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Original poster

How to handle judgment as a mother

215 replies

Gotthejob · 17/07/2023 00:55

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 17/07/2023 08:02

What has actually been said ?

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/07/2023 08:15

I just grey rock people like this. There’s no point in engaging.

I can more or less guarantee your SIL’s noble ideas about free range parenting will go out of the window when she gets to the delivery room.

Just let it wash over you.

Lovingitallnow · 17/07/2023 08:21

Chances are they'd have judged you no matter what you did. Trying to prove a point or be an earthy mom with no epidural, prioritising your own experience and making a big deal of vaginal birth if you'd delayed section, been a martyr for breastfeeding. That's the beauty of motherhood. There's no right decision and you're judged for every choice you make. That's the marker of a true mother, not how you feed or how you gave birth. But how you are now judged for everything you do. It's what unites us all. Welcome.

iheartherainiysloud · 17/07/2023 08:31

I fed for you, I don't no how to shut them down, but you need to know in your head a c-section was the right thing for you and baby as you said you would have died without it so it was the right thing. It sounds like sil has had her baby yet. Just see how she gets on when she is in labour she might need an epidural, also the bf my eldest wasn't bc as he was able to. He was on formula he was fed that is all that matters the same with your baby.
It doesn't matter what other people think, you do as a mum what is right for you and the baby and no one else's opinion actually matters. Once you get your head around that you will feel like the comments don't matter I promise you.

Themermaidspool · 17/07/2023 08:38

No! They dont get to comment unless its supportive.
Saccharine sweet 'oh really well everyones motherhood journey is different and we all struggle with different things dont we?'
Sweet smile.
Turn away and shoot daggers at the wall just to get it out!

Outdamnspot23 · 17/07/2023 08:41

I’d keep it simple and say “well the important thing is we’re both alive!”

If they argue the toss after that they’ll sound like complete tossers.

Currently pregnant and absolutely dreading this, I genuinely don’t understand the impulse to criticise how women and their health teams get mother and baby through one of the most dangerous times of their lives.

Flatandhappy · 17/07/2023 08:42

I was massively judged by not breastfeeding my kids in an area where “breast is best” was turned into a sodding religion. There was even a breastfeeding cafe where I was not welcome. Years later I can laugh at the judgy cows but at the time I was a bit gutted. I did take to saying “so you know all about my medical condition then” when I wanted to just make people squirm a bit.

coodawoodashooda · 17/07/2023 08:43

Opine · 17/07/2023 01:09

You don’t have to shut them down. Just let them say whatever they’re saying and don’t react.
I used to be a very reactive person until I learnt to let people say their bit and move on with my life. I just look through them when I disagree. Even when the pause comes for my response I just stay silent. It’s brilliant & never fails to work.
Total silence & a small smile at best.
There’s no better way to let someone know you couldn’t care less what they think.

As an aside. New mums are competitive. In a few years even mentioning your epidural will be strange. These are new mum conversations. You can skip ahead to not talking about that stuff and save yourself the weirdness.

I was the same. Their opinion is nothing to do with you.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 17/07/2023 08:47

I agree, silence and a blank face. When they do have babies of their own they'll hopefully be suitably embarrassed. Everyone is an expert when it's all theory.

Zola1 · 17/07/2023 08:52

Honestly this kind of thing is such a weird baby phase... it will disappear. I had a terrible birth, epidural, tears, haemorrhaged..but now the kids are older literally no one cares and ive not spoke about it forever. And I don't know what sort of birth my friends who have recently had second or third babies had because I'm just glad everyone came out the other side ok.

MogsMa · 17/07/2023 08:55

I'd like to post some general "new mum" advice but honestly think this is a "your SIL" issue. She sounds like a twat. The idea that you had a section because you didn't try hard enough is beyond crazy.

I suppose the general advice I'd give is not to engage and avoid seeing judgement where there might not be any- I think as a new mum it's sometimes tempting to see someone else's decision to do something one way as a judgement on your decision to do it another way, but most of us are just bumbling along doing our best and honestly not that interested in judging anyone else. That's been my experience anyway, and I'm sorry that it hasn't been yours. As I say, judging you for having a section is insane. I'm guessing that your SIL doesn't have a baby yet and so is perhaps comparing her perfect imaginary birth with your real one.

Beamur · 17/07/2023 08:57

Everyone is an expert when it's all theory
That works quite well!
I reckon too many people watch and read unrealistic 'advice' - if they haven't got kids, they have no perspective but feel 'informed' and I suspect this also gives a lot of new mums unnecessary angst about their own abilities and experience.
I had a C-section and an epidural. Neither planned. But I am very glad I did. If I hadn't had the luxury of those options I'd probably have a dead baby or horrific birth injuries. I found saying that to people was enough to shut down any criticism.

Squiblet · 17/07/2023 08:59

Turns out she literally was in the same room as her 10m old AT ALL TIMES from birth... which i judged to be nuts as much as she judged me to be 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

oh my goodness... So if she needed a wee while the baby was napping, she'd risk waking them up by lugging them into the bathroom?!? Did she never put the kettle on during naptime?

