To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

[themummylife]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

I’m as feminist as they come but I wouldn’t in any way want men to get ‘reminded’ that they aren’t desirable as some sort of comeuppance for what women have gone through for so long. It helps nobody. I also wouldn’t want my 2 year old son, who has done no harm to anyone and will be raised to be a feminist himself, be told he’s not very desirable.

By saying she’s also very right are you not feeding into the misogyny that a woman should stay at home and care for her family?. Because that’s what the phrase is all about.

When I had my two little DSes someone said to me at the doctors "make the most of it boys will never ring you when they are older"

It's ridiculous! My sister is complete my crap and sees my mum once a year if that, and we've male friends who take their mums on holiday.

I was always wonder how these types of mums would react if their daughters only have boys in the future.

I know women who have had girls but only ended up with grandsons and vice versa.

Men have made their bed and no need to get upset if very occassionsly they get reminded they aren't very desirable

I wouldnt call simply being born "being undesirable"- thats actually a revolting attitude.

Old people often have outdated views. About 20 years ago my cousin was regularly told how sad it was that she only had a son and they’d never be able to go shopping together for pretty dresses or makeup. Now he’s a drag queen and they go shopping together all the time 🤷‍♀️

She was being ridiculous and rude, but don't take her comments to heart because she's talking bollocks. Some people are just really weird about this stuff. I used to work with a man who, when his wife was pregnant, said he hoped it would be a boy because then they could be 'mates' and play football together, as if a man can't have that kind of relationship with a daughter. I also have a friend who constantly attributes her kids' rubbish behaviour to them being boys, and also moans that her life would be better if she'd had girls instead, which really annoys me. Who the hell is still believing the 'sugar and spice and all things nice' bullshit in 2023?

You've got two lovely sons and I bet one day they'll have lovely partners too. Don't listen to that mad old bat - you've got years of fun and love ahead of you from your boys!

I’m with you OP. I have boys and have had my fair share of these comments. I generally shrug them off but the only time I really don’t tolerate it is when they’re made within earshot of my boys. I never want them to think that their mother was disappointed to have them. Because I’m not and I never have been.

I’m trying hard to raise emotionally healthy boys who’ll grow up to be kind, tolerant members of society so I won’t accept people freely implying in front of them that I didn’t want them.

I also get comments like ‘two boys, well at least your husband must be happy’ - er, yes he is, but he also would have been delighted with two girls or a boy and a girl.

Well, you have spoken. Your comments are full of misogyny. Stop hating women.

Which phrase is about women staying at home and caring for children? And no, I don't think women should do it, I think it's a man's job more than a woman's. A dad should stay at home and nurture the babies and the partner, if they need someone to stay at home.

What she means is that your son won't be carrying and giving birth to a baby, a strange lady will be doing that. In case of a daughter, it would be her own child doing that.

Either way, she doesn't give a shit about you or your children or what sex they are, she's just making chit chat. If you were out with two girls, she'd have asked if you were going to try for a boy.

Your posts are full of mysogyny. Hardly believable you are raising your son to be a feminist since you have come on here to criticise someone's deserving comment and have defended all the vile misogynistic comments such as calling women stupid, the b word, etc other woman-haters place.

I bet you are one of those "feminists" that will never buy their son dolls or pushchairs (okay, may be just once) and nurturing and caring toys and will shove him into football and other stereotypical "boys" stuff.

You are already teaching him privilege and that the sun shines of his arse. That doesn't help men at all. And the fact remains that men aren't desirable. It's just what it is.

You sound like a narcissistic gaslighter and will probably pass it on to your son.

My comments are not full of misogyny and I don't hate women. I think the woman who upset OP is ridiculous but that doesn't make me a misogynist.

She was rude and totally out of order.

Sadly you don't have to go far on Mumsnet to see there's a lot of women who feel the same, and then we're expected to believe that their outlook wouldn't filter into how they parent their sons Vs their daughters.

You have actually made me laugh out loud how wrong you are. My boys have dolls, a play kitchen, a play hoover. My eldest helps my husband and I clean and cook. But yes I’m teaching him the sun shines out of his arse and I’m a narcissistic gaslighter!.

I’m so sorry you’ve clearly had bad experiences with men. But your judgements are being severely clouded, you’ve assumed thing based on absolutely nothing!.

