stuck between daughter and husband

[mrspointi]

My daughter is due to give birth in 4 ish weeks. Her fiancé is currently away and is returning days before the due date. Our daughter has asked us to be on call for her while he is away. This weekend dh wants to go to a cinema showing 45 minutes away on Saturday night. My daughter is very upset about this and says the cinema he’s chosen (old style one) is in the opposite direction to the hospital which is already 40 minutes away from her home, and so if she needed us it would be an hour and a half at least before she got to the hospital. I have tried to reassure her that even if she went into labour she probably wouldn’t need to go in straight away especially as it’s her first baby. I’ve also told her she’s more likely to go over the due date than have the baby early. DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager and in her thirties she could call an ambulance if things were desperate. I’ve suggested to DH we go to the cinema after the birth but then the film he wants to see won’t be on. I know our daughter is being very over the top but I also understand the stress she is under and wonder if we should just accept it for now given how close it is to the birth. If I say that though, DH just despairs and will think we are giving in to silly demands. Would you just stick to the plans and go out as it’s only a few hours?

Some of the responses on this thread!
Irrespective of whether anyone else thinks OP is being demanding or ridiculous or any of the other things being bandied about, the OP is renegading on what she agreed with her DD. For that, she is being unreasonable.
OP… you’re being flaky. Don’t back down from an agreement then come and moan about the person you’re letting down.

They agreed to be on call not to not stray further than a set distance. What about work or other commitments? Are they never supposed to leave the house for the next two weeks?

the OP is renegading on what she agreed with her DD. For that, she is being unreasonable

I don’t think that’s correct. Being ‘on call’ does not mean being 2mins away for the entire time. It’s a risk based assessment using logic. I would class going to a movie 45mins away with someone weeks out from their first baby, as ‘being on call’. I would think going on a weeks holiday to Corfu as reneging on what was agreed on.

What is the actual due date? "Second week of August" could be anything from 7th August onwards, and 7th August is only 12 days away.

So my husband didn't truly love me because he continued to work in the job he was contracted to do (a teacher) until I went into labour?
So men who truly love you let themselves get sacked from/give up their job their job so they can hover around you needlessly for two months so that your finances collapse, just in case you die?

Good grief. Also I'd be interested to see these stats on ante natal deaths in the final two months..I've never heard of one..

Surely there's a sensible compromise for your DD's peace of mind? If the film is on somewhere closer to you, go and see it there. Your DH can go to the old-style cinema another time.

She isn't asking them to put their lives on hold for a month. By Saturday, she will be somewhere between one and two weeks away from her due date.

Yes I saw that and replied underneath

The two months leading to childbirth are life-threatening to women. So many actually die. Imagine being at work when they drop dead, completely freaking alone. People underestimate how often this happens.

Fucking hell.

Cinema aside, how far from your house is she saying is acceptable? It could be weeks more, are you not allowed to go to the shop if it's in the opposite direction to her house?

I get her concern, my DH can't drive due to a medical condition so if I'd ever needed to get into hospital during pregnancy and couldn't drive myself he was no use. But I think she's being unreasonable.

Why is her partner away?

She isn't asking them to put their lives on hold for a month. By Saturday, she will be somewhere between one and two weeks away from her due date

But for a first baby, a cinema outing 45mins away, even at 1-2 weeks is fine. I would have gone myself as an expectant mother at that point. 3 days before I gave birth to my first I did go to a cinema that was 30min away from home, in the opposite direction to the hospital which was 1hr away in dead of night with zero traffic, or closer to 2hrs away in full peak hour. Sure, something can always go wrong, but stats frequencies say you would have more chance of dying in a car accident on a short drive to the hospital, than having an incident where you would get the same outcome by delay to get to hospital especially with a first baby. On that basis the movie was a no brainer to me, esp as not sure when we’d next get the opportunity! Turned out to be a long movie, went for about 3hrs and was more about being uncomfortable sitting in same spot for that amount of time than distance from hospital. No way is it reasonable to expect anyone else not to go in the situation OP describes, it’s still ‘being on call’.

Be there for her, you are her mother. The 2nd week in August is only 2 weeks away, she is not being unreasonable at all to be anxious at having no one there. I would never be going to the cinema if it was my daughter in this position.

The two months leading to childbirth are life-threatening to women. So many actually die. Imagine being at work when they drop dead, completely freaking alone. People underestimate how often this happens.

*wtf. So now, being on call involves sitting directly with her for 2 months. That’s ridiculous, along with most of what you have written. Please provide stats on all these women dropping dead prior to birth, based on a first world health system where people are reviewed and monitored even at the most basic level at intervals during pregnancy.

4 weeks before due date is very unlikely something that urgent will happen- if anything extremely urgent she’d need ambulance anyway.

Two weeks before or after the due date is actually 'on time'.
It could very easily be then.

You aren't talking about her being 'early'.

Is there no other cinema? How far is the cinema from her? 40mins?

The two months leading to childbirth are life-threatening to women. So many actually die. Imagine being at work when they drop dead, completely freaking alone. People underestimate how often this happens.

"So many"

In the UK in 2019-2021, 239 women died during pregnancy or up to 6 weeks after. The leading cause was covid. I don't have the split as to how many were 7-9 months pregnant. For context, in 2021 alone there were just under 700,000 births so let's say around 2 million births during the 2019-2021 time period.

Obviously even one mother dying is horrific, but let's not terrify people into thinking women 7+ months pregnant are just "dropping dead" with no warning all the time.

You cannot sit at home doing nothing waiting for her to go into labour.

What about shopping in a supermarket?
I rarely have signal and so if she tried to call you you wouldn’t get it until you’ve left anyway.

I do understand her anxiety but it’s up to her to have a back up plan like numbers of local taxis, money for the taxi and hospital bag with an extra power bank.

Is there a cinema closer to hers/the hospital?
If so I’d go to that one but if not I’d go as planned and just put your phone on silent.

Would you go to work though, other commitments,run errands?

She's due in a couple of weeks or so, so I wouldn't got to the cinema. Are you even interested in seeing the film that DH wants to? Also, is there a closer cinema showing the film?
Your daughter may be a little dramatic but it's her first baby and she doesn't have her fiancé close by right now, so of course she's feeling anxious and worried!
If your husband wants to see the film, he can go with a mate, on his own, or to a closer cinema. He's not being very understanding is he?!

Also the vast majority of those would have been in or shortly after childbirth.

Unfortunately not even the Office for National Statistics has stats on antenatal deaths. They bung them in with deaths within six weeks of childbirth.
Interestingly (and sadly) it turns it that 40% of perinatal deaths are due to mental health issues. (Yes, I went down a Google rabbit hole after reading that mad post).

Definitely go to the cinema. Being on call doesn’t mean you have to feel like you are in a prison and can’t leave the house.

If it was that important or urgent, her DH should have not gone away. She should consider herself very lucky that she has family nearby to help.

Also, if that’s urgent, she could get a taxi. She can be organised by making a note of different taxi companies to call.

I would imagine some of these deaths were not just because of covid itself, but also the totally crap and neglectful NHS care during the pandemic.

It's her first pregnancy, she isn't due yet and she is just scared and hormonal.

Go to the cinema. Live your life and remind her that everything will be fine.

Don't tell her when you go out. She will just panic. She IS being unreasonable but its understandable when she is afraid.

^^This

Of course, totally different.