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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stuck between daughter and husband

211 replies

mrspointi · 26/07/2023 07:53

My daughter is due to give birth in 4 ish weeks. Her fiancé is currently away and is returning days before the due date. Our daughter has asked us to be on call for her while he is away. This weekend dh wants to go to a cinema showing 45 minutes away on Saturday night. My daughter is very upset about this and says the cinema he’s chosen (old style one) is in the opposite direction to the hospital which is already 40 minutes away from her home, and so if she needed us it would be an hour and a half at least before she got to the hospital. I have tried to reassure her that even if she went into labour she probably wouldn’t need to go in straight away especially as it’s her first baby. I’ve also told her she’s more likely to go over the due date than have the baby early. DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager and in her thirties she could call an ambulance if things were desperate. I’ve suggested to DH we go to the cinema after the birth but then the film he wants to see won’t be on. I know our daughter is being very over the top but I also understand the stress she is under and wonder if we should just accept it for now given how close it is to the birth. If I say that though, DH just despairs and will think we are giving in to silly demands. Would you just stick to the plans and go out as it’s only a few hours?

OP posts:
PollyPut · 26/07/2023 22:08

Well, if it's her first baby and she's stressed, I see no reason to make it worse.

Tell your DH to stop being such a big baby and to go see the film on his own or with a friend if it's that important to him. She needs to feel (and see) that you are supporting her

Rascalia86 · 27/07/2023 07:19

My little girl was born over 2 weeks before her due date. I know her due date is 4 weeks away, but she's only gonna give birth to her first child once. The film isn't going anywhere. If this was me in your daughter's place I'd be understandably upset that I'm asking this and you seem to be brushing it off, but this is just me. And why can't you go to a closer cinema?
She's probably stressing over the fact that partner is away as it is and now you'll be out of reach if she needs you.
I'm not saying your being unreasonable but look at it from her point of view. My baby stopped growing and I had reduced movements within my 36-37 weeks. Anything can happen.

Enough4me · 27/07/2023 07:22

I wouldn't do anything that put stress on my heavily pregnant daughter. A film can be seen later.

WandaWonder · 27/07/2023 07:26

Enough4me · 27/07/2023 07:22

I wouldn't do anything that put stress on my heavily pregnant daughter. A film can be seen later.

How is doing something normal like going to a cinema putting stress on someone? she is choosing to stress which she has every right to do but there has a to come a point when people have to stop dictating to others what they do because someone has issues

Ragwort · 27/07/2023 07:33

You seem to be martyring yourself to both your DD and your DH and you want to please them both. It sounds (from your wording) that your DH has chosen this film and you have to go along with his plans ... do you even want to see the film?

I do think they both sound ridiculous and demanding of your time..... make your own decision.

User63847484848 · 27/07/2023 07:35

I think the mistake was probably telling her!

DanBo32 · 27/07/2023 07:44

A woman in labour is a CAT 1 ... SO if she did happen to go into labour, they'd be there within 6 minutes!

Scarlettpixie · 27/07/2023 07:56

mrspointi · 26/07/2023 08:40

Sorry, due 2nd week of august which in my head is pretty much a month away!

Second week of August is less than 2 weeks away! Babies are considered full time at 37 weeks and baby could arrive any time. You are being unreasonable to consider going to the cinema (and not having a clue what date it is)!

it is a shame your first post was so inaccurate as now most of the responses think she has a month until her due date. Baby is much more likely to arrive at 38/39 weeks than 36.

My son threatened to arrive at 35 weeks (I had 2 nights in hospital) and arrived at 37.5 so either way I wouldn’t go (whether 36 or 38 weeks). I also know lots of people who had relatively short labours with their first. No wonder she is worried bless her. She has no idea how this will go for her and he husband is away. Your husband is being very unreasonable. Have you told him she isn’t due for another month too?!

Idek · 27/07/2023 08:06

This is so real. Both parents are so unempathetic and uncaring clearly. People are saying it's normal for husbands to travel but it absolutely isn't for men that truly love you and the family that is coming. They find alternative methods of work. The two months leading to childbirth are life-threatening to women. So many actually die. Imagine being at work when they drop dead, completely freaking alone. People underestimate how often this happens. My mom was alone in multiple pregnancies and it's just one other reason I loathe my POS father.

Women sacrifice so much for men by giving birth and lmfao these comments are pathetic - way too many people tolerate rubbish treatment and think it's normal from their SOs and parents.

Spacemoon · 27/07/2023 08:09

I don't think she is being over the top. I think everyone around her and people replying here are being a bit dismissive to be honest. When I went into labour with my first it was a week before my due date and I had meconium in the water so when I rang labour suite they told me to come straight in. As it happened, my husband had been working away but had rushed home earlier that day from the other side of the country, to get back to me because I felt something wasn't right. I had been very on edge for a good few weeks prior to this and had my mum on alert just in case DH couldn't get home. My mum was brilliant and (I must point out here, I didn't ask her to!) chose to stay within half hour of home during this time so as to ease some of my concerns.

Luckily in my case, my husband got back in time, as we had to rush straight to the hospital. It turned out I had strep b that hadn't been picked up and the meconium was from baby being in distress and both me and my son nearly died during labour. The labour progressed abnormally quickly. I could have managed to phone an ambulance for myself, but who would want their loved ones to have to go through that alone? Not to mention the NHS crisis we are currently in and people having to wait hours for an ambulance! Now of course, that's just my scenario and most births will be more straight forward, but emergencies DO happen and just because it's her first it certainly does not mean she is likely to go over her due date or that she'll be able to chill at home for a good few hours before going to the hospital. Out of all my friends and family who have had their first babies over the last 10 years, only 1 has managed to stay at home for the early part of the labour. All others have had some kind of complication of additional need where they need to be at the hospital pronto.

