How to handle judgment as a mother

[Gotthejob]

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

I don't feel judged because I see it as their opinion, sure I can think they are weird but they are entitled to their opinion as much as me, but I chose to FF so I am going to hell anyway

Seriously though they are the ones with the problem they can't force you to think anything

You don’t have to shut them down. Just let them say whatever they’re saying and don’t react.
I used to be a very reactive person until I learnt to let people say their bit and move on with my life. I just look through them when I disagree. Even when the pause comes for my response I just stay silent. It’s brilliant & never fails to work.
Total silence & a small smile at best.
There’s no better way to let someone know you couldn’t care less what they think.

As an aside. New mums are competitive. In a few years even mentioning your epidural will be strange. These are new mum conversations. You can skip ahead to not talking about that stuff and save yourself the weirdness.

Ignore them completely. Look at them blankly and say "why are you commenting on my birth experience - that is so weird?"

Or say to SIL "I hope it all works out for you" and refuse to engage after that.

This pisses me off so much - people acting like childbirth is a breeze - because it often doesn't. I nearly died in my first vaginal birth (after a perfect pregnancy)- I should have had a c-section and was nearly rendered infertile after that shit show.. Had 2 c-sections after and had varying experiences with breastfeeding.

People think having a baby is a doddle these days. It often isn't. Don't give head space to people who want to judge you. Or judge them right back.

Obviously they’re jealous! They had horrible, painful birthing experiences and are refusing to acknowledge their trauma or to discuss their resulting injuries and the consequences of birthing injuries later in life. Their babies are squally, collicy babies who only sleep for 20mins a night and they are resentful.
*Been where you are, only spinal anaesthetic failed and I had general anaesthetics Talk about a total failure! My eldest just turned 19 and my twins are nearly 17. I was unable to breastfeed too. They’re FINE! Happy, healthy, not emotionally disturbed at all (even for teenagers!)
You need to deflect this with “Why are you comparing these experiences? Surely a happy, healthy baby is everyone’s goal? Mine is utterly thriving.”

People are entitled to have their own opinions.

Equally, I am entitled to think they are judgmental, uninformed idiots.

I had a c-section. The first thing the obgyn said after booking the date was ‘don’t tell anyone’.

As it happens, I did tell people and I did tell them what the obgyn said. Perhaps that point the judges-pants people in their place before they could get started? As far as I know, I haven’t had to deal with any negativity. But perhaps they are all judging me silently or gossiping behind my back! Either way, I am happy with they way it turned out.

Please remember that approximately 1/3 of pregnancies end in a c-section. You haven’t ‘failed’ at anything. You haven’t missed out on brownie points in heaven because you didn’t have a natural birth. You don’t have to educate the idiots if you don’t want to (but you might enjoy a full on dramatic rant about judgmental cows who have no direct experience and are just talking out of their backsides). Or you could just day ‘did you mean to be so rude?’ I did actually use this once and it was amazingly effective so I got over feeling any awkwardness very quickly.

As for formula…🙄 ask if they were formula fed. Ask if they can tell if you were formula fed or not. Ask if they can tell if the people sitting at the next table were formula fed or not.

Do your best and ignore, ignore, ignore. Enjoy your baby.

I could have written your post many years ago..
congratulations on your baby and I hope you are feeling well. As other PP have advised let their shitty statements waft over your head like a bad smell, don’t engage or react, their issue not yours!! Some people are just idiots. Enjoy your beautiful little person 💐

Again I don't get the judgement but I don't get the back story and the 'they must be jealous' thing either

There is so much focus on birth when that is such a tiny part of having a child, even at its extremes it is 48 or 72 hours but you will be a mum for the rest of your life and there is so much more about raising a child in those subsequent years.

Any woman who passes judgement on how another woman gives birth is crackers as it is so down to luck and factors outside our control and if you come out and you’re ok and baby is ok then it’s a massive win and it doesn’t always go that way, sadly.

as for breastfeeding PP is right, once a kid is a toddler who cares, can tell or gives a fuck?

you have a lovely chilled baby, just breath and enjoy and smile and just say something like ‘our plans didn’t work how we envisaged but it seems fine, just enjoying my gorgeous baby’ and then move on. Very best of luck!!

