How to handle judgment as a mother

[Gotthejob]

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

Just don't give what other people think another thought. None of this stuff has any relevance on how good a parent you are or how your kid turns out. I've got 4 kids all of whom have lots of friends. I've no idea how any of their mates were born or fed and I wouldn't give a fig. I know these things are heightened when you have a baby but please believe me that they just have no relevance in life later on and shouldn't now either.

I don't think you need to shut it down. Everyone can have their own opinions, whether you engage or not is up to you. And to be honest beyond the first few weeks after birth no one gives a shit how the baby was born. Good luck to your SIL though, clearly very aware of how birth works 🙄

I do find on feeding the fight often comes from FF parents who get defensive then the bf side gets defensive and it spirals when actually the only response should be 'you're doing great'. But honestly, it doesn't matter. The baby is fed and at an individual level it makes no difference. Line 30 5 year olds up and you can't tell which were bottle or breastfed.
This new mum infighting is infuriating, we should all be helping and supporting each other. It's fucking hard enough without being attacked.

❤️❤️❤️

Beautifully put and absolutely right!

Just remember to tell yourself and others that you are proud of yourself and you're doing a great job.

For starters, remember the way you gave birth and how you feed your baby are a tiny part of the lifelong role of parenting. I had 3 epidurals, BF one, mixed fed another, bottle fed another. Now all grown up, none of that made the slightest difference to any of them, and has no relevance to our lives. I have to think hard to even remember it all in the context of their upbringing as a whole.
I think I'd just respond with a disinterested 'mm' or two when they're waxing lyrical about how they're going to do it all differently. Given it really doesn't matter.

Just hope SIL has post birth incontinence so you can tell her how amazing it is to have a good laugh at her without pissing yourself 😁

If your unlucky your SIL like mine will have a 'beautiful' natural birth, latch immediately so she can say 'why dont people tell you how easy it is' and sleep all day and night because she had a 'good routine'. Silly me, I must have wanted to have flat nipples and a baby who never slept, if only I had been as clever and superior as her. I learned to rise above it, as PPs say its a very short little time, although I clearly remain a little bitter!!

When I had my 1st... I managed to breastfeed... My friend who had her daughter after... Tried to breastfeed as well... It was making her ill due to a number of different things, so she went on to formula. We were both out and I was breastfeeding...she was bottle feeding and the looks we both got were outrageous. Can't do right for doing wrong as they say.

However, the point of this is you are never going to make everyone happy. You do you. Regardless of formula or breastfeeding, as long as you are both in a good place and healthy that's all that matters. You know how hard it was for you to bring your baby into the world. They don't. So take no notice of the ignorance etc. Its

Hit button too quick 🙈 to carry on...

Breast feeding is hard work and not plain sailing which I think most people take for granted you will be able to do before motherhood. The reality is quite different.

Take care of you and your baby that's all you need to focus on. They will sympathise one day when they have children of their own

It's important to make sure you distinguish between judgement and conversation! Yes, some people do judge. But quite often completely innocent small talk can feel like judgement if it's phrased slightly awkwardly or if you're feeling vulnerable. It's usually best to smile and move on. You know what you did was right for you.

Total silence & a small smile at best.

Don't forget the look at their off-sping and the slightly raised eyebrows, gets them every time! Never, ever respond verbally, being ignored is simething that really winds people up, remember passive aggression is a winner!

I'd say breezily about the c-section "Well personally I preferred not to die and have a happy healthy baby also."

Like when people thought I was being a selfish career woman in going back to work "Personally I prefer being able to pay the mortgage."

Just ignore them. People are the worstttttt.

I found just nodding along and thinking it was best. then laugh along with them when they admit that they didn’t have a clue once they’ve actually done it 😉

I was a fantastic Mother Earth parent before having children. Weren’t we all.

Don't be around them at the moment. You've had a traumatic birth, feeling judged at one of the most vulnerable times of your life. Speak openly to your DH and explain this is just too much just now. If you visit them, make it for a short period of time or let DH take baby when your ready to leave them. Look after yourself too, your doing everything for your wee baby and sound like a good mum.

easiest way to shut these people up is by cutting them off :)

In the face of such rudeness, occasionally I ask people if they have seen the film Paddington. Then I give them Paddington's hard stare.

