way. If she can't rely on you now, when can she?

The only thing that will convince me she's 9ver reacting is if you explain that she's normally 9verly demanding and controlling and has form tbh

roarrfeckingroar · 26/07/2023 10:46

She's unreasonable but I would indulge her at this point in her first pregnancy. Your husband is also being stubborn and childish. Is he her dad? He can go alone

dolorsit · 26/07/2023 10:48

YABU

If I had agreed to be "on call" I would not be going 45 minutes away in the opposite direction for something that is unnecessary. If I didn't want to restrict myself (or already had plans) I would have said no so that my DD could make alternative arrangements.

While I think it's understandable for your DH to maybe have a little grumble to you about not being able to go to his cinema of choice I'm really shocked at your husband's reaction.

Frankly if I was your DD I'd be worried about your husband agreeing to leave the cinema if you were needed.

Is your husband your DD's dad? He sounds very dismissive, I can't imagine my husband reacting the same way even if he thought our DD was overreacting.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/07/2023 10:50

How on earth do women who don't have retired parents living nearby manage when they're pregnant?

Sorry but this gives me such a massive eyeroll. She's being silly. Go and don't tell her. Tell her that cabs exist for a reason.

Hibiscrubbed · 26/07/2023 11:01

“D, you’re not due for four weeks, you’ll be three weeks off when we go to the cinema. I’ll have my phone on me if you need us, but you’re needlessly panicking. We can’t sit in and do nothing from here-on-in, in case of the very unlikely event your first baby rocks up early. I love you, but come on…”

Spirallingdownwards · 26/07/2023 11:12

does she not have any friends who could "cover" for just one evening?

Go to the cinema.

PrincessUnicorns · 26/07/2023 11:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

dolorsit · 26/07/2023 11:35

Hibiscrubbed · 26/07/2023 11:01

“D, you’re not due for four weeks, you’ll be three weeks off when we go to the cinema. I’ll have my phone on me if you need us, but you’re needlessly panicking. We can’t sit in and do nothing from here-on-in, in case of the very unlikely event your first baby rocks up early. I love you, but come on…”

The op has clarified that her dd is due the 2nd week of August, so potentially at week 38 at the weekend.

Bouledeneige · 26/07/2023 13:49

Your DD is being ridiculous. Is she expecting you not to go out at all? What's stopping her getting a taxi in the unlikely event she has to rush at the precise moment you or your DH are in the cinema?

Sounds like quite a precious, I mean anxious, first time Mother.

Cas112 · 26/07/2023 14:37

Your daughter is being highly unreasonable

Bansheed · 26/07/2023 15:15

This has depressed the hell put of me. It is pretty much 'women gave birth in rice fields and carried on to work a full day with no bother'..

This is one of the most alienating times in human history to be pregnant. I have had three, worked, had nannies and am definitely one of life's serious copers.

However, I wouldn't even think twice to be around a 1st time pregnant mother at 37 weeks, as her support and alter plans accordingly.

And I think your DH is being a dick to think otherwise.

FTR, with out medically intervention, 1 out of 10 women died and 3 out of 10 were permanently injured. ( remember these stats from a study in Yemen about 20 years ago).

Birth is a common process, many sail through, but not humdrum, nor without risk (1 brain injury and 1 lung injury and 1 text book healthy, out of my births in leading, teaching hospitals)

Sigmama · 26/07/2023 15:15

Next time don't tell her, she is ott

gloriawasright · 26/07/2023 16:08

She is 38 weeks now ?
My dd gave birth at 38weeks,labour was 1.5 hours .
You can see a movie any time,give your dd peace of mind and bin the movie.
Hormones are all over the place at this stage,cut her some slack and let her have a stress free weekend .

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2023 16:12

She's stressed and worried but being unreasonable. My dh worked away until a week before my due date. If I'd gone into labour I was getting an taxi to hospital.

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2023 16:13

I wouldn't have told her you were going to the cinema. She doesn't need to know your exact location for the next month

shakeitoffsis · 26/07/2023 16:13

your daughter is being totally unreasonable. Enjoy the film.

ChildrenOfRuin · 26/07/2023 16:29

Logically the odds are that you’d be fine going to the cinema without there being a problem. Even though she must be 38 weeks along now, if the baby’s due in the second week of August.

But it’s her first baby, she’s clearly anxious, so under the circumstances I’d personally either cancel the cinema trip, or rearrange it for a cinema nearer her home.

FWIW, while I started having contractions about 20 hours before I gave birth to DC1, it took me about 16 hours to work out that the pains I was feeling might be related to being in labour.
DC1 was back to back, so the contractions just felt like a weird intermittent backache until things were quite well advanced.

Ponoka7 · 26/07/2023 16:35

I was my DD'S birth partner, as well as her DP. In the last two weeks I wasn't more than about 40 minutes away. I wouldn't tell a relative to get a taxi, alone, for any other medical procedure that is as difficult as birth, so why would I tell my DD that? I remember going in by myself, to just get my tonsils out and I was the only one alone. Births can be two weeks either way, so she's entered the time that birth is likely. You need to clarify if there was another cinema closer, or if your DH is generally dismissive when it's something women go through. Isolation increases anxiety and increases the likelihood of PND, I wouldn't be subjecting my DD to those risks. Is it your DH who has put in your head that she has a month to go? Now you've worked out it's two weeks, are you rethinking things?

Beachwalker66 · 26/07/2023 16:36

I wouldn’t go. I would convince myself something would happen with DD and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the film anyway.

Just get DH to go on his own, it’s no big deal surely? Is DH the father of your DD?

Ponoka7 · 26/07/2023 16:40

Fwiw, my DD had her first within three hours, it was a home birth and needed pain relief and a MW within an hour of me arriving. I was just talking about the lack of care and thought towards women the other day. Previous generations had friends and family (who were neighbours) around them. The more care a woman gets, the better her and the baby's health is.

NumberTheory · 26/07/2023 16:50

Is she really expecting you to be less than 45 minutes away for the next 4 - 6 weeks? How close does she think you should be?

My DH was an hour away every weekday until I gave birth. It didn’t occur to me that it would be a problem. I assumed there’d be time and in the unlikely case there wasn’t, I’d call emergency services.

I think you should go to the cinema, but also, since she’s anxious about the pregnancy, maybe try and spend a bit more time with her providing a calm, reasonable voice to counter her fears when she gets anxious.

tattygrl · 26/07/2023 16:53

To me, it comes down to the fact that you agreed to be on call. If you think it's ridiculous to need to be on call, nearby and available at this time, why did you agree to it? I also think your husband is being needlessly callous. It's understandable that you both feel your daughter is being over-anxious, but saying "she's not a teenager any more, she can get an ambulance if she needs to" is a little bit eyebrow-raising to me. I think a bit of extra love and care wouldn't go amiss here.

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