When people asked how I was finding being a new mum... I honestly find it's the expectations and judgement that makes it 10x worse. If I didn't feel under so much scrutiny I would be so much more chilled 😂

It's the panic if she has a crying fit that all of a sudden strangers that wouldn't bat an eyelid previously will either side eye in the street or come over asking if somethings wrong or baby needs xyz. It's the never feeling your doing it good enough even by professionals (which you are, I've even found professionals disagree)
My baby was allergic to breast milk and formula (went onto hypoallergenic formula via prescription) I was told to cut out food groups and bend over backwards to ensure I could still breastfeed (I didn't just went to allergy as I have health problems which I was expected to get ill to ensure this and also baby would have been in agony another month till we located the specific allergy and it left my system)

Overnight I seemed to become an inhuman robot devoid of emotion. Not allowed to moan if your tired, not allowed to cry/be stressed express anything other than joy, then again not too much else it's boasting. Any previous anxiety or issues had to suddenly be cured. It's crazy 😂 I feel it's a social minefield.

Where are you finding these people?

Just don't engage. My DC are primary aged now and competitive parenting/judgement still happens. It actually comes from every direction now.

People are hypocritical anyway. A (once nice) friend who has been calling her BFF (behind her back) snobby and her DC entitled/spoiled for choosing expensive private schools, is now exploring those schools for her DC (GP's have offered to pay) and rubbing it in a bit to us. She was also starting on why her DC are better than mine on the weekend & being nasty about our city & country people by comparing it to her own country/city. My DC easily beat hers academically (and behaviourally). I don't engage as I have no desire to have a pissing contest or put anyone down to make myself feel better. I'm backing away from the friendship instead, as I believe in lifting people up, not putting them down.

I'm also regularly competed against (and shamed) for my age of having babies, the country, suburb/town we live in, for living frugally and paying off our house instead of spending freely, the list goes on.....

So just ignore it & step away from those people. It'll never stop. Other people's comments are a reflection on them, not you.

I bet your sil will breast feed for two years and teach her child to read by 3, only cook from scratch, only have wooden toys and produce a child who eats their greens, while being CEO of a publicly listed company as well. 🙄Yawn.

I'd just laugh, and say, 'Let's wait until you've actually been through childbirth, shall we? Every birth is different, and you and the delivery team will decide what needs to happen, at the time.'

I found the least supportive, most unhelpful person was my (non-mum) community midwife - bossy, ill mannered, insensitive and consistently wrong in her assertions - but as you say, most mums are brilliant, knowing that after fourteen hours of difficult labour, it's essential to trust and listen to the advice of your obstetrician.

The kind of people piss me off. I also apparently comitted two cardinal sins- 2 epidurals and a apinal block followed by a child who refused to breastfeed after a NICU stay. 3.5 years down the line noone cares and I don't have a clue who in her preschool class was fed how, or how they were born.

Youe SIL sounds like an unrealistic PITA. Don't let her spoil things for you. I could have murdered one of my SILs when my daughter was born; now she has her own child, she has finally apologised for how she was.

Until you are in a aituation you have no idea (and TBH, I would be pointing that out). You maybe wanted a lovely water birth followed by instantaneous gallons of milk, but..life (and birth) isn't like that. You take the evidence you have and make the decisions you can based on it.

As for shutting her down? Grey rock the hell out of it, and get your husband/MIL/FIL to have a come to jesus chat with her.

One last thing: all births are 'natural births' whether through the vagina or the sunroof. I really don't understand this unmedicated, no imtervention is 'better' nonsense- modern medicine is amazing, and why would you deprive yourself? (I say this as someone who had gas and air only until the baby got stuck at 9.5cm- but that was because gas and air happens to make me insanely high and work veey well for me... Equally the spinal block worked a treat)

You just need to ignore it and get used to it as a mother. SIL will have egg on her face if she does end up with a c-section.

