To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

[themummylife]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

Well, she's as thick as mince, isn't she? Anyone who thinks that a child is defined by their sex alone is an idiot. You are no less a mum to your lovely boys, than anyone with just daughters is to their children.

Sadly it happens to parents of all girls or all boys, I've got 2 dd's and even had the bloody midwife ask me mid birth whether I was going to try for a boy for dh, also read on here all the time about how bitchy girls are and how cuddly boys are.

The stereotypes really annoy me but I try to ignore them and keep raising my girls to be as open minded and kind as I can so they don't grow up with such silly opinions

The worst thing about it for me is it perpetuates the notion that it's the daughters responsibility to be caregiver etc when her parents are old but not that of a sons. Just furthering the demand on women that make it harder for us in the workplace and to juggle the ever increasing mental load. Why anyone would wish that mentality on their dd or gd is beyond me. So it's good that you have sense and can bring your ds up with a more balanced approach. And similarly, I'm not close with my mum but dh is extremely close with his family and we all live nearby and meet up lots.

I have both girls and they just kids with different personalities no matter what sex they are!

Also my MIL is the default grandparent because she’s so lovely and helpful, there’s no reason the same wouldn’t happen for you!

Just say " thank you!" And then ignore.

Girls can sometimes have strained relationships with their mothers.
I don’t get on with my mum, my sister doesn’t get on with my mum, but my DH gets on very well with his and is definitely closer. Its bollocks.

I spend more time with mil than her own daughter

Oh, some people are just really stupid and spout nonsense. I have 2 sons and I think the only comment I ever received like this was from a friends husband who announced in a room full of friends and our babies that ‘girls are better’. They had 3 girls and I knew from what my friend had told me that he desperately wanted a son.

This is my problem with it too I think. I had a lot of guilt when I moved away from my family whereas DH didn’t. It all stemmed from the expectation that being a daughter I had a duty to look after my family.
I wouldn’t want a daughter to be a ‘daughter all her life’. If I did have a girl I’d hope that she would one day have her own life and interests that stretched beyond caring for me or DH.

But if I had had a choice, I would have chosen a son both times.

I wanted a girl for my first (he was a boy) and when I saw how amazing he was I wanted a boy for my second (which I got)

I've had the odd comment (especially from my mum) that I should 'try for a girl🙄' but I have never had a desire to have a girl since having my boys.

One thing I will say, though, is that I think it IS true that once grandchildren are here your daughter-in-law will naturally choose her parents and with gender roles the way they are it is likely they will be the closest grandparents. I don't think it would bother me too much, though, as long as I get to see them regularly. I'll be Disney gran, lol.

Thank you again everyone. Reading through these comments has made me feel less crazy for being so angry. Thank you as well for those who have gave me comments I can say back to people who say those things.

See that hasn’t been the case in my family. My mum had/has a very difficult relationship with her mum and because of that I was much closer to my paternal grandmother. I suppose it’s different for every family.

it’s as if people think children are like a set you need to collect.

God yes! Some people are obsessed with the girl/boy perfect combo thing. It's absurd but it's still seen as the ideal by many.

I've committed the sin of having only one child (shock!) who is a boy (horror!) I did struggle with comments when he was little but he's a teen now, a fabulous person, and I love being the Mum of one.

Utter twat.

I used to reply that I was hoping at least one of them was gay. 🌈

And whatever happens do not let your feelings be undermined by people who have views you do not respect. Valuable example for your D.C.

Very good point from the Modhatter.

I think it’s one of them comments you have to let go over your head.

If you had 2 girls you’d of probably of been asked if you’d try for a boy or how does your husband cope in a house full of women etc etc.

The idiotic opinions start pre-birth.

My baby moves a lot? Must be a girl. Boys are lazy.

Now they know it's a boy - oh, must be a little footballer!

So when it was kicking, it couldn't have been a footballer because it was a non-lazy girl. Now it's a boy, it must be a footballer, in spite of the staggeringly small % of boys who become footballers.

People are morons, OP. Best not to dwell on their opinions.

Lol, please tell me you actually said that 🤣 Love it!

Well I am a real failure two sons then my 3rd pregnancy turned out to be twin sons!
So four boys, all adults now, on the whole its been okay,
Your children are your children till they grow, who knows where they are going to go, what they are going to do, you can only do your best love and guide them, and hope they grow into decent adults.
Enjoy your boys OP just think of all the football/rugby/cricket matches you are going to have to watch!😄

People are always going to have their opinions on your children, gender, names, how many etc. it's annoying but at least you don't have to see her again.

Awful woman!
Please do not take her silly comments to heart.
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

Enjoy your lovely family.
Best wishes!

You're right. Exactly! It's all a nonsense and very stereotypical.

DS2 is about to bring a girl home for the first time today. I'd better be on my best behaviour just in case 😁😁

Bloody hell, Hazel how do you cope, being outnumbered like that? 😉🤣

Great post. This all sounds so familiar 🫣

Males, men, boys, husbands, fathers and sons have been valued over their female counterparts since the beginning of time. My heart is not bleeding for you having two boys (!) and one old woman thinking you would be better off having a daughter as well. Be pleased with your sons and realise that most of the world probably STILL thinks you are far luckier than someone with daughters.