You know her best though and I'm assuming would be able to tell if she was just having the usual first time mum worries or if she was genuinely concerned.

WandaWonder · 27/07/2023 08:09

Idek · 27/07/2023 08:06

This is so real. Both parents are so unempathetic and uncaring clearly. People are saying it's normal for husbands to travel but it absolutely isn't for men that truly love you and the family that is coming. They find alternative methods of work. The two months leading to childbirth are life-threatening to women. So many actually die. Imagine being at work when they drop dead, completely freaking alone. People underestimate how often this happens. My mom was alone in multiple pregnancies and it's just one other reason I loathe my POS father.

Women sacrifice so much for men by giving birth and lmfao these comments are pathetic - way too many people tolerate rubbish treatment and think it's normal from their SOs and parents.

Sacrifice? women are only martyrs if they choose to be

BadNomad · 27/07/2023 08:09

Can you not go to your daughter's while your DH is at the cinema? If her baby is due in 2 weeks, and the film he wants to see won't be in the cinema anymore by then, then why didn't he go to see it before this?

Abouttimemum · 27/07/2023 08:20

Go to the cinema. And I say this as someone who gave birth at 34 weeks. I wouldn’t expect my parents to put their life on hold for a month ‘just in case’.

Dotcheck · 27/07/2023 08:22

It is two weeks away.
You agreed to be on call- what did you think that meant?

why can’t you go to a closer cinema?
Why can’t your husband go on his own? Is he normally selfish like this?

The sticking point for me here is that you agreed to something, decided you don’t like the terms, so you’re now backing out.
‘On call’ doesn’t just mean a dash to the hospital, surely it means emotional support too?

Abouttimemum · 27/07/2023 08:23

Oh hold on - second week of august is less than two weeks?? Not a month!

Saschka · 27/07/2023 08:27

People are saying it's normal for husbands to travel but it absolutely isn't for men that truly love you and the family that is coming. They find alternative methods of work. The two months leading to childbirth are life-threatening to women. So many actually die. Imagine being at work when they drop dead, completely freaking alone. People underestimate how often this happens.

Would you like to put a figure on how many pregnant women in the UK, who have engaged with antenatal care, “drop dead” with no warning at 7 months pregnant while their husbands are at work? I will give you a clue, it is vanishingly rare.

BendingSpoons · 27/07/2023 08:28

Go to the cinema. I was still travelling at hour to work at that point in my pregnancy. DH was travelling an hour to work until I gave birth.

She can make a plan B to help her feel less anxious e.g. taxi, friend etc. She's highly unlikely to need it.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 27/07/2023 08:30

Given your update about her actual due date, I think your DH is being really unreasonable. I completely understand why she’s so anxious.

I wouldn’t go. You’ve agreed to be on call for your daughter. Films can be seen anytime, anywhere.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 27/07/2023 08:33

Saschka · 27/07/2023 08:27

People are saying it's normal for husbands to travel but it absolutely isn't for men that truly love you and the family that is coming. They find alternative methods of work. The two months leading to childbirth are life-threatening to women. So many actually die. Imagine being at work when they drop dead, completely freaking alone. People underestimate how often this happens.

Would you like to put a figure on how many pregnant women in the UK, who have engaged with antenatal care, “drop dead” with no warning at 7 months pregnant while their husbands are at work? I will give you a clue, it is vanishingly rare.

Setting aside the risk of dropping dead, the OP’s daughter isn’t 7 months - she’s due in the second week of August so is presumably over 38 weeks.

UndercoverCop · 27/07/2023 08:35

The compromise here is to go to a closer cinema
Tbh I was still travelling for work in the UK at this stage but, I got back from a city 5 hours away on the Friday, was due to go to Wales on the Monday but I was in labour by then at 36 weeks. I was in labour for 3 days though so no rush.

Can she talk to her neighbours for any real emergencies? Assuming you don't live next door it would always take time to get to her

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 27/07/2023 08:37

mrspointi · 26/07/2023 08:40

Sorry, due 2nd week of august which in my head is pretty much a month away!

I can’t believe you let this issue arise without thinking properly about when she’s due.

There’s an enormous difference between her due date being in 10 days and her due date being 4 weeks.

UndercoverCop · 27/07/2023 08:37

@Saschka is normal for women to travel for work in the last two months! I travelled to 4 different UK cities for work in that time and had to stay Monday to Friday
Fatalities in childbirth in this country are incredibly rare, there will be pregnant women reading this stop scaremongering

Saschka · 27/07/2023 08:38

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 27/07/2023 08:33

Setting aside the risk of dropping dead, the OP’s daughter isn’t 7 months - she’s due in the second week of August so is presumably over 38 weeks.

Show quote history

I know, and I think OP is underplaying the risk of labour.

But I’m responding to the ridiculous suggestion above that men should give up work when their wives are pregnant, due to the risk of sudden death.

Potentialmadcatlady · 27/07/2023 08:39

My first came three weeks early.. while my (now ex) husband was away for work.. he ( eventually) got there just in time… the cinema can wait just for once.. it’s so easy for men to not stress about these things….

Saschka · 27/07/2023 08:40

UndercoverCop · 27/07/2023 08:37

@Saschka is normal for women to travel for work in the last two months! I travelled to 4 different UK cities for work in that time and had to stay Monday to Friday
Fatalities in childbirth in this country are incredibly rare, there will be pregnant women reading this stop scaremongering

You are agreeing with me then? I was replying to @Idek , who claiming it was common.