To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

[themummylife]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

It’s not nice at all but I’ve got all girls and get similar comments, mostly extreme sympathy for my husband. Poor, poor DH with his happy healthy children he absolutely loves to pieces!

I’m sure it’s the same for you, but it is crap to feel judged. Just enjoy your lovely kids and practice a line or two for the miserable idiots who want to validate something about their own lives by being rude about yours.

She’s a twat. Sons are awesome. Maybe she was projecting.

Urgh I find it so weird that people feel the need to share these opinions. I have two girls and people are convinced my husband needs a male heir, why would he like having girls? He is missing out on macho alpha male bonding time.

I just learnt to smile and roll my eyes.

Regardless some people are just rude and dense. But yabu to think a toddler thought that deep about it... He's 2..
Ime you have saved yourself the dealings of dd's hormones and mess!!
When we got a dpuppy dh begged for a male one as he said there was enough females already!

Please don't let the silly auld bat upset you! She should have kept her stupid opinions to herself - you family is none of her business.

I get it - I'd two girls first, then 3rd was a boy - have heard so goddamn many of those comments!! If I'd a fiver for each one, I'd be wealthy!!

Ignore her and enjoy your little boys! Your DS (2) won't have a clue about what she was rabbiting on about.

I’m on of 3 girls and I know my dad got similar comments about not having a son. I’m sorry you’ve had the same, it’s as if people think children are like a set you need to collect.

I know he wouldn’t have thought deep into it, it’s just the fact that she felt okay saying that with him there. It’s fine when he’s 2, but when he gets older if people are still comfortable saying that sort of stuff in front of him I do worry if he’ll think into it more

I have 'one of each' and expecting a third. The amount of people who have told me 'it doesn't matter then' about the sex of this baby, as though I would definitely be wanting the opposite if I had two the same already. Kids are not collectibles - they are people. I don't really understand this sort of attitude (that woman)... it's insulting and somehow reduces all of us to just our sex.

That old sourpuss probably wondered why you weren't indoors in a pinny, clearing out the fire grate, cleaning the house by hand, steaming a home made steak and kidney pudding for your DH whose slippers you would warm by the fire once you'd got it gleaming.

I got the same twatty comments after having my 3rd dd, my husband is a proper girl dad tho so they were brushed off, some people are just batshit rude

OP - ignore ignore ignore - I have two teen boys and am pretty close to them I think . I want them to grow up and have their own lives - that’s part of raising children to make independent adults . No idea about that silly saying - time will tell . Don’t spoil what you have now because of what May or may not happen in the future just because of a strangers comments

Thank you for the replies so far everyone. I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable. I’ve had similar comments from my DM, she was a bit upset that I won’t have a daughter as I wouldn’t experience the love she has for me😳. As if I don’t love my boys just as much as I would a girl. I did have to remind her that for a big chunk of my life we couldn’t stand each other!.

Her grandma comment makes no sense, she doesn't know that your son's won't go on to have a girl.
What a horrible woman, I understand why you are upset as she was nasty and rude. Try not to let it bother you.

Silly bitch....not you!!

I think it was her DDs daughter. So she’s the ‘default’ grandparent and her SILs mother isn’t. I could be wrong though!.

First son born 1975. Second one in 78. Some people sympathised at a second boy. But if I had had a choice, I would have chosen a son both times. I would have loved my children whatever they were, but I relate better to boys than girls for some reason.
Now they are in their 40s and we're so proud of them both. And our older one has two wonderful children, one girl, one boy. Grandchildren are grandchildren, whether from a son or a daughter.
Ignore silly comments, OP, and enjoy your boys as I did and still do.

Oh don't worry about it OP! I had a few comments like this when my two DS's were that age. You just have to let it bounce off.

Your DH is right, just forget it. No point letting this woman upset you.

I don’t understand why people think like this woman. When I look around me at the adults I know it’s pretty equal how many men/women are close to their birth families. It doesn’t ring true in real life. Infact I think I know more women who hate their mothers than men. In the modern world it’s more about personalities rather than gender. Ignore her. I bet if you had one of each she would have been saying it’s a shame that they don’t have a child of the same gender to play with. Some people are just idiots.

Now you know it happens, equip yourself with some comments;

That’s something we will have to disagree on
I love my children for who they are, and don’t need to discuss it, thank you
That’s not an opinion I need to hear in front of the wonderful children I do have, so let’s change the subject
Goodness, what a very outdated view
Oh, Wow! Glad you enjoy being a grandma but I can assure you that nothing could make me happier than being mum to my fabulous boys
Interesting that you feel like that, it does sound very stereotyped

Sound calm and strong

And whatever happens do not let your feelings be undermined by people who have views you do not respect. Valuable example for your D.C.

Rude!
I would have said “aren’t you sad no one to carry on your family name”

fyi I’m a mum of girls.

I’ve had a few comments like that, and I’m afraid I am petty enough to say “oh no, boys are definitely much better!” And go on to list all the reasons why boys are the best.

I don’t actually have any kind of gender preference in reality, but if they are going to be rude about my kid, I am going to be rude back.

What an insensitive and stupid thing of that woman to say. And I hate, hate, hate that 'a son is a son until he finds a wife' bullshit. It's not the 1880s, men shouldn't need a female partner to be their mum and there's absolutely no telling how close a child will remain to their mum by their gender.

We have one of each and while I was pregnant with dd (dc2), a work colleague asked if I would be having any more, when I said no, two was our limit, she said 'but what if it's another boy?!'. I would have been perfectly happy with two boys, it's nobody else's business! And for what it's worth, of my two, ds is the one that is more affectionate and openly loving towards me. He's nearly 16 and will often come and hug me or kiss me (on the top of the head, because he now towers over me). Dd is lovely and very sweet but she's far more independent than ds was at her age and nowhere near as overtly affectionate

How rude!

It’s a very old fashioned way to think and you never know how things will turn out.

My brother lives round the corner from my parents and they spend loads of time with his DC. Both my sister and I ended up moving away so our DC see less of their GP.

I have one of each but often think how lovely it would be to have two of one sex as I think they often have a closer relationship.

And finally, I am loving my son’s teenagehood… finding it a little more straightforward and fun than the female experience but that could just be my kids.

just enjoy and ignore the unsolicited rude comments…

I remember meeting my now husbands grandad and the first thing he said to me was “are those child bearing hips” and “you better give me a grandson to carry on the family name, it’s dying out, everyone is having girls!” I laughed politely, nervously and said “Well, A. The sex of the baby isn’t my decision and B. many girls keep their surnames for life nowadays so don’t worry your pretty head. ;)
People LOVE to pass comment on everything don’t they, just rise above and if you feel the need to comment I would only say “I was blessed with exactly what my heart wanted, we are very fortunate. Thank you” and then let it drop.