How to handle judgment as a mother

[Gotthejob]

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

Jesus send me to hell with you then!

I was induced, my labour started immediately with no breaks in between so the pain was horrific, 12 hours of paracetamol I gave in and had an epidural, I will proudly admit it as I've never felt pain like it. My sons heart beat then started dropping so it was a c section, turns out he'd poo'd in me and was eventually told it could have killed me too. My son then came out not breathing. If I hadn't have had the c section I doubt he'd survived the vaginal birth. I'd rather admit I have a c section than mourn the loss of my child!

I'd maybe just respond with 'well hopefully your birth is not a life or death situation and if it is, I hope you're not shamed about it afterwards'. Hopefully that will shut them up.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself.
I had an elective c section and formula fed my now 11 month old.

My friend recently had a baby and after 3 days labouring had to have an emergency section and is formula feeding.

Another friend recently had a baby 4 hours of labour and combi feeds.

Every pregnancy garners a different experience as does every birth and every baby.

All that matters in all cases is that mum and baby are alive and well, and baby is fed.

Sod all the opinions. Some people just like to “one up” others and tbh it’s probably all to make themselves feel better because they are tired from waking 50 times in the night! But aren’t we all?!

Haha, if formula is the reason that your baby is lovely, happy and chilled then no one would ever attempt to breastfeed and everyone would go straight to formula and no one would have anything to moan about. It’s nonsensical.

You are doing an amazing job - you made a whole new human, delivered them safely despite putting your body and life on the line trying to both ‘natural’ and then having major abdominal surgery to ensure your baby was safe, and to top it all, your baby is chilled out and happy! How blooding amazing is that?!

You need to ignore people that don’t have your best interests at heart - they are not kind to you, so don’t give it a second thought. A boundary doesn’t have to be confrontational and you don’t have to allow them the space to be dicks to you.

Remember, you have done amazingly and are continuing to do so

Thank you everyone for all the nice comments. I think there might be some classism to it, if I am looking at the people who have made comments.

I have decided to use the smile and ignore / wish people luck with their birth plan and hopefully increase my own confidence in how things are going.

I can tick all your boxes and can honestly say that I cannot remember how my friends gave birth or fed their children!! I don’t care and am sure they don’t either.
If your friends do care then they are very shallow and not worthy of your friendship!

I was in the same boat as you (except I chose not to breastfeed which is so ~controversial~ apparently). I had every drug going in the hospital including an epidural and I had a c section (not through choice the first time, that was an emergency. With my second baby I did choose to have an elective c section).

Any comments that came my way, I just tried to own my own decisions as much as possible. Ie

I chose to have an epidural. It was absolutely fantastic for me.
If I didn’t have an emergency section my baby would have died, and likely me as well.
I chose to have an elective section because I had a traumatic experience the first time and that was entirely my choice to make. It was an incredible experience.

Own your choices. You don’t need to go into as much detail as my examples but back yourself. Be confident and assured. You won’t make them change their mind, but that’s very much their own issue. If they want to be naive and have a very small outlook on birth and pregnancy, then that’s their mistake to make.

What I tend to think about is how rare it is for birth plans to be 100% accurate to what actually happens. A lot of these judgemental people will soon learn that through their own experiences. It won’t help you and they certainly won’t come back and apologise for what they’ve said previously, of course. But it’s something they’ll have to mull over afterwards and perhaps think about how naive they were originally.

Keep doing what's best for you and your baby, and screw everyone else.

My bestie was worried I would judge her for not breastfeeding because I really wanted to. I was gobsmacked, and the above is what I told her.

If you feel the need to shut them down, as a question, and look confused... "Sorry, I'm not sure what point your making" or something similar should work.

The funny thing is you get judgy comments both ways. If you're breastfeeding then you get 'well that's why they're not sleeping' type comments and if you keep on doing it passed 1 some people can be shocked and judgey about that too. Our ds was combi fed so we had both sides of the judgement 😂Thankfully no one ever seems to have judged my c section. I got more sympathy at how stressful the experience must've been with ds nearly dying. I don't think I would care if anyone tried to judge either. I'm just glad ds didn't die as his heart rate was slowing with every contraction. I also have the benefit of no birth injuries as I only got to 1cm dilated.Although I do remember our nct meet up (online 2021) after all babies were born and 3 of us had had emergency c sections. One of the dad's was trying to be very smug and boastful about their home both and his partner promptly shut him down and said something like 'well it was 72 hours of agony for me.' Can you guess which dad didn't do any getting up in the night and still hadn't taken baby out on his own at 9 months old?

So sorry you are not being supported by the people around you but great advice from the mums on here! The fact that people have an opinion about the manner in which you gave birth is ABSURD. The fact that they give you their opinion about it is even more absurd and the lowest of low - trying to make a new mum feel inadequate is vile.

I did all the things you did but was never shamed. Having had 2 unwanted C-sections myself, I can say C section mamas are warriors too! Along with my beautiful baby I also brought home a lot of physucal + mental baggage. The road to recovery was long and hard while grappling with the new way of life. C sections save lives, people are ridiculous.

As for the people who haven't experienced any of it yet lol, I'd just smirk at them and tell them ignorance is BLISS!

