stuck between daughter and husband

[mrspointi]

My daughter is due to give birth in 4 ish weeks. Her fiancé is currently away and is returning days before the due date. Our daughter has asked us to be on call for her while he is away. This weekend dh wants to go to a cinema showing 45 minutes away on Saturday night. My daughter is very upset about this and says the cinema he’s chosen (old style one) is in the opposite direction to the hospital which is already 40 minutes away from her home, and so if she needed us it would be an hour and a half at least before she got to the hospital. I have tried to reassure her that even if she went into labour she probably wouldn’t need to go in straight away especially as it’s her first baby. I’ve also told her she’s more likely to go over the due date than have the baby early. DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager and in her thirties she could call an ambulance if things were desperate. I’ve suggested to DH we go to the cinema after the birth but then the film he wants to see won’t be on. I know our daughter is being very over the top but I also understand the stress she is under and wonder if we should just accept it for now given how close it is to the birth. If I say that though, DH just despairs and will think we are giving in to silly demands. Would you just stick to the plans and go out as it’s only a few hours?

Sorry, due 2nd week of august which in my head is pretty much a month away!

I disagree with most of the responses on this thread. I think your husband is being an arse. It’s just a film, whereas your daughter is heavily pregnant and understandably anxious because labour and childbirth can be unpredictable. If it were my daughter I’d want to give her the emotional support and security she needs right now.

My Dd was born a few weeks early, DH got to work and had to turn right back around. Honestly if it was my DD’s first I’d just tell Dh to suck it up. It can be terrifying having your first. It’s a film, it’s not the end of the world, the chances of her needing you at the exact time you are at the cinema are slim but still.

I also think women are just expected to get on with shit and not complain about anything. Childbirth is a serious business for women and babies and Uk culture around it these days is too dismissive imo.

Your daughter is being unreasonable to expect you to not go out "just in case" - you agreed to be on call, not chained to her house. I could get it if you were going away for the weekend but you're going to a film a couple of hours away from her when she's not due for 3/4 weeks. I understand her worry since she's on her own but you should be reassuring her that you will be with her ASAP when she calls not promising to be no further than round the corner for the next 3 weeks.

The likelihood of her baby both arriving 3/4 weeks early and getting through labour and delivery in the time it takes for you to get from the cinema to the hospital are slim to none.

I personally would have told her I'll have my smart watch and phone on vibrate (so I can unobtrusively receive calls/texts) and if there is an emergency then she should call but otherwise we were going to the cinema.

Take her to the cinema with you.

Huh? It's less than 2 weeks away. How could it possibly be a month away in your head?

Don't go to the cinema. Tell your DH he's being selfish and a bit sexist as he doesn't seem to get what having a baby actually means for a woman. Then text your daughter "I'm sorry I got this wrong. I've cancelled the cinema. Shall we watch a film at your house instead?"

You cannot hold a vigil for days and weeks before the birth. Everyone will be exhausted. Why should it be THAT 2 hours? DD is being a little demanding and self-absorbed.

It’s not four weeks away! Obviously she may go over and not deliver for fours weeks but her due date is around three weeks away.

When is her dh home? That mistake in the op over dates makes a massive difference. If by Saturday shes 10 days out and her dh is home in 5 days then it's literally one of the big days she'd asked you to be free for. So I don't think she's a nutter. I'd be hurt if my parents agreed to be on stand by before dh is home and then a few days before he's home headed out. It's hardly going to be out of the cinema the following weekend is it?

if it was the week of her due date or after I'd agree but the chances of anything happening is slim and unlikely to be quick unless it's an emergency in which case she would need an ambulance.

She is being demanding and self absorbed because she is about to give birth to her first baby and her support system (husband) is away. Surely she's allowed to be a bit demanding at this one moment in her life? I don't understand why women are expected to act as though labour is no big deal and just suck it up.

Put it another way- her parents are being selfish by prioritising a cinema trip over her emotional and potentially physical needs of she goes into labour.

I actually would be feeling pretty gutted right now if I was the daughter in this scenario. It's irrational yes but that doesn't invalidate her feelings.

It is still four weeks away and you do not have to give your daughter reason to be frantic (if she is prone to being illogical) by telling her of your where abouts at all times.
She should always have had a plan that involves an ambulance, a next door neighbour and someone closer to her as a back up.
Her husband or yourselves might be in a traffic jam or have Covid or be too far away if things are progressing super fast.

It is sensible that you be on call but your daughter needs another backup.
It is also sensible to remember that you will be at least half an hour from her by the time you get there or even more if you are at the Cinema. You will not be camping at her door.

When the labour seems to be starting, or is over due, you could move in with her.

I’m 38 almost 39 weeks pregnant and think your daughter is BU. My first labour took 36 mind you so I feel having a baby in 1.5 hours from start to finish is unrealistic for most first time mums! She needs to chill out

I’m really shocked that you’re letting her dictate your free time. She’s in her thirties so should be more than capable of managing any ordinary emergency on her own. It’s not like she’s living in a remote jungle in Borneo! She can phone a taxi if she needed to, like anyone else would do. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Both my parents were dead before I met DH or had kids and as an adult, you just get on with stuff, especially as she’s planning to become a parent herself.

This.

How did she even know about the cinema plans?! Stop telling her these things.

Fuck me! 🤦🏻‍♀️ They’ve done their bit as parents and being there for her when she was a CHILD.

She’s meant to be a grown up now and going to be a parent herself. Or is she planning to delegate that job to mum and dad too??

Totally agree.

She sounds too immature to become a parent.

Are you joking? Second week of August starts in less than 2 weeks time. By this weekend she’ll be just over a week away from her due date if it is the beginning of the second week in August.

or will she be one of those that, as soon as DH is back, it will be 'oh thanks mum and dad, bye, see you in 2/3 weeks. We want to be 'our little family' '
Ughhh

Your DD is being unreasonable but I think I’d pander to to her so she feels like you’ve got her back. It’s a scary time for her and she will feel so much better if she knows you are there for her.

Just go to a cinema in the direction of her house.

What would you do if your husband didn't exist? Do that. Don't be pressurised by him into being less supportive than YOU want to be.

It's not necessary to devote every waking hour to waiting for your DD to go into labour for sure, but how often does your daughter have her first baby? Go and stay with her if you want to do that.

On the other hand if you're naturally a more no nonsense type and you don't want to pander to her, don't. But don't let your H decide what you do, presumably he is capable of setting a film on his own.

I had a baby at 36 weeks who was born in 4 hours, and one at 37 who was born in 90 minutes. Just saying.
The chances are slim, but it's not impossible. Add in to this that you don't always realise you are in labour right at the start, it's only with hindsight that you realise that the weird tummy ache at the beginning was actually part of it.
So although with DC1 labour was 4 hours, I only just made it to hospital in time, because I wasn't expecting it all to happen so fast!
So she's not unreasonable to be concerned in my view.
Is there someone else that could be on call that day? You can't really rely on an ambulance these days.

Great idea.