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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

203 replies

themummylife · 19/07/2023 17:15

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 19/07/2023 19:24

She's over involved in her GC life. At least with her train of thought you're less likely to get lumbered with childcare when you're older.
Statistically, your DH is less likely to leave you having only DS. I'd have told her that too!

TheCosyRain · 19/07/2023 19:25

Don’t let yourself be upset by this random strangers nonsense comments. Why do you care what she thinks? Boys are equally lovely as girls and you are absolutely blessed.

Enko · 19/07/2023 19:26

My mil was wonderful and I had a much closer relationship to her than to my mother. In our case mil got another daughter when her son took a wife. The bond with boys is just as strong as that with girls if you want it to be and put in the effort.

I have 3 girls and a boy the girls even now in their 20s says their brother is a mummy's boy at 21 he still doesn't care and I love it (love my girls too)

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 19/07/2023 19:27

The bloody "a daughter is a daughter for life poem" has been said to me many times. Best response I've found is just to say "I'm not sure that's true, I think its only the case for terrible parents who don't Foster a proper relationship with their sons."

Also I've got three kids, they're all very different because they have different personalities not because they have different genitles.

GreenWheat · 19/07/2023 19:27

It's "goodness me, what a terribly outdated view" every time. She was a stupid old cow.

Enko · 19/07/2023 19:27

Sorry I meant to say the "real" grandma in our family was Paternal grandma. My mum was not really interested in my kids. I'm Thankful mil was

Marydale · 19/07/2023 19:27

When my sons were young I encountered a woman with similar ignorant views. Nowadays I walk past her, proudly holding my DGC’s hands.
Forget her, OP.

Wahwahwahwahwah · 19/07/2023 19:28

@TheNameIsDickDarlington if you don't mind I'm going to steal that response. It's a horrible poem and it really upsets me when people say it.

Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 19:28

ModestMoon · 19/07/2023 19:23

She's a horrible person, and also a pretty stupid one. The bit about not being a real grandmother in particular is total offensive nonsense. My DS has no default grandmothers, he's fortunate enough that both of his want to see him once a week and love the bones of him. We would never dream of favouring one over the other. It reinforces outdated stereotypes - that I am more DS's parent than DP because I am a woman. Total bullshit. He is both of our child equally, as he would have been if he were a girl.

Luckily no one has been stupid enough to imply to me that I should want a girl, but I have had a few tactless "DS would love a sister...." directed my way. Yeah? Well he'd love a pony too, he's not getting either.

Its also incredibly inappropriate to say that in front of your two year old. I don't know exactly how old he is, but at 2.5 and up, if listening, my son would have understood the comment about girls being better. I would be furious at people implying that in front of him.

I agree with you. I think by preferring girls as it means you’ll be closer with your grandchildren, they’ll stay around as you get older etc it hinders women. Regardless of their genitals children should be allowed to live whatever life they want to. That could mean a daughter moving halfway across the world to be near her DH’s family and her parents having barely any time with their grandchildren. Or it could be a son living at home with you for the rest of your life. I don’t like the idea of having a child’s life planned out for them based on their sex.

Thankfully, I think DS1 was too engrossed in playing to really take in what the woman said, but if he had been listening to her then he would’ve understood and that infuriates me.

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 19/07/2023 19:29

With you OP! I've had the same.

I also hate the delight people have when someone has one of each - "pigeon pair", "million dollar family".

I wanted a girl tbh, but glad I have two boys,they fight but they also play so well.

If someone said that to me now I would massively call them out for being sexist and old fashioned.

mangochops · 19/07/2023 19:29

Echobelly · 19/07/2023 17:35

What an insensitive and stupid thing of that woman to say. And I hate, hate, hate that 'a son is a son until he finds a wife' bullshit. It's not the 1880s, men shouldn't need a female partner to be their mum and there's absolutely no telling how close a child will remain to their mum by their gender.

I agree- ignore her OP. This saying is BS and misogynistic anyway, as if a wife should act as a "mummy" to her husband as well as being a wife- ew, gross.

I have two boys and we are extremely close. If I'd got a girl I'd have been happy too but I got two amazing, lovely caring boys and I am so happy I have them.

Ignore that stupid woman, in my experience, its usually the unhappy people who spout this crap. Truly content people dont feel the need to bring others down like that, also make me wonder if theres an element of jealousy there in her head that she doesnt have a son/grandson etc

Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 19:30

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 19/07/2023 19:27

The bloody "a daughter is a daughter for life poem" has been said to me many times. Best response I've found is just to say "I'm not sure that's true, I think its only the case for terrible parents who don't Foster a proper relationship with their sons."

Also I've got three kids, they're all very different because they have different personalities not because they have different genitles.

I’m going to steal that!. It’s so true. I think that little phrase is a self fulfilling prophecy, if you’re the sort of person who truly believes that then you won’t make the effort to have a good relationship with your adult son.

