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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stuck between daughter and husband

211 replies

mrspointi · 26/07/2023 07:53

My daughter is due to give birth in 4 ish weeks. Her fiancé is currently away and is returning days before the due date. Our daughter has asked us to be on call for her while he is away. This weekend dh wants to go to a cinema showing 45 minutes away on Saturday night. My daughter is very upset about this and says the cinema he’s chosen (old style one) is in the opposite direction to the hospital which is already 40 minutes away from her home, and so if she needed us it would be an hour and a half at least before she got to the hospital. I have tried to reassure her that even if she went into labour she probably wouldn’t need to go in straight away especially as it’s her first baby. I’ve also told her she’s more likely to go over the due date than have the baby early. DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager and in her thirties she could call an ambulance if things were desperate. I’ve suggested to DH we go to the cinema after the birth but then the film he wants to see won’t be on. I know our daughter is being very over the top but I also understand the stress she is under and wonder if we should just accept it for now given how close it is to the birth. If I say that though, DH just despairs and will think we are giving in to silly demands. Would you just stick to the plans and go out as it’s only a few hours?

OP posts:
FloweryName · 26/07/2023 09:30

Go to the cinema. Your daughter is being a drama queen.

TeaKitten · 26/07/2023 09:31

Dulra · 26/07/2023 08:32

Does it? whether it is 2 weeks or 4 I don't think 3 hours in a cinema is anything to be worried about. As other posters have said life goes on you can't sit and wait at home until she goes into labour. She sounds very anxious and I think her fiancé being away is the main reason for that because she is home alone but she needs to try and stay calm and rational. Could she come stay with you while her fiancé is away that might help so she isn't home alone particularly at night. Either way go to the cinema

Show quote history

There is a difference between pre term and full term yes. I still think they should go the cinema but it makes a difference to how unreasonable the daughter is being in my opinion.

Ohhmydays · 26/07/2023 09:31

Stickystickystick · 26/07/2023 08:16

You are fine to go. With a first baby she will have plenty of warning that labour is starting and you would have ample time to make preparations to get her to hospital. Ambulances should only be called in a true emergencies. Things like meconium stained waters would not indicate an ambulance to hospital. Own transport is appropriate for these sort of scenarios. I'm sure she has a friend she could have on standby to transport her to the hospital while you make your way there if anything was to happen in that tiny time frame. I am really tying not to preach but please please don't call ambulances as a means of transport to the hospital unless a real emergency. They are in such short supply and to the above poster who said you don't have to wait hours...this is unfortunately the reality for Lower catagory cases. The elderly who are stuck on the floor with potential non life threatening injuries can wait hours for an ambulance. You might not want to hear it but it is reality. On a happier note enjoy your new grandchild OP

Not always the case. I had no warning at all with my first. Was fine all day, out with friends. Second I stepped foot in the door got a contraction and ds was here within an hour. I was 2weeks early. I know that it is very rare but it does happen. I think personally i would stay closer to home on the off chance she maybe went early.

10HailMarys · 26/07/2023 09:31

Your DH is right. I can see why she’s anxious with her fiancé away, but she’s not being rational and I don’t think you should validate that by giving in to her. In the unlikely event that she goes into labour early, at the exact time you’re at the cinema, and for some reason needs to be rushed in the second she realises, rather than waiting, she can call an ambulance and you can meet her at the hospital.

She can’t expect you to stay five minutes away for a month.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/07/2023 09:32

Can he go on his own?
I agree your daughter is overly-anxious but I’d put mine before a film in the circumstances.
Would have a gentle chat about what support you’re willing to offer afterwards, though, if you don’t want to be on call every time your daughter’s husband is away.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 26/07/2023 09:36

Your daughter is being unreasonable.
It's 4 weeks till her due date.
Even when my niece decided to come 5 weeks early it wasn't a rush in kind of job.

Also if you were at work etc and she rang then it could take you a while to get to her. Just like partners and husbands who work.
They wouldn't be around partner all the time up until birth.

I think you should have a talk about what people do in day to day life. That most likely with it being her first she will probably be late and even if her waters break prematurely and hour and a half is fine to get to the hospital.
Ring you, get you on the way and then ring up the assessment unit. You'd be there in another 30 mins then she has both of yous in the car.

Mythicalcreatures · 26/07/2023 09:36

Does she not go 90 mins from home? Plenty women commute at that stage of pregnancy. You can't not do anything for 4- 6 weeks, yes don't go away on holiday but you can't and she shouldn't put her life on hold.

Rachie1973 · 26/07/2023 09:36

Porageeater · 26/07/2023 08:13

You said ‘the cinema he has chosen’. Is there a closer one for a compromise? She is being completely irrational yes, but only you know how this is likely to affect her - will she calm down about it or will it tip her over the edge? I could not enjoy myself if I thought my heavily pregnant dd was having a meltdown about it. But I think my dh would probably be the same as yours.

Tip her over the edge? Massive meltdown?

shes pregnant, not terminally ill

Id expect my DDs to get over it and stop expecting the world to revolve around them!

SusieTrevelyan · 26/07/2023 09:39

She needs your support as her parents. How selfish can you get? !

