How to handle judgment as a mother

[Gotthejob]

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

C section and inability to bf here 👋🏻

Here’s what I noticed; All the judgy Mum’s who breast fed till their toddlers were chewing their nipples off. The ones who preached ‘breast is best’ and followed it up with low sugar, organic weaning…

7 years on, their kids are maxed out watching YouTube and playing Fortnite for 5 weeks solid of the six weeks holidays, living on cheerios and Prime. That’s not even an exaggeration.

How do I deal with the judgy Mums?. I just smile inside, because my boobs don’t hang passed my waist and I have zero trauma to my nipples.

The 5:5 rule applies here. If it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 mins on it.

Umm, I don’t really want to contradict you when you are being so supportive of the OP (as was I in an earlier post) but I had a c-section and yes, it was pretty easy.

Mine was an emergency c-section but I believe it was easy because I had planned a elective section (like some previous posters, I anticipated that I would probably need one due to age and medical history so decided to jump straight to elective, which was then brought forward to emergency due to pre eclampsia).

Short version - I was already mentally prepared for a c-section and didn’t have to labour first. It made the birth and recovery much easier because it was all on my terms.

Posted too soon - I am very aware that not all c-section experiences are like this, especially if they are not the mother’s first choice. But they are not all bad either.

Gosh I feel so sorry for you!! You are alive and you have a beautiful baby! End of!! a it’s just so so hard to drown out the noises of others options! I just hope they don’t get to you too much!! Sending you love and support xxxx your bay is healthy!!!

Ignore them, OP, they’re being judgmental without the knowledge you have.

I had an emergency C-section with my 1st after labour didn’t progress and they finally realised it was his shoulder not his head, so chose elective with my 2nd. it’s not the easy option but sometimes a natural birth isn’t either. @Covermeinsunshine they’re still pert many years later, no sagging past my waist here 😂😉

For me breast feeding was easy but one poor mum next to me when I had 2nd didn’t. The midwives and her partner kept badgering her which wasn’t the right approach. I tried to be supportive of her right to decide if I got the chance, she was so upset by them.

Enjoy your baby and try to ignore their ignorance. SIL will obviously have an easy labour and perfectly behaved baby , sleeping through the night at 2 weeks and reaching all milestones early😂

But aren’t you being equally judgemental here about how they look and their parenting.

and frankly jumping to conclusions about why they are upstairs all the time - trust me I would love my son to come downstairs more and do more stuff

Ignore those who don’t even have children yet, they have no point of reference so aren’t worth engaging with. I just say that I hope they find what works for them too if they end up being parents. To those who already are parents, I’m so sorry you feel judged, but if you’ve committed three cardinal sins, I’ve committed hundreds haha! DH and I travel a lot with work, often very last minute, but adore our careers and our sleep and our free time, so were very realistic about how children would fit into our lives and how much it would cost us to achieve the balance we would need in order for it to have as minimal an impact as possible for the compromise we were willing to make. I love my children, but never had a desire to only be ‘a mother’ at the expense of everything else I love about my life - I was adamant they would only ever add to my life, not take away from it. So, my cardinal sins: I dislike pain, so elected for an epidural and to bottle feed. I wanted my lady parts to remain intact and my sex life not to be affected, so elected for c-sections. I love my sleep and need AT LEAST 8 hours unbroken a night, so set a strict routine from the day we left hospital of no napping on me etc so my children never knew any different and slept when I slept and in their own room. I love my job so went back to work full time after six months with all three. I got a live in au pair then as soon as they could start school all three have boarded. DH and I both boarded and loved it so had the benefit of being able to prepare them well and frame it as one big adventure. I don’t get many judgemental comments purely because most of my friends and the parents I know do the same as us. But when I do, about ‘why bother having children if I don’t want to spend every moment of every day with them’ (who does?!), how ‘hands off’ our parenting has been etc etc, I simply say it works for us as a family - our family time is always very special because when we’re all together we make it count, but no one has ever been too sleep deprived, too tired, too busy, or had mental health issues. Lots of people are horrified I’m sure at our family set up, but other than us now being virtually broke, everyone is happy, balanced and fulfilled, and I love watching how independent, confident, worldly and resourceful my children are becoming as a result. You do you and be proud you’ve made the right choices for YOUR LIFE.

