To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

[themummylife]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

It’s lovely to hear all the stories of boys being close to their parents as they grow up. It goes to show it’s different for everyone.

I’ve got one boy, I honestly think we gel really well. I would have hated the battles I would almost certainly have faced with a girl - cropped tops, leggings, trashy tight frocks and that’s just the clothes. Being a bit of a tomboy, I’m more than happy with a boy and very pleased not to need to feign an interest in makeup

The comments were uncalled for and very insensitive however it's possible that her experience had had made the rhyme seem true. There's usually an element of truth in these things however she's probably thinking back to a generation where women were home makers and didn't really go out to work. The adult daughter probably would spend time with her mum and siblings as they were at home probably a few houses down the street.
I don't think she viewed your sons as lesser than daughters, but I think she probably did feel you might miss out on the wonderful experiences she's having of being a grandparent. You will....because you'll have your own unique relationship with your own children.
As for saying it in front of your child, even if he was older or you explained the poem I'm pretty sure he'd think she was just a silly old bag!

Just ignore her, she’s a twat. I have sons they’re great. Don’t concern yourself with the ramblings of someone you don’t know and will probably never see again.

She’s a rude and stupid cunt. What is the matter with people? Truly.

Unfortunately you encountered a narcissistic, smug c*w who felt she needed to vent. What a load of old bollocks!

I'm typically polite and diplomatic but in your case I think I would have begun my response with "How dare you...".

I have 2 teenage boys and have had comments about how I 'need' a girl. I am more than happy with my boys and have a close relationship with them both so just laugh it off. A friend with all girls said to me "since I have girls I know I'll be looked after when I'm old" and I was like - "Yeah, I'll probably just be eaten by my cats."

But people I know with all girls get things said to them about how they 'need' a boy too, so it seems to go both ways. Though I do think as the women you get more comments about how you must want a girl, my husband only ever gets positive remarks about having sons.

I think you’re right about women getting comments if they have all boys and it seems like dads get the same if they have all girls.

Sounds bizarrely sexist. Why would a boy be any different as a girl, unless you were bringing them up in line with particular gender constructs?

It was insensitive and ignorant of her, though probably well-intentioned.

It definitely works the other way. I have 2 DDs (adopted, now aged 14 and 11). I used to have people come to me asking, ‘Doesn’t your DH want a DS to play trains with?’ (He’s a train enthusiast.)

Well no. My DH has always been entirely satisfied with our 2 DDs. He has 6 nephews anyway, who he has very good relationships with.

And there would have been no guarantee a DS would be interested in trains anyway. Or for that matter that our DDs wouldn’t be. (They did enjoy steam train rides when they were younger, but they’re not interested now.)

A lot of it is gender stereotyping, I think. Whereas in fact children are individuals with their own talents and interests.

People are just really odd ignore them, this is what I’ve found

one DC - when you having another, only child, lonely child
one of each, pigeon pair, gentleman’s family, well done why would you ever want three, that must be a mistake (if you happen to have a third)
two of the same sex - are you going to keep trying until you get a (opposite sex)

i have 3 girls and a boy so you can imagine the comments. the best ones from my mother who told me you are not a real woman until you have a son, all men want a son and DH might leave me if I can’t give him a son. Toxic woman didn’t bother with my DDs much and I was NC by the time DS came along.

I mean, what kind of person chooses how happy they're going to be with their family on the basis of some stupid old misogynistic rhyme? Someone very simple minded.

I know plenty of women who cant stand their mothers and plenty of men who adore their mums so its hardly accurate either! Ignore her. I agree with PP that things like this are usually a "tell" that the person has an insecurity or unhappiness within them because people happy with their lives dont feel the need to say such things to others. This is 100% her issue, not yours x

So rude and unnecessary. You have two healthy kids, what else matters. Nothing in their life or yours or your relationship needs to be dictated by their sex.

She's right, tactless, but right. My son is amazing and his dc and I have an amazing relationship but her mum is there first. My daughter tries hard to include her MiL but it's me she wants.

@Tontostitis not necessarily.
My husband and his sister have the same relationship with their parents and I am close to my in laws.
My daughter is very close to both sets of grandparents. There's no difference in their relationships.
My parents and in laws often meet up with or without the grandparents.

My dad is closer to his parents than his sister. He is the one that looks after them and does most things for him.
His sister doesn't do anything.

It's all down to the individuals not their sex!

*with or without the grandchildren

It's okay - men have enough privileges.
She's also very right but nothing you can do about it, nobody should be having children just to get a girl or a boy.
Men have made their bed and no need to get upset if very occassionsly they get reminded they aren't very desirable.

So many misogynistic comments like this one - as you can tell from this thread your sons will be fine.
The old lady is correct, of course. Not rude but just making chit chat.

Sorry but I think the woman's a complete moron. All her stupid comments are based on stereotypes.
This idea that a son's a son until he takes a wife is nonsense. My DH and two brothers are very close to their mums. My MIL and my mum get to spend loads of time with their grandchildren (their son's children). What does she mean you won't be a "real" mum/grandma?!
Absolute rubbish.

She's correct of course? Then you're as misguided as she is.

Haha, OP. I have four DC - all boys. Can you imagine the comments I have had. I just laugh it off, people just like to make conversation. I am happy with my lot. What's meant for you won't go past you.

She's correct?! OK, how is it then that I dont see or get on with my mother and yet my husband is super close to his?

I have two boys then a baby girl. People were so thrilled for me to discover I was having a girl this time, and I must be ‘done now’. This really upset me when I was pregnant, what’s wrong with my boys?? And at no point when we were trying was I think about what sex they might be, I just wanted another child.
People are idiots, and I will say it was mostly the older generation making these comments. Try not to take it to heart, most people don’t think like that woman. Enjoy your lovely boys

I swear it’s always old women. These comments about boys/girls babies piss me right off!!!

OP I have boys and have had all sorts of comments made to me such as "you need to try for a girl next time" despite me making it clear neither me or DH want more kids. MIL was genuinely disappointed when she found out our last child was a boy because she prefers girls and believed a girl would complete our family. We feel our youngest son completed it.

DH doesn't have a great relationship with his mum and she is far closer to her daughter's and granddaughters than her son's and grandsons but that is her choice. She has made it blatantly clear she favour the females so obviously they have a better relationship. She barely bothers about her son's. In her case "the daughters a daughter for life" is a self fulfilling prophecies because she made the decision to favour her daughter's at the expense of her sons. She also has a fairly limited relationship with most of her grandsons but again that's her choice as she chose to favour her granddaughters and spends much more time with them.

Unfortunately for the females in DH family that favouritism comes with a lot of demands and expectations that are not always fair on them and quite tying. My son's are free of this and I am so glad we didn't have a girl as MIL would have tried to take over with her and control her just as she had with the rest of the girls.