Rachie1973 · 26/07/2023 09:41

SusieTrevelyan · 26/07/2023 09:39

She needs your support as her parents. How selfish can you get? !

Lolol. Has to be humour

overitunderit · 26/07/2023 09:43

I think people aren't reading the OPs update. The due date is the second week in august. The cinema is this Saturday. Which means the daughter will actually be close to 39 weeks when the mother goes to the cinema. So it's not unlikely at all that she will go into labour around that time.

coconutpie · 26/07/2023 09:47

mrspointi · 26/07/2023 08:40

Sorry, due 2nd week of august which in my head is pretty much a month away!

You need to look at a calendar because the second week of August is most certainly NOT a month away. Next week is the first week of August, the week after is the second week. Depending on your DD's due date, by this weekend she could be just over one week to her due date or two weeks to her due date.

Your poor DD is totally reasonable. Your husband is so unreasonable. Does he have any empathy at all? He can go see a film any time. Let him go by himself if he's so bothered to go. If the film is gone from the cinema by then, he can see it when it comes out on digital release on.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 26/07/2023 09:48

Given that you are going to the cinema less than 2 weeks away from her due date, it is a very real possibility that she could go into labour. Not all first labours are slow either, there is no way of telling.

She has asked for your help, so be there for her?

It sounds like your husband is a bit of a twat. I'm assuming he has never been in the position of feeling vulnerable and a bit stranded about to shove a human out of him and has chosen a cinema unnecessarily far away.

Just choose a cinema closer and keep an eye on your phone.

Purpleboat · 26/07/2023 09:49

Your daughter is being overly anxious, however I think most dads would be supportive, given the situation. She’s not going to be pregnant forever. Is demanding behaviour from your DD common (irrespective of pregnancy) and is that why DH is so frustrated?
I do think you should go after reassuring your DD.

toomuchlaundry · 26/07/2023 09:50

When is her DH due back?

If it had been 4 weeks before due date I might have gone to the cinema but as it is less than that now, I would probably give it a miss.

Do any of you work? Might be an idea if your DD has a plan C (as your are plan B).

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 26/07/2023 09:52

Either say ok we wont go Saturday night to keep her happy but without saying anything go a different night or why can she not have a friend over for pizza the evening you are going to the cinema?. To be honest I would go and just ask her to invite a friend or sibling over so she has company just in case she goes into premature labour which is highly unlikely.

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2023 09:52

I'm with your husband. Are you expecting tp do nothing and go nowhere until she gives birth?

Weddingpuzzle · 26/07/2023 10:02

I lived with my parents when I was pregnant with my eldest, DS's father went AWOL as soon as he found out I was pregnant, I was only 23 and very ill (full pg HG) and there is no way I would have dictated that my DP's couldn't go out. Your DD is BU and your DH is being pragmatic. I ended up labouring alone due to some very specific set of circumstances and I was fine.

N27 · 26/07/2023 10:04

you can’t be chained to your house 24/7 for 2 weeks either side of her due date. Her options are:

a) go to the cinema with you

b) have a friend or her in laws on standby for the 3-4 hours you will be out

c) have a back up plan of calling an ambulance or taxi if needs be for 3-4 hours

plenty of people are in worse situations than this around their due date. If you were planning a weekend away to Paris then I would understand but you’re less than an hour away

clarepetal · 26/07/2023 10:09

MattieandmummyandIs · 26/07/2023 08:11

I would put my DD first too, yes it's unlikely that she will go into labour but she's clearly frightened something awful will happen and she's asked for your help.

This.

ModeWeasel · 26/07/2023 10:11

I would 100% miss the cinema personally. Can your husband go alone?

clarepetal · 26/07/2023 10:11

GrumpyOldCrone · 26/07/2023 08:40

I disagree with most of the responses on this thread. I think your husband is being an arse. It’s just a film, whereas your daughter is heavily pregnant and understandably anxious because labour and childbirth can be unpredictable. If it were my daughter I’d want to give her the emotional support and security she needs right now.

Yes!Yes!Yes!

Tiswa · 26/07/2023 10:15

So actually she is going to be this weekend over 38 weeks and is worried.

it is a film - why that particular cinema? I think actually your husband is the one who is making selfish demands - yes she is panicked but the amount she is pregnant she could go into labour and needs support
when is her partner back - what movie is only at one cinema for one weekend

HideousKinky · 26/07/2023 10:17

Unless you are desperate to see the film too, why doesn't your husband go on his own?

LeftTheWashingOut · 26/07/2023 10:26

I'm on the fence with this one. With my first I worked until 39 weeks and my second until my due date - and my commute was a 40 minute drive away from both home and the hospital. So I have been quite relaxed. That said, I know I am sometimes too relaxed and my colleagues would have preferred me to have been at home as they were more anxious I'd go into labour than I was.

If she's 38 weeks and has asked you to be on call until a few days before when her husband gets back it's really only 10 days. So I think you should just suck it up and not go (or shouldn't have told her in the first place...). Or wait until the very last minute to make the decision - if she's got no signs of labour when you need to set off it's unlikely she'll need you back that quickly.