In one or two short years, or possibly now already, your two year old son will learn that it's "boys and girls", and not "girls and boys", that almost all figures or authority are men, that on forms boys and men are usually listed first, that the father is listed first on BC even though its the mother that produced the child, that the wise owl is always male and the doctor in nursery rhymes and Peppa Pig and where ever else other than in reality is male too.
This will remind him of the privilege the society has afforded him and will undo the old lady's "observant" harmful comments hundredfold.

And I am already raising him to challenged these stereotypes. He has books about successful women in history, he sees his father do his share of the housework and cooking. I care a lot about women’s issues and I am doing my best to raise sons who will check their privilege and advocate for women’s rights as they grow.

I have sons. One still at home but the other one still texts me and meets up with me. He’s coming over this weekend with his gf, I didn’t have to ask, he texted and asked if I’d like to see them. He sends me photos if he goes to a concert or is on holiday etc. He’ll text me for no other reason that to just say hi. I’m a single parent so I really appreciate that I’m not forgotten or pushed to the sidelines.

I think that saying was more true in the past, where keeping in touch with family was seen as “women’s work”, I don’t think it’s as true today. She’s probably just thinking more of her generation, I would ignore it.

I talk to and see my brother a lot and he’s married and I don’t get on well with his wife, so it’s not her arranging or pushing this. My mum will complain he doesn’t talk to her enough and that’s she’s lost him now he’s married and moved away, but I think it’s more clash of personalities. My BIL talks to and sees his mum more than my wife does.

He sounds lovely.

He is. He’s tattooed, he’s long haired, he parties etc but he’s a fantastic son who never forgets I exist. He hugs me when he sees me, texts me, visits me I honestly can’t see how I’d ever get more if I’d had daughters.

Elephants also said my posts are full of misogyny just because I didn't like what that woman said to you about sons 🤷🏻‍♀️. Apparently we're all raving misogynists.

Theyll be fine OP.

Here’s what I’ve noticed about relationships with kids of both sexes.

With daughters, they tend to have (in my purely anecdotal experience) either a very close relationship with their mum, or a very fraught/NC one (I know more in the latter camp).

With sons they tend to fall in between the two - have a nice bond but not living in each other’s pockets, but this actually makes big arguments less likely and so they’re more likely to be in touch.

Of course many shades of variation on all of that. But that’s my take on things. Plus most of the people I know with only sons have lots of granddaughters, and the people I know with only daughters have lots of grandsons! Which is odd!

My DS told me his DWs DM has said she is jealous of my close relationship with my DIL, she has moved many miles from her own DM and they live down the road from me, not because I live here but she wanted to be near London, they have told me in the past, when I have been away with my DIL like when we went to a concert and away for the weekend not to put any photos up on FB as it makes her DM jealous. They also said they know it will be a lot worse when they have DC as they are aware with me living 10 mins away I am more likely to be in their life a lot. But this is more to do with personalities than blood ties though, his DW comes from a remote village and moved to a city when she went to uni (where she met my DS) then she moved in with us after Uni as wanted to work in London, and then when they moved out and got married they live just a 10 min drive from me or a 40 min walk. I stay over at their house at least once every 6 weeks (mainly to dog sit) but I imagine it will be to babysit later. I also work at the same place as my DS. I worked there first and he was unhappy in his job and I mentioned one had come up in a similar area where I work and he jumped at it, and he used to go for lunch with me every day (until we changed to working from home) I have an excellent relationship with his DW and also with her DM but feel sorry for her to be honest as she is a flight away, whereas I can walk to their home. So not all DWs hate their MILs :)

"Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme."

Well, yeah, if that is how someone thinks then that is how they raise their sons. They reap what they sow. My husband is much closer to his mum than his sister is. He sees her weekly, either for a visit or a walk together or he takes her out for dinner and if he's too busy he will call her.

Just raise your sons right without that bullshit.

I have 3 boys and no girls. I (presumably) will never be mother of the bride but that's ok. My boys are wonderful people just for themselves. Second DS is going through puberty at the minute so we have a few "Kevin" moments but he's brilliant still.

I used to work with a man who, when his wife was pregnant, said he hoped it would be a boy because then they could be 'mates' and play football together, as if a man can't have that kind of relationship with a daughter.

Bugger, I'll have to tell my football ambivalent brother that he will have to buy my season ticket off me and sit next to Dad because we have been doing it wrong for the last 30 years.

People have weird opinions and comments all the time you don't have to own them