OP posts:
Qbish · 19/07/2023 19:32

Try only having one child. You'd be even more judged.

ModestMoon · 19/07/2023 19:33

You could also try "what happens if a daughter gets a wife, does she suddenly drop out of my life as well?"

Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 19:34

Qbish · 19/07/2023 19:32

Try only having one child. You'd be even more judged.

Why people can’t just mind their own business is beyond me!.

I’m my mums only child, all my life she’s have people say she needed to have another so I’d have a friend. Then my dad remarried and had 2 girls and he’s get the comments about having girls. It’s so absurd.

OP posts:
Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 19:36

ModestMoon · 19/07/2023 19:33

You could also try "what happens if a daughter gets a wife, does she suddenly drop out of my life as well?"

I like that one too!. What if a son has a husband? Does the Earth implode?. The phrase just doesn’t make sense.

OP posts:
BlowMyBubbles · 19/07/2023 19:37

I've 2 boys, had the comments. I've just started saying 'at least they won't come home pregnant' - maybe not the best response, but we unfortunately do get a lot of comments about ds1 being disabled and 'at least ds2 is normal'. Haven't found a response for that yet that doesn't include swear words.

bakewellbride · 19/07/2023 19:40

I think it's a generation thing. There is a grandma at the school gates who always says similar to me. She said today that I'm lucky to have dd (I have one of each) as when ds is older he "won't be close to me". Dh adores his mum so what a load of crap quite frankly! My mum is toxic so I've had no contact for a decade. The whole thing that sex determines an adult child / patent relationship is crazy imo.

elliejjtiny · 19/07/2023 19:43

I've got 5 boys so I get these comments all the time. I wanted ds1 to be a girl because I was young and bit naive about the similarities/differences between parenting girls and boys. And also dh and I had a girl's name we agreed on and not a boy's name! But we managed to find a boy's name we both liked (eventually) and within a couple of weeks I was really excited about having a little boy and ignoring the voices of doom from everyone who knew he was a boy saying that I wouldn't be allowed to watch casualty any more because dh and our son would be watching the football.

Now my eldest is 17 and I love having boys. By the time I had my 3rd I used to dress him in purple because it was my favourite colour and I decided I didn't care of it was a "girl" colour. Dh is still the only one in our family who watches the football. When my youngest was born I wanted him to be a boy because I knew that a girl would be treated like the second coming by certain family members and be strongly encouraged to conform to gender stereotypes.

I hate it when people comment about my boys like that. I love them all and my family is happily complete. I'm so lucky to have them when so many people struggle to have children. But even now that I'm 41 and my youngest is 9 so you would think that it's obvious I'm not having any more people still ask if I'm going to "try again for a girl" as if my boys aren't quite good enough.

StaunchMomma · 19/07/2023 19:45

Women who don't see their son's kids as close to them as their daughter's kids are, frankly, raging twunts!!

Fuck them and their ignorance.

Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 19:48

BlowMyBubbles · 19/07/2023 19:37

I've 2 boys, had the comments. I've just started saying 'at least they won't come home pregnant' - maybe not the best response, but we unfortunately do get a lot of comments about ds1 being disabled and 'at least ds2 is normal'. Haven't found a response for that yet that doesn't include swear words.

That’s truly one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. I think the only response for that includes swear words!.

OP posts:
Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 19:52

@elliejjtiny When my youngest was born I wanted him to be a boy because I knew that a girl would be treated like the second coming by certain family members and be strongly encouraged to conform to gender stereotypes.

This is a worry of mine if I was to have another baby. If I had a girl I’d worry I’d get the comments about ‘finally getting my girl’ and the boys would feel second best.

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 19/07/2023 19:53

@TryingToGrieve I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a little girl shortly after birth and went on to have 2 boys ...fortunately most people wouldn't dream of commenting (though I have had a couple of people say some unkind things - but they were both people with all the grace of a charging bull and no filter). Anyone who knows you will hopefully just be happy you have had another child.

Callmesleepy · 19/07/2023 19:58

@elliejjtiny I was so pleased my third was the same gender for the same reason. I think when you have family members who come out with outdated sexist crap like that it makes you really appreciate that you know you won't be treating your kids differently because of their genders!

I think a lot of these things are self fulfilling prophecies. If you believe your sons won't want to spend time with you as adults and teach them that's normal then yes they will probably act that way.

Hibernatalie · 19/07/2023 20:06

My mum and dad are the go-to grandparents for my brothers’ children. And my sisters’. And mine actually…

Also my sister is very close to her sons who are in their twenties and her oldest son’s girlfriend is part of their family much more than the other way around.

I have a girl and a boy and love them both so much I could burst. No difference.

Basically it’s all just bollocks isn’t it.

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