One of the many reasons why I am stopping at 1 child is because of this competitive mum bull shit. Odious. Plus the being public property thing. Not for me.

If sil doesn’t have kids yet you should just laugh and say how much you enjoyed parenting hypothetical kids too. Nothing like acting having one to have reality slap you in the face.

Honestly just try and ignore it. Be grateful your baby is so chilled and happy - you’re obviously doing an amazing job. SIL will be in for a shock when she becomes a mother because it doesn’t all pan out how we want.

We all have ideas of how we want our labour to go or if we want to bf or not, but the reality is so different and it is not in our control! (I went from hypnobirthing and wanting to breathe my baby out, to a failed induction, epidural and emergency c section. No regrets!)

It sounds like SIL is putting a lot of pressure on herself and is projecting her ideals onto you. Ignore completely.

Shut them down with phrases like “this is what works for us”, “every baby is different but xxxx loves this”. And just be confident that you know your baby the best. You sound like a brilliant mum. Keep doing you and honestly just rise above all the nonsense as much as you can.

Honestly... i would just laugh and also acknowledge everyone judges.
My dh used to bang on about how he wasnt judgey and my point is. If there are 3 ways to do something we will pick what we thinknis the best one, implicitly the other 2 are "worst" or "wrong" by default.

You are PP so prob feeling vulnerable not to depress you but this shit doesnt stop. Oh they have a dummy oh you let them eat x. Oh you dont keep them in the same room as you at alllll times
You have to get confident in your choices.

Examples
I had an ELCS and multiple people were obsessed with it. It made my husband sooooo angry on my behalf 😂
the strangest/funniest was a woman my mother USED to work who i had never met with PRINTED OFF "evidence" natural birth was better and gave it to my mother to give to me After DM mentioned it in passing. This is a woman who had 4th degree tears and was left incontinent by childbirth... My mum pointed out how insane this was and she at least had the decency to apologise.

i visited my friend for walk with my 6m old DD in her pram. I asked if could use her bathroom upstairs. She was aghast and asked if i wanted her to "watch the baby" while i went in an "uh- oh silly! did you forget to ask me something" way 🤨
I laughed and was like "you can if you really want but shes sleeping in a pram so I'm not clear what emergency /danger you are expecting 🤷🏻‍♀️"
Turns out she literally was in the same room as her 10m old AT ALL TIMES from birth... which i judged to be nuts as much as she judged me to be 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

The baby phase is such a minuscule portion of your time as a mother. The real motherhood comes later with the majority of it spent in their teens. These women who judge you on things that have happened up till now have obviously not been mums for long or they wouldn’t give a flying frog about epidurals or breastfeeding, cause those things are nothing.
tell them to come back and judge you in 18 years time.

When they are newborn that's all anyone talks about, the birth, whether or not you breastfeed, whether they sleep in their own cot etc. It's none of anyone's business and honestly a few years down the line no one gives a shit, no one asks or talks about it. I got some judgy comments about formula feeding and also having an epidural. But they weren't the ones who had to be induced early, have a horrendous labour where I broke my coccyx and had a grade 3 tear, and decided to formula feed as I was in too much agony for weeks after the birth to even try breastfeeding at that point. It's no one's fucking business so just you do you.

i used to be very shouty, defensive and reactive. It’s extremely draining. I follow a few people on Insta who help with this.
I would recommend saying “thank you for your opinion” and meanwhile you hold onto your reality and your truth.

Try and ignore but maybe also hold a mirror up to what they're doing by saying something like "the thing that has most surprised me about motherhood is that everyone else has an opinion on your parenting - from giving birth to feeding - everyone feels entitled to make judgements. I've had to develop a really thick skin, because it can be so hurtful. I'm just trying to do my best, as is every other mother."

If you do it in a general way, rather than in response to something they've said, they might reflect on what they've been saying without realising it's aimed at them.