I would have lost my goddamn mind 🤯

BogRollBOGOF · 17/07/2023 09:04

I have no idea how any of my children's classmates were birthed, fed, weaned etc. In the grand scheme of things, it's a tiny chapter of a child/ mother's life. It feels big at the time, and I say that as someone who was hit hard by DS1's birth taking its own twists and turns, but other than if there's direct consequence to yours/ baby's health, most of it is optional social baggage.

What matters is making the best decisions for the circumstances you're in... not that they're necessarily open choices anyway.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 17/07/2023 09:06

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled

In other words, the baby has judged and found you to be absolutely fine.

Forget the other judgements. They don't count.

Best wishes - from someone who has committed the same three cardinal sins as you!

NeverThatSerious · 17/07/2023 09:10

Reallybadidea · 17/07/2023 07:59

Try and ignore but maybe also hold a mirror up to what they're doing by saying something like "the thing that has most surprised me about motherhood is that everyone else has an opinion on your parenting - from giving birth to feeding - everyone feels entitled to make judgements. I've had to develop a really thick skin, because it can be so hurtful. I'm just trying to do my best, as is every other mother."

If you do it in a general way, rather than in response to something they've said, they might reflect on what they've been saying without realising it's aimed at them.

This is probably a very good way to handle it. I admit my first thought was a sharp ‘fuck off’ but that’s not exactly non-confrontational I guess. I did also scoff at people with a ‘don’t be so thick’ which tended to stop people going on in any case.

I had a C-section, due to medical reasons but ultimately elective, and I haven’t felt bad about that for a second. If ignorant prats want to judge me for that, fine, but I know I did the right thing for me and for baby and frankly, recovery was a walk in the park.

A friend of mine, altho not actively judgemental, is very pro natural anti anything else and she ended up nearly dying and having a C-section under general… yet seems to feel guilty about it?!?! Make it make sense.

Babyboomtastic · 17/07/2023 09:19

Welcome to early motherhood!

Basically new parents have taken on a new life changing, all encompassing project, everyone is a bit knackered and a side effect of this sells to be judginess!

I chose an ELCS, and chose to bottle feed. I totally got judged this.

Then there is cosleeping, cloth vs disposable nappies, vaccinations, weaning methods, sleep training, babywearing, forward vs rear facing (prams and car seats), TV, extended breastfeeding etc.

The first few years seem full of these sorts of debates, which often turn into judginess or slanging matches.

The earlier you pressed not to cassette and just post your way without caring what others think, the better.

The good news is it does eventually mostly pass!

YeaGads · 17/07/2023 09:25

Well you will still be honeymoon fresh as they say.

Learning to not give a shit regarding others opinions is one of the best skills you can ever learn.

StormShadow · 17/07/2023 09:25

Gotthejob · 17/07/2023 00:55

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

Laughter.

Also, is this SILs first? It may well be that she gets the birth she wants, but either way she'll learn soon enough that most people are much better parents before having a baby than they are when faced with the actual reality.

Pilgit · 17/07/2023 10:02

Not sure there is a non-confrontational way of shutting it down. If they haven't had kids yet they have no experience to back up their ill informed opinion so ignore. My BIL used to be like this - wound me up no end. I ended up saying to him the only way of dealing with it in the end was to tell him to fuck off every time he did it. MIL used to defend saying he means well - to which my response was always that i don't care to feel criticised by someone with 0 experience in parenting. Since having children he's been a lot better.

MammaTo · 17/07/2023 10:02

I had an epidural and only bottle fed. To be honest I think it depends on your circle of friends/family, my friends thought I was mental for trying to go naturally and not pushing for a c section so I could have a set date when baby would be here.

Just smile and nod and be happy with your lovely baby.

At the end of the day I refused to make a martyr out of myself, breast feeding seems tedious and so limiting - it took me ages to get over the guilt of feeling like I was being selfish for not having a go but I was able to get out and about with my baby sooner then most people who breast feed and my life doesn’t revolve around pumping/feeding.

Also bottle feeding doesn’t cheat the system at all, it’s just you have been blessed with a chilled baby - mines been bottle fed since day one and is 7 months old and has never slept through the night.

Peony654 · 17/07/2023 10:03

I think best to ignore. You and baby are alive and well, and baby is fed. Nothing else matters. No parenting is perfect

Curtains70 · 17/07/2023 10:06

I just don't associate with people like this to be honest. The only place I ever see such comments is Mumsnet.

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/07/2023 10:08

These from a PP are perfect replies:

Ignore them completely. Look at them blankly and say "why are you commenting on my birth experience - that is so weird?"

Or say to SIL "I hope it all works out for you" and refuse to engage after that.

WeetabixTowels · 17/07/2023 10:32

When I read threads like this I think “but has anyone REALLY told you you didn’t try hard enough”? Have they used those words, or are you interpreting it that way because you don’t like someone and they made a comment? Because IME no one ever gave a shit how anyone else gave birth or fed. Dare I say it, I think some people judge themselves and tell themselves that it’s other people