Congratulations on the birth of a healthy happy baby. Due to a health condition I had to have c-sections for both of my DC. 2 weeks early for my first, 5 weeks early for my 2nd. My milk just never made an appearance. I was disappointed that I couldn’t breastfeed with my first, but as a second time mum I owned it and accepted it. Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding don’t always follow the plan and no woman should be made to feel less because of that. We all do the very best we can for our children. And my children have thrived regardless and have grown into successful adults with good jobs etc. ignore those that try to belittle you, you’re doing a great job.

Honestly their behaviour is gross and doesn’t deserve kindness. I’d just answer with “huh I guess we should have just died then” and walk away. But I’m a sarcastic AH

As you say it is all childless people I would go with a simple:
'Everyone is a better parent before they have children'
Then just store it all up and wait for them to have kids.....

Nobody actually cares. Truly. It's only when you're stuck in a bubble with the same people talking about the same things they focus on whatever problems they can create to take their minds off the boredom of their lives.

The reality is, no one cares how you gave birth, how you fed your child or anything at all about your child. If you are feeling any guilt it's because you feel you've let yourself down somehow. Let me assure you that you have got nothing to feel guilty about, you gave birth. That's an achievement to be celebrated, relax and enjoy your child.

But really. Nobody at all gives a shit.

Some women have a pathological need to compete with one another. There are two kinds of response that they produce: either they've had it worse than you, or you're making an unnecessary fuss about absolutely nothing. In both cases, they take their experience as the yardstick for the entire world, and anyone who does more or less is a failure.

Something I have learned in my 45 years on this planet is: these women are best avoided. Set your expectations of them to zero, and see them as infrequently as possible. Find yourself some female friends who will laugh and cry with you, and support you without competition. They exist, and are the most wonderful gift.

I think try and make peace with how you feel about these things, then it won't get to you if people mention them?

There's nothing wrong with any of those things, and I also don't think formula = happy and content baby, I think that's generally a myth especially amongst non parents.

I used to get some many comments from friends and family saying why don't you just give him a bottle, which I found really unsupportive. Other people (especially not new parents) honestly have no idea try not to take what they say to heart - and talk to the ones who 'get it' more.

"shut your gob and eff off" works for me.
Not about childbearing but when my husband was dying of cancer I got similar remarks about what he should have done/not done or should be doing/not doing

When you've recently given birth your hormones are all over the place. You instinctively want to do the best for your infant and when others criticise and "make helpful suggestions / observations" that are in conflict with what you are doing it is hurtful, disrespectful, and numbing beyond belief.

I kept trying to justify my choices but these 'know-nothings' can be aggressive and dismissive of your reasons. For me, it was that I was nursing on demand, co-sleeping, and not introducing solids before 6 months. This was in the early 70s when the 'fashion' was to introduce sardines with condensed milk (believe it or not, advocated by a doctor!) at 6 weeks, along with supplemental bottle feeds 'to give mothers a break', which obviously put an end to the mothers' milk supply and signalled the death knell for breastfeeding success, and this was hailed by so many idiots.

Fortunately I joined LLLI and got accurate, medically-approved information and lots of emotional support from them. One mother gave me advice not to waste my energy to justify, and also not to divulge ANY information as it was none of their business to know, but to say thanks for their opinions, and then change the subject.

I was so relieved, but it had taken its toll on my confidence and stressed me unbelievably until baby was 6 months old.

So whatever your personal choices are, believe in yourself and only spend time with positive people.

I have been exactly here OP. My usual response was that it was an emergency situation and we’d both be dead otherwise. That kind of stops things with normal folk. Others I just told them to fuck off.

‘I prefer lowering the chances of me and my kid dying to proving to pointless people that I’m tough because I know I am’ From my experience the people who ask you or make you feel bad about this have ever done anything arduous in their life.

The whole and only criteria that matters with childbirth is that you end up with a healthy mum and a healthy child.

If both of those things apply, then ignore people, and just enjoy your baby.

The method of birth no longer matters.😉

Honestly you are not a failure by the judgement you have had I should be damned in hell for 4 c- sections!! I also failed to breastfeed successfully on 3 out of occasions!! Despite all of my failings I have 4 neurodiverse highly intelligent children who are not fully recognised by their wider family!!😂I produced 2 girls first and then 2 boys. From the moment my parents in law got their first grandson via my brother in law and his perfect wife just 8 weeks after ny second daughter my children and my family became the runner up! I got used to my husbands brothers children always staying at my parents in law ( most weekends) and my children taking the back seat. By the time I had my fourth child he got not attention. Don't fight the broken family system, love your family and create memories with your family. Don't dwell on the judgement and DO NOT feel like a failure. You are amazing and your children are amazing.

Step back from your SIL. You don't have to put up with this. Follow your own rule book.

Welcome to motherhood! You can’t win - there’s always going to be someone judging, saying you’re doing it wrong. Do this/do that as it worked for my 1 baby 30 years ago - sigh! For what it’s worth I think epidurals are blooming amazing and everyone is the perfect Mum (until they actually have a kid).
Just focus on you and your beautiful baby and enjoy the cuddles xx

My son is 14 because I had a c section and bottle fed him. If I'd not had the c section we'd both be dead. Without bottle feeding he'd be dead. I tried hard to breast feed but couldn't produce enough for him and it was damaging my MH too. For me, whilst I wanted natural birth and to BF it was a stark choice. I find telling people we'd not have made it without creation and formula it tends to remove the discussion