stuck between daughter and husband

[mrspointi]

My daughter is due to give birth in 4 ish weeks. Her fiancé is currently away and is returning days before the due date. Our daughter has asked us to be on call for her while he is away. This weekend dh wants to go to a cinema showing 45 minutes away on Saturday night. My daughter is very upset about this and says the cinema he’s chosen (old style one) is in the opposite direction to the hospital which is already 40 minutes away from her home, and so if she needed us it would be an hour and a half at least before she got to the hospital. I have tried to reassure her that even if she went into labour she probably wouldn’t need to go in straight away especially as it’s her first baby. I’ve also told her she’s more likely to go over the due date than have the baby early. DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager and in her thirties she could call an ambulance if things were desperate. I’ve suggested to DH we go to the cinema after the birth but then the film he wants to see won’t be on. I know our daughter is being very over the top but I also understand the stress she is under and wonder if we should just accept it for now given how close it is to the birth. If I say that though, DH just despairs and will think we are giving in to silly demands. Would you just stick to the plans and go out as it’s only a few hours?

First I don't have a daughter who is almost due. Lucky u!

DH has lost his cool with her and thinks she’s not a teenager

Ideally your DH wouldn't lose his cool with her. Rather calmly explain what his perspective is on this situation.She is a grown up about to give birth to her first child.
This in my opinion is about your relationship with her and how u show up for her. if she is used to making requests (demands?) like this then she's just behaving how she usually does I assume.
It seems perfectly safe for you to go to the cinema under the circumstances (I am a mother of 3) but if she is anxious , she may not think so.
Perhaps if u do decide to go to the cinema, she has a friend who is nearby that she feels she could call incase anything happens? That might leave her with a safer feeling?

The more snarky part of me also wants to say that your husband isn't a teenager any more, and that surely the days of prioritising a movie at the cinema over a request from his daughter are behind him...

Worst case scenario she can get a taxi surely. But tbf also, sometimes first babies can arrive both early and quickly!!

Bloody hell, some people's partners work further away than that . It's unlikely to happen when you are at the cinema. It's even more unlikely that you won't have time to get to her long before she needs the hospital

Taking your partner out of the equation. If this same scenario were you going with a friend and your daughter asked you not to. Would you still go?
I think your daughter is being unreasonable but she is pregnant and scared and I really wouldn’t choose a film over her if it was me. As that’s how she will be viewing it right now. I’d stay home but I would also tell her she’s being a tad dramatic and try and have a laugh about it! Let us know what you decide!

Cinema is hardly critical and given she is only 2 weeks away and presumably has no one else I would find a closer cinema. It is a bit precious to insist on a particular cinema so I think your husband is being a bit of a pain.

Fuck me op, it's weeks away and she's very likely to go past her due date.

Unless there have been complications in pregnancy, and she has been told that her birth is likely to be an emergency then 90 minutes is plenty of time to get to hospital for a first baby.

What would she do if you were at work or at the doctors or supermarket? Has she got you on house arrest?

Go to the cinema. Don't tell her you're going, and switch your phone to mute. You're going to have your hands full in the next few weeks/nonths/years....

Don't tell her you're going

Someone else suggested not telling her. I think this isn't the way to build trust in a relationship. Make your decision and stay frank about it I say

Your daughter is being ridiculous but I've put YANBU just because she's probably very scared if this is her first baby... so of course as her mother you want to help her be calm by guaranteeing you will be available for her. I think your husbands reaction is also ridiculous tbh. He's right that she is basically worrying about nothing but to get angry with your frightened pregnant daughter is pretty shit. Doesnt matter if she's 30 she's never given birth before and is very anxious.
Why does your husband absolutely need your company to go see this film? Can he not go by himself so you can be on call to reassure your daughter? Of course you won't really need to drive her to the hospital as you are right she's much more likely to be overdue... but it would be kind of you to placate her. I dont agree with other posters that her anxiety will magically dissappear if you ignore it. She clearly needs your support and to feel like someone is there for her. She probably needs that more than your husband needs company to see this film in the cinema.

Is your DH your daughters father?

I'm 40 weeks pregnant and my mum will be looking after my toddler during childbirth. She went to a wedding last weekend which was fine - I just had neighbours that I'm friends with on standby - does she have anything like this, or close friends near? I really wouldn't have said anything about my mum's plan unless she, e.g. told me right at the last minute she was going on holiday or something.

I recently had my first baby and she came early, and whilst I had a fast labour (going from 1cm to 10cm and pushing in two hours!) I was in early labour for about 24 hours so had plenty of notice about what was happening.

I would tell her you're staying at home but go to the cinema. If she needs anything in a real emergency, she should call an ambulance in any event as they can treat at the scene/while in transit. I know ambulance times are long at the moment but they can send out midwives etc if none available!

Good grief. Where I live many pregnant women's partners commute into London. If your DD was one of them, would she prevent her husband vein going to work?

When I was pregnant were had no family within 100 miles. My DH worked half an hour in the opposite direction from the hospital, and if he got the call it would probably take a while for him to hand over and leave. So the hospital journey would take as long as yours from the cinema It never occurred to me to have back up or to say he couldn't go to work.

Had I had parents nearby I certainly wouldn't have expected them to have no life for weeks. Your DD is being ridiculous and your husband is being entirely reasonable.

I think if you truly want to be her birth partner you need to make some sacrifices. A quick birth up to 4 weeks early is actually quite common for mothers in their 30s - as medical professionals are much more likely to intervene. In your position I’d watch the movie after the birth.

My mum gave birth three/four weeks early with each of us and had two-hour labours... It is possible!!! But v unlikely I think

Great for you, but OP has been asked by her dd to be her birth partner (and she has accepted). So going to a cinema nearly 2 hours away from the hospital isn’t the most sensible thing to do.

I did too. 2 hour births. Meconium in the waters so the baby wasn’t even allowed visitors who weren’t already in the labour ward with me.

It's still 2 weeks away! Are you meant to be hermits for a fortnight? No, you are not.

It's not prioritising a movie over his daughter, it's not wanting to stop living a normal life while your daughter has unrealistic expectations of what you should or shouldn't do.

She is being ridiculous and one day you’ll probably laugh about it. But I would send my husband to the film with a friend and do as she asks because first babies are stressful and you’re her Mum.

You are very, very unreasonable to lie about your daughter’s due date and claim it’s 4 weeks away when it’s actually the second week of August. So by the weekend she will be around 1.5 weeks out. With her fiancé gone, she is perfectly reasonable to want you to be available if needed.

Your husband is acting like a teenager, stropping over wanting to go to a movie. Presumably this isn’t his daughter. If she was I would hope he would have a shred of parental concern in him somewhere.

My partner was away. My parents only just made it to my house to deliver my first born in the living room! Cinema can wait, your daughter needs your support.

I imagine your daughter is feeling vulnerable without her partner around. If she was one of mine, who are similar ages, I'd stay around to support her if that's what helped her feel more comfortable.

This is ridiculous. Don't pander to her or she'll be making unreasonable demands for years to come. She's the one having the child and it's up to her to plan accordingly. I know women who have driven themselves to hospital. Didn't the PM of New Zealand ride her bike to hospital while in labour? Surely your daughter can phone a taxi if the thousand-to-one chance happens that she is about to deliver while you're off at cinema.

Nip it in the bud.

That is not a month. It's two weeks. I was admitted 3 weeks early and had an emergency red button c section with my first born. I can totally see why your daughter is panicking now. If your husband won't give in have a back up plan for someone to take her because if something did happen you'd feel like absolute garbage.