To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

[themummylife]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

Good luck! I loved my first boyfriends mum, I was only with him for just under a year when I was 14 but I’m still in touch with his mum😂

I've been told I'm not a real mum because I have boys. Just a sort of 'caretaker' apparently as boys leave the family wheras girls stay part of the family forever so its a longer term relationship.

I've also been told I'll never be a real granny.

It does hurt a bit.

But then i remember how much I loved my paternal grandparents and how my dh is still very much his parents child. so I then think gosh the people that say that stuff are stupid.

She is a silly person.

I have one son too - an adult with a lovely wife and son of his own. We have a great relationship and although I am not the “default granny” owing to geography, I don’t feel excluded in any way.

And I’m proud of the independent young man my son became - I don’t want my child to feel responsible for looking after me. He has his own life.

It’s been more than one old woman. My own mother has had comments. From what I see of my friends and people my age most of them want girls now. I do understand that boys have been favoured for years and still are in many parts of the world, that is wrong too. I’m just annoyed someone would say something so rude to me in front of my children. I’m not asking for your heart to bleed for me.

I have two sisters and one brother. My brother is the closest to my mum out of all us (they're similar personalities) and she does all his childcare. His wife's parents live far away and are occasional grandparents. So it really depends on personality and geography, among other things. He and my mum can chat on and on for hours!

A relative with only daughters often gets asked when they're having another child so they can finally have a boy and he always responds with "oh no, we're not having any more kids. Imagine if it was another girl?! I just can't take that kind of a risk.". Usually shuts people up for a bit but without embarrassing them too much.

Enjoy your two little boys - I have two as well and I just love watching them interact with each other 😍 They're the best! Absolute maniacs, but to be fair so are my nieces.

See it’s people who say that sort of thing that really hurts me. I don’t care about people saying they’re sad because I won’t be able to do pretty hairstyles/paint nails/go shopping with a girl, but to say you’re a caretaker and not a mum or a real granny is so hurtful and rude.

Try not to let it bother you - it's her problem, and I feel sorry for that woman's future grand-offspring, if any of them turn out to be boys. When my mum answered the matron of the ward where she gave birth (to her third girl) what she had had, the matron replied "Oh never mind!". people have weird stupid opinions. Put them out of your mind and keep on enjoying your boys.

For everyone with a preference for girls you'll find someone with a preference for boys and a bunch of other people who really don't mind.
Obviously its horrendously rude to comment, but some random expressing and projecting her love of girls isn't harming your boys in any way. Male people are not seen (and are very far from being treated) as 'lesser' than female people in pretty much every area of life. The opinion of one rude but doting grandmother of a girl won't change that.

You poor thing, OP the other person's comment was idiotic. I am a mum of two sons and no daughters. I've loved having sons. I actually think I would have been less comfortable with daughters. (Or, rather, that if I had had daughters I would have been more comforatable if they were not stereotypically 'feminine').

Every child is different, and brings different joys and different frustrations. Some of those differences may overlap with the sex of the child, some not. Some sons bring the kinds of joy stereotypically associated with daughters; some daughters bring the kinds of joy stereotypically associated with sons. In all these cases you are just as much of a mum. xxx

I get annoyed with the sometimes "smug" comments from those who have one boy, one girl.
" I feel so privileged to have one of each" , i.e. look how clever I am.
No love, they came the same way as every baby does.
Cherish and love them all.

I'm the mum of 2, now adult, boys. No daughters. I have no problems seeing and having fun with my grandchild and have always had a close relationship with my sons. I have absolutely no regrets!

Stupid woman- just ignore. I have three amazing sons and can't say I've had to endure stupid people like this thankfully but I'm sorry that you did.

Closeness when they’re older probably comes more from personalities than gender.

my dds were probably closer to DH’s parents when they were small as they looked after them one day a week when they were little. My parents are a lot younger and we’re still working/raising their younger children and weren’t as involved. They’re probably closer to my parents now, but that because DHs parents have become quite elderly and mine are pretty active still (dads still not retired).

all that matters is you’re happy, just enjoy your children and don’t worry about stupid comments

YADNBU X

Generation thing I suspect. Pros & cons to having both boys & girls but fit some people it is a big thing. In my family boys rule - family name gets carried on, do more interesting things. Girls are there to look pretty and breed.

I have 4 of the same gender and have had the “are you going to try for a <other gender>” question SO many times.

I now fix them with a look and ask if I need to have to have sex differently for a <other gender>. I have done this a few times now and it’s just BRILLIANT to see the look of horror and bewilderment on their faces. I recommend it. They’re being rude so treat like with like.

My lovely friend has just had her third girl and would have loved a boy even though she’s thrilled with her gorgeous daughter. A tactless family member went on and on about it to her the other day which really upset her. Not because she’s disappointed she didn’t have a boy, but because this twat was somehow reducing the importance of her existing children just on the basis of their chromosomes.

I have two boys and get the same kind of comments. I reply by saying I never wanted a daughter and would have been sad if DS2 was a girl.. usually shuts them up 🤣🤣🤣
I do have worries about the future - loosing my role as fond their own partners etc etc but I think realistically that's a worry for any parent regardless of genders!
Kiddies are healthy and that's all matters.. ignore that silly old bugger! X

Ha if you think that's bad OP this happened to me - I have twins. When I was pregnant my bump was (obviously) massive. A random woman stopped me in the street to ask if I was having twins - which is rude anyway, imagine if I wasn't?? I told her yes and she said eagerly, 2 girls? When I said no 2 boys, she said "oh no that's a shame AND THEN RUBBED MY BELLY, SAYING "BE BOYS BE BOYS". What a nutter. It did upset a bit though. Not really sure why.
Also my mother in law bought me pink flowers when I was in hospital after having the boys. Because poor me I was going to surrounded by boy stuff forever more 🙄

My only child is a boy. I'd be happy if that turns out to be true regarding the grandchildren 😂 I became a mum at 18 so I plan to spend my 40s doing all the things I didn't get to do in my 20s. I won't have much time for grandma duties!

Oh wow that is awful!. What is wrong with some people?!.

Thanks 😁

OP YABU to let this clearly very rude woman affect you.

The truth is some people do believe that daughters have a better relationship long term with their mothers than sons do. Some people believe the opposite. People will always hold judgments and opinions that upset you (usually they will be normal enough to keep them to themselves.) All parents are sometimes found lacking in the eyes of judgmental others:

• You don't have a daughter
• You have too many children
• You only have one child
• You have a child with additions needs

Etc etc.

YABU to care about the opinions strangers have on your family.

She's a stupid narrow-minded busybody, OP. Pay her no heed.

I know you’re right. I think people will always have something to comment on, if I did go on to have a daughter I can imagine having comments about giving her a sister etc. I think it was just the shock of someone being so rude, usually it’s just the odd comment about trying for a girl, but this was really upsetting. I will forget about it now though and enjoy my boys.