My birth and feeding journey was so traumatic and interventional and I felt acutely aware I had "failed". Throw in undiagnosed pnd and I felt exactly like you do. Honestly for me antidepressants helped me care not one iota what people think. There will never be the perfect put down, and you can't control people's idiotic opinions. Breastfeeding in particular brings out strong opinions. All that matters is that all babies have to eat, formula keeps babies alive and healthy, as does breastmilk, some people choose to and succeed in breastfeeding, some can't manage for any number of reasons, some don't want to. What works for you and your baby is none of anyone's business. Motherhood is hard, all aspects of it, and we all have different experiences. We should be supporting each other not judging or saying everyone should do x, u, z or whatever worked for me should be for everyone!

My advice, stop caring as soon as possible. If someone says something to me, I think privately "what a moron" and move on. If I can think of something to say to highlight how absurd it is I will, if not no big deal (although it's possible my face gives it away).

I would personally limit your time with these people as far as possible and try to surround yourself more with your tribe! Pnd is such a real problem for a lot of new mums and no-one needs people affecting their self esteem as mothers in those crucial early days! As I see it your job as a new mum now is to look after your mental health, your confidence, and your bond with your baby and keep all the haters out of your head! Good luck, it used to drive me insane too. I couldn't gaf what people think now - it takes practice! Xx

I hear you Op. why can’t people wind their necks in? Babies are born in all sorts of different ways, fed in different ways. Can the judgement of mothers stop now ?

sometimew breast isn’t best. Sometimes formula is the better option.

sometimes a c section is the best option and sometimes an epidural is needed.

Birthing and mothering aren’t black and white experiences.

It's very easy for people without kids to say they'll have a pain free birth and they'll take to breastfeeding like a duck to water, you play with the hand that you are dealt, many women need c sections because a vaginal birth will be impossible due to the shape of their pelvis, so not having an epidural won't make any bloody difference.

Some women aren't able to breastfeed, that's just how it is. I had a c section and I didn't breastfeed but I've never experiences any negativity towards this, it's only on here do I hear of ridiculous people commenting on other people's birthing and feeding experiences, it's bizarre. Next time your SIL says anything give a wry smile and say, yeah, we'll see!

There's always going to be a myriad of opinions and judgements handed out to you as a parent. Learning how to graciously (or not) deal with them is part of parenting! In my experience those who are particularly judgy are usually the most insecure or worried of their own decisions and its easier to be forgiving or unbothered by others judgements when you think about the reason why they need to forcefully exert them. I find a breezy "everyone's families and babies are different, that's great you've found what works for you" shuts down the negative nillys without discouraging people from sharing their experiences.

With respect to your SIL is she currently pregnant? Could well be she was terrified by your experience/birth story and not surprisingly she would self soothe herself by proclaiming she would make different choices or seeking to find a reason why it happened that is within her control.

Honestly in a couple of years no one will ask or care so don’t let it get to you. It’s a new mum thing where everyone is obsessed with the baby bubble and thinking their baby is some kind of superior genius. We are all in the same boat by the time they’re 3 and are little cretins

I had an elective c section and all I ever said to anyone who questioned it was “ if you want to squeeze an 8 pound lump out of your fanny, go ahead. I’m not doing it.” Mainly ended the conversation.

Ignor them your baby your way. You will find someone will always have a opinion about everything . The most important thing is that you and baby are safe and healthy. You had a epidural and a C-section that saved both your lifes. Your SIL says she is not having a epidural and that's easy for us all to say when we are not in active labour also does she not know that even if she doesn't have a epidural it doesn't mean she will definitely not have to have a C-section. I have 3DC my first labour I had just gas and air. My second I had gas and air and pethidine injection. With my last I had gas and air, pethidine injection and begged for a epidural but it was too late for an epidural. With my first and second I didn't produce enough milk to breastfeed with my last DC I had a great milk supply and I tried to breastfeed but baby was born with tongue tie and could not latch I pumped to start with but with 3DC it was becoming too time consuming spending time pumping then the time it took to bottle feed so they too ended up on formula. All 3 are healthy and thriving.
Don't let them dull your shine. Let it go over your head, because no matter what you do there will always be someone who doesn't agree or thinks your wrong. Enjoy your baby (they don't stay small for long) and most importantly do it your way.

Honestly don't know why you give a shit what other mums think. Have you come across people that have directly said anything to try to make you feel bad? Pity their ignorance or laugh at them if you feel a response is necessary but I would not even stoop to their level tbh
Well done you BTW, had emergency section myself and they're no picnic

Deep breaths, count to 10 and ignore anyone’s comments/opinions/judgements that aren’t the same as yours. Honestly if you respond to everyone you get you’ll exhaust yourself!

it’s very difficult not to give a shit about what other people think but nobody knows what they’ll do in any situation until they’re actually in it so be confident in your decisions and move on from it as quickly as you can!