To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

[themummylife]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

I bloody hate the claim that all women want a girl. Nope very happy with my lovely lad and I do worry that he will stumble across this crap one day and think I wish he was a girl.

MIL had one set of grandchildren two days a week and the another set one day a week from a few months old until school age then she had them after school/in holidays three days a week until they were old enough to not need looking after. MIL only has sons. Neither set of grandchildren were regularly looked after by their mothers mother.

Son's are fantastic, I have 2 in their 30s and have always been Close to them. I am lucky to have a wonderful dil who I love dearly and we get on so well.
Just ignore it, I would get the same comments when mine were small and its rubbish.

It's funny isn't it because I often hear comments like the one from a PP on this thread that the default is to want boys. Boys are prized over girls etc. I'm sure historically this is true but honestly I've only heard comments from people about how daughters are better than sons. But maybe that's just because I HAVE sons. Who knows? But even if you have an opinion on which is best why would you think it's OK to share that with someone who has the other sex? It's horrible.

YANBU

i had two DS and found I was pregnant with a third. The endless comments about 'oooh I hope it's a girl for you this time' drove me bonkers! Especially since I'd had a previous MC and was bleeding heavily wand didn't know if the pregnancy would continue.

DC3 was a girl and now get comments about how 'lovely it must be to have a girl now'. It is lovely, but just like it was lovely to have a boy. I never know how to respond to these comments as they are throw away comments from strangers which I can roll my eyes at but my DS do overhear them and I worry about how they might take it.

I used to work with a guy who was the youngest of 6 boys. He said every time his parents had a baby they asked - is it a girl? But it never was. Wtf would you share that with your son? 🙁

Honestly you’d get similar comments if you had all girls.
we have 3 girls and the comments we’ve had over the years have been nasty.
I’ve been told ‘didn’t you want a boy?’
‘oh having a boy is so special you don’t understand’
‘ blimey I bet you’re annoyed at having girls all the time’

people are just thick as pig shit I wouldn’t worry. It really doesn’t matter whether you raise boys or girls. My MIL has 3 boys and they’re all super close with her, practically attached at the hip!

My mum had 2 girls, me and my DSIS, then I had 2 sons and a daughter, when my first DS was born, she said, "oh how lovely, you will be taken out and treated so well when he grows up, sons are like that with their mums" Now as she only had me and my DSIS I thought about this then realised, she must have been thinking back to the relationship her brothers had with her mum. She later told me that her own DM had a thing for little boy babies! I find that quite sad that she knew that during her childhood her mum preferred sons. To be honest like other PP I didn't worry if I had 4 boys or 4 girls, just healthy happy children children and a positive relationship with them all. (I only had 3 DC which people assumed was because my 3rd was a girl, but my EX decided our family was now complete, so maybe he was waiting for a daughter, I wanted a 4th whatever it would be. Some people have strange perceptions. Now as my DC are all adults, I have an excellent relationship with my DS and their wives and also my DD and her boyfriend, spend a lot of time with all of them so no difference in treatment, (they all have said to me that they know they are my favourite :) )

What a silly rude comment.

Everybody who has two children had a 50-50 chance of them both being the same gender.

Children are children. You're going to love them regardless of gender and you don't need a random person commenting on it.

Worse, what if you really were upset about the gender, how much more hurtful would the comment have been there. What a horrible rude person to say such a thing to a stranger.

It’s so strange to me that people feel the need to make comments on the sex of children. It’s not something most of us get to choose so why make the comment?. I’m sorry you’ve had the same experiences.

That’s the thing isn’t it. I’m happy with two boys, I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I don’t have a girl, but if I did what that lady said would’ve really hurt. Imaging longing for a girl and being told that you’re not actually a real mum because you don’t have one!.

That’s unbelievable.

I've seen men with daughters get similar, it's all nonsense as not every boy wants to play footie with dad & not every girl go shopping with mum. A lot of mums have very complicated relationships with their daughters but that's overlooked!

I have one of each and would still say to her “that’s very rude”

I think some people just come out with any old shit to make conversation without thinking how hurtful or rude it is.

My Dad had 5 DD and he got this all the time about he should have a son, but he said he was quite happy with his girls.

I’ve had similar comments but from my own mother! I have a very low contact relationship with her now, not based on this comment, as unfortunately she’s a very difficult person to deal with. The irony is she actually has a crap relationship with both her daughters! I think people who make comments like this are very simple minded and probably inflict all sorts of gender stereotypes on children. I actually feel sorry for that woman’s daughter tbh. Ignore that ridiculous comment and focus on enjoying your lovely boys, they don’t stay small for long!

I've got a DD and 2 DS's. I'm actually closer to my DS's than my DD. They ring me a couple of times each week and they are always sending me WhatsApp messages and photos. DD only rings once a month and occasional photos and messages.

I don’t understand the ‘not a proper grannie’ thing. My mum became a grandmother for the first time when my brothers first child was born. My MIL has a daughter and a son. Her daughter has no children. I have never considered my MIL ‘not a proper grannie’ to our children.

People don’t half talk nonsense.

Just avoid the MiL threads OP.
As a mother of adult sons I can assure you that not every DiL only let's you visit once a month, relegates you to a person of no importance in their family life, stops you looking after your grandchildren until they're at least ten and thinks everything you do is dangerous, outdated and controlling.
There's a better than good chance your sons, if they marry women, will choose delightful one's who treat you with kindness and respect, as mine did.

Jeez you don’t make it better with sexism and ageism! 🙄

This makes me really angry. I just had my second son and he was stillborn. Already I am dreading the comments from random acquaintances if I am ever lucky enough to get pregnant again. If I have a girl and people start saying how nice it is to have one of each, a little voice in my head is going to say, ‘Yes but I was meant to have two boys.’ One doesn’t always know what people have been through.

So sorry for your loss @TryingToGrieve

I think people make comments no matter what kids you have. I have one of each and it actually really annoys me when people say it’s perfect I have one of each and I must be so happy to have a boy and a girl. No, I’m just happy to have two healthy children. We lost a boy between DS and DD and I would have been thrilled to have two boys, same as I’m thrilled to have a boy and a girl.

Having two boys means they might be into the same things, want to see the same films at the cinema. On a Saturday morning it won’t be the case that you take a girl to their activities and DH takes the boy to football or cricket or whatever. There are lots of positives and by all accounts boys can be more affectionate.

I agree it’s rude and it’s frustrating people feel the need to comment but you and your little family unit are happy and that’s all that matters. Brush off her comments, she must be very sad indeed to feel the need to make such comments to you, particularly after you told her you were happy with your boys.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you don’t have to deal with anyone that insensitive❤️

She's a horrible person, and also a pretty stupid one. The bit about not being a real grandmother in particular is total offensive nonsense. My DS has no default grandmothers, he's fortunate enough that both of his want to see him once a week and love the bones of him. We would never dream of favouring one over the other. It reinforces outdated stereotypes - that I am more DS's parent than DP because I am a woman. Total bullshit. He is both of our child equally, as he would have been if he were a girl.

Luckily no one has been stupid enough to imply to me that I should want a girl, but I have had a few tactless "DS would love a sister...." directed my way. Yeah? Well he'd love a pony too, he's not getting either.

Its also incredibly inappropriate to say that in front of your two year old. I don't know exactly how old he is, but at 2.5 and up, if listening, my son would have understood the comment about girls being better. I would be furious at people implying that in front of him.