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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about this comment about having boys?

203 replies

themummylife · 19/07/2023 17:15

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be so upset by a comment that was made to me today. I was in a cafe with my 2 year old DS and 6 month old DS. There was a little girl who was playing with DS1 and I got chatting to her grandma. She asked if I was going to try again for a daughter, I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted any more children and I was quite happy enjoying my time with my boys. She pulled a face and told me I need to try for a daughter because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme. I doubled down that I was happy with my boys and left.

I know the comments were rude. But I’m so upset by it and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. My DS1 was in earshot for her comments which has hurt because I never want him thinking I’d have wished for a daughter instead of him or his brother. I feel lucky to have been able to have two healthy children regardless of the gender. I’m not bothered about not having a daughter, or the comments about not being close to my sons or their families when they grow up because I’m closer to my paternal GM and all of my dads side of the family than my mums. I also don’t care if my sons a son until he takes a wife, because that’s what I want, I’m raising my children to one day be adults with their own lives and families.

I think what’s bothered me is that this woman saw me as less than a mum of girls. That she saw my boys as less than a daughter. That she voiced her rude opinions to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t stand up for my boys more. I’ve had a few comments when I had DS2 about trying for a girl, but nothing as rude as this. I spoke to DH about it and he said he he had similar comments from his friends at work about the bond between a father and his little girl, how you can be ‘softer’ with a daughter and how he’s missing out. He says to ignore it as we’re happy, but it’s upset me. I’m overthinking it, I know I am, but it makes me feel like people feel like I’m not a real mum or I’ve not given my husband the joy of having a daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post and if it’s a bit jumbled. I just want to know if IABU for being so upset? And also how other people have dealt with this sort of thing?

OP posts:
TheNameIsDickDarlington · 19/07/2023 20:09

themummylife · 19/07/2023 19:30

I’m going to steal that!. It’s so true. I think that little phrase is a self fulfilling prophecy, if you’re the sort of person who truly believes that then you won’t make the effort to have a good relationship with your adult son.

Show quote history

Oh it's absolutely a self fulfilling prophecy. My inlaws say that kind of nonsense all the time (although not infront if me any more thankfully) they always mention how my kids see my parents more than them, completely ignoring that DH makes no plans with them because they have always made it clear they'd push him in front of a train to protect his sister and that attitude has extended to the grandchildren.

Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 20:16

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 19/07/2023 20:09

Oh it's absolutely a self fulfilling prophecy. My inlaws say that kind of nonsense all the time (although not infront if me any more thankfully) they always mention how my kids see my parents more than them, completely ignoring that DH makes no plans with them because they have always made it clear they'd push him in front of a train to protect his sister and that attitude has extended to the grandchildren.

Show quote history

What a shame for your husband. I can’t imagine ever treating a child like that and then complaining when they don’t want to be around you much!.

OP posts:
Inkypot · 19/07/2023 20:17

People really do just say ridiculous stuff don't they?
I always remember telling my colleagues at work that we'd found out the sex of our second baby and it was a girl (our first is a boy).
This one woman wouldn't stop going on and on about how pleased I must be now having a "gentleman's family". I'd never heard that phrase before, awful phrase.
She also liked to loudly tell everyone how she would've hated to have a son because boys are vile etc etc.
It did upset me at the time, but now I just feel bad for her that she'll never have the amazing bond that is mum/son.
For the record I also have an amazing bond with my daughter. All children are a blessing ❤️❤️❤️❤️

cherriobigfjaje · 19/07/2023 20:21

Aww that's pretty rubbish of her to say especially in front of your boys. If it were me I'd have said - maybe you've just had a bad experience with your son, I fully intend on maintaining the lovely relationship that I have with my children. Then I'd have poured tea on her head and ran 😂

TryingToGrieve · 19/07/2023 20:25

So sorry for your loss too @Mummyratbag . xx

Mummyratbag · 19/07/2023 20:32

Thank you xx

Hopingforbetterluck · 19/07/2023 20:38

@TryingToGrieve I am so sorry for your loss. What you describe being worried about is exactly what happened to me. I had a boy, then had several losses including our second son who was born sleeping after 20 weeks. We then had DD and people make comments all the time about how I must be so pleased to have one of each but it should have been two boys and then my beautiful DD. Nothing takes away from that. People can be unbelievably tactless even my own mother.
I hope the people around you are kinder and more tactful than to make any such comments.

TryingToGrieve · 19/07/2023 20:44

So sorry you had this experience @Hopingforbetterluck .

Gettingfleeced · 19/07/2023 20:58

I have 2 boys and I have had the rhyme said to me several times by various people over the years. Obviously there are exceptions, but I do think there is a little bit of truth to it unfortunately.

Based on most people I know, women tend to be the organisers of the family calendar and usually want to spend time with their own parents/siblings rather than their in-laws, which consequently means children have more exposure to their maternal grandparents than their paternal grandparents (nb. I know there are exceptions to this and the woman was still rude to say it)

Sweetashunni · 19/07/2023 21:07

When people say things like this it’s usually because they’re trying to reassure themselves about something. I bet there’s something not quite right with her family set up and she’s projecting her feelings onto you, trying to tell herself ‘well it’s still better than that family because I have more than one child, or better than that one because I have a girl, or better than that one because they have too many children’. If you get my drift.

Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 21:15

Gettingfleeced · 19/07/2023 20:58

I have 2 boys and I have had the rhyme said to me several times by various people over the years. Obviously there are exceptions, but I do think there is a little bit of truth to it unfortunately.

Based on most people I know, women tend to be the organisers of the family calendar and usually want to spend time with their own parents/siblings rather than their in-laws, which consequently means children have more exposure to their maternal grandparents than their paternal grandparents (nb. I know there are exceptions to this and the woman was still rude to say it)

I think if you raise a son to be responsible and organised then that shouldn’t be as big of a problem. Lots of people raise their daughters to be responsible, to know how to cook and clean etc but don’t with their sons as they expect a wife will look free them. I definitely won’t be doing that with my boys!.

OP posts:
Original poster
themummylife · 19/07/2023 21:15

Sweetashunni · 19/07/2023 21:07

When people say things like this it’s usually because they’re trying to reassure themselves about something. I bet there’s something not quite right with her family set up and she’s projecting her feelings onto you, trying to tell herself ‘well it’s still better than that family because I have more than one child, or better than that one because I have a girl, or better than that one because they have too many children’. If you get my drift.

I can definitely see that. If you’re happy in your own life then you don’t need to comment on other people’s.

OP posts:
MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 19/07/2023 21:22

You should have told the women where to go OP.
But people always pass comments about something.... we got married (at 25 so we were quite young) and constantly asked when we were having children..... we struggled to conceive and after 5 years of marriage I fell pregnant.
Now I have a 4 year old and struggling to conceive our second child (we have a year left before our cut off point).

My dad had comments about having 2 girls (mainly from his mother) and my grandma was disappointed when I had a girl as we have to many girls in the family.

Enjoy your time with your two little boys!!
we have a lovely relationship with my husbands parents and my
Daughter is very close to both sets of grandparents x

MotoRolling · 19/07/2023 21:25

YANBU because when someone comments negatively about what's most precious to us it can hit very hard.

I have one DD (4) by choice - we never even tried for another she is perfect for us and that's what we wanted. Every time I go to a local supermarket now there is either self service or one cashier on a till. Each time I've served by the cashier and I'm with my daughter she asks me if I have any more and looks a mixture of disgusted/ shocked/ confused when I smile and say no. She then scans my shopping giving me the side eye.

I've had to stop shopping there. I understand what you're saying because I have chosen my family and I'm 100% happy with my decision just as you are with two lovely sons- but when others assume we are lacking in some way it's really hard not to come across as defensive, and it's so patronising.

The best thing to do is to try and not let foolish strangers occupy your headspace.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 19/07/2023 21:27

That should have said that I'm getting asked constantly if I'm having another xx

cadburyegg · 19/07/2023 21:28

I have two boys. When ds2 was a baby I met another mum at baby group who was with her ds1. I mentioned that I had an older ds1. She pulled a face and said "oh I'd hate to have two boys, what a nightmare". I told her that after a miscarriage I was delighted with 2 healthy boys.

2 years later I saw her in the park with her ds1... and ds2. 😄

I agree that people happy with their family set up wouldn't comment.

MotoRolling · 19/07/2023 21:28

You should have said "oh we don't know their gender yet, we are waiting for them to let us know when they decide." And watched her implode!

cadburyegg · 19/07/2023 21:30

because otherwise I won’t have the lovely times she’s having with her grandchildren and being a ‘real’ mum/grandma. Then she did the ‘sons a son until he takes a wife’ rhyme."

I'd love someone to say this to me, I'd reply "that's alright, I don't want to spend my retirement looking after toddlers" 😊😊

SoShallINever · 19/07/2023 21:34

"Until he finds a wife!"
Haha, well in my case I'd have said "well that's bloody unlikely since he's gay" 🤣
I've got much better at calling out such nastiness, honestly I would have said "Why would you say such a horrible thing to someone".

Thepossibility · 19/07/2023 21:36

It's not even true. My mum is much closer to my brother than me or my sisters.
My DH is way closer to MIL than his sister is.

holamamma · 19/07/2023 21:41

Ugh. I have 4. Boy boy girl boy. The amount of congratulations I received when my daughter was born and commiseration's when DS2 and DS4 was actually ridiculous. People are so weird

justme2022 · 19/07/2023 21:57

We have one of each. Eldest is a girl and when I was pregnant with the second I had more than one person ask/tell me that my partner must be hoping for a boy. Once we had him my MIL told me I must be so proud of myself for giving my partner his son. Nope, nothing to do with me what sex they are and frankly neither of us could care less if we had all girls, all boys or a mix.

girlfriend44 · 19/07/2023 22:25

My friend has 2 sons and they both had 2 daughters
4 lovely grandaughters from 2 sons and 2 wonderful dils they all get on

People are weird and rude making comments.

Fairislefandango · 19/07/2023 22:31

I've said YABU to be upset, because you shouldn't give that idiot woman's comments a second thought. What an old-fashioned, rude, ignorant load of old bullshit!

weetabixwithbutterandjam · 19/07/2023 22:59

I have 3 boys and I love it,never been fussed about having a girl and I won't be 'trying for a girl' like I get asked all the time!
My mil also said that 'a son is a son till he takes a wife' thing to me..
We were at the airport last year and got chatting to an older couple who also had 3 boys,all grown up now. They said their boys all come round for Sunday dinner each week and they call their mum nearly every day. So I'm kind of hoping for a relationship like that in the future!