Firstly, congratulations on your little one! Hope you're both getting on well.

Secondly, for what it's worth, it sounds like you had an emergency C-section which might take some of this ridiculous judgement away. But who cares if it was an elective?! Like you said, you and your baby are both happy and healthy and that's really all that matters.😊

Lastly, let's see how your sister gets on when she's in the throes of labour. That epidural might seem a bit more appealing😉

If you and your baby are fit and well, that is all that matters.

I had 2 children in the 90s. I had problems with anxiety at the time so didn't want the effects of feeling woozy on gas and air so I did not use them. Although both labours were quick (4hrs & 6hrs) they were not without problems, and if I had needed help I would have had an epidural and or caesarian if needed. As it was, my daughter needed help with a ventouse (vacuum) and my son needed forceps. Both of these with no pain relief. I do not boast about it, or even mention it. It was just how quickly it happened, and there was no time for an epidural. I also smoked through pregnancy (I know! I've given up now) and both babies were a very healthy weight (7lb10 & 8lb12).

When back on the ward the nurse asked how I was feeding and I immediately opted for the bottle. Breastfeeding, to me, was never an option - I have no idea why - I just didn't want to try it.

My babies are now 29 & 31 and perfectly fine.

I hope your SIL gets her wish (no epidural & no caesarian), but until you are actually giving birth, anything can and will happen. If she has those expectations she may be disappointed, and that might ruin what is a magnificent event.

You don't need to 'shut down these opinions'. You have a lovely, happy, healthy, chilled-out baby. That is all that matters. I'm happy for you that everything is good :)

They haven’t been able to get over the fact there’s no big award for their big achievement. You got a baby same as them and they’re gutted. 😂

I know you are probably feeling all mixed up emotionally at the moment. But honestly it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things . I know I felt so disappointed in myself after having an Emergency C Section as I honestly pictured I would give birth and this baby would be put to my breast and suckle. It didn't happen but everyone is still here 40+ years later. To those who haven't given birth I would say, "we will see when it is your turn what happens and things are beyond your control" to those who have babies I would say " bully for you" !!
Everyone is different I know women who have had vaginal births and been left with numerous problems , which probably had they been given a c section wouldn't have happened.

I have had similar comments, my eldest son is nearly 31, a had a very difficult birth, a lot of damage " down below", and feel lucky that neither of us suffered permanent damage. I know it's a long time ago, but the judgement has lasted: I jeopardised my babies health by having pain relief apparently! Oh, and not being able to breastfeed, that will affect him intellectually for the rest of his life, according to a midwife I spoke to in the last 10 years! I respond by telling people that me and my baby nearly died, it usually shuts them up! Oh, and he is perfectly healthy and rather clever!

I felt this before my baby was born but weirdly not after but I haven't had many people express opinions now my elective section has happened.

My main idea though is to say ' I feel judged when people say things like that/by that comment' - straightforward feedback and honesty. Most of the time people aren't trying to upset you they are just getting their own plans clear in their heads and that should prompt an apology or being more careful in future.

I also refuse to engage in any conversation about why I chose a c section, I say for various reasons it was the right choice for me. I feel like pkeole are pushing to work out if I was too posh to push or had a medical reason- none of their business! Or they might be trying to decide themselves - in which case I say do you want me to help you with your decision?

I had an epidural, was rushed to theatre after a 30 hour labour as son was stuck in canal and then bottle fed. Nurses were very off with me and whilst others had there babies put in the nursery so mothers could rest, they wouldn’t let me send my son even after a long traumatic labour, many stitches and serious blood loss. It was such an awful start that for six months I was seriously depressed and sadly whilst loving my child I also through no fault of his, resented him. Two years later with child two I had realised that the fault was theirs and not mine and went in with the attitude of this time I would not be meek, mild and subservient. I felt more in control and was so much happier after delivery. No depression. My lesson I learnt that I want to share with you is that it doesn’t matter what others think. It’s your body, baby and experience. It’s individual to you. You do what feel comfortable to you and everyone else can sod off. They are not important. Only you and your baby.