How to handle judgment as a mother

[Gotthejob]

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

"(SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) "

To paraphrase Mike Tyson, who said "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth" - Every woman has a plan until the contractions start.

I would smile pitying at her every time she talks crap.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, you sound like a great mum and your little one sounds delightful. I only breastfed for 3 weeks, found it agonising and my baby never seemed to be full and just screamed most of the time! Had a lovely community midwife who totally supported me to bottle feed on the principle that a more relaxed mum generally means a more contented baby. Do what is right for you, I always say that you can't walk down the street and pick out all the people who were breast fed because they are bouncing with health while the bottle fed ones are all stunted and blighted by non stop illness!

Everyone’s a midwife when you have a baby!! It’s incredibly annoying!

Just ignore and concentrate on what works for you and your healthy and happy child. You know your baby better than anyone else.

Ha! there was a woman in my baby group who honestly thought it would be a like a bad period and that the early contractions were as bad as it was going to get. You have to go through it to fully understand how unpredictable it can be

This it really doesn’t matter what you do it’s a weird fact that you will be judged in these no matter what you do!

I was judged for a c section, then for a vbac without any pain relief (not my choice), for spoon feeding purées then for baby led weaning all by different people.

you learn to ignore and make your own decisions

I think you'll find confrontation will put them in their uneducated stuck up places! Well done to u for bringing YOUR baby safely into this world and the science that save u both and is providing nutrition for them xx

Try developing a sarcastic eye roll and say something like " Well moving on to a less judgy subject..."

Never understand this, you have a headache you take a pill yet you want to roll around for hours in pain to prove what exactly? You do you I will do me. I know someone who was so traumatised by the pain after planning the perfect birth rolling around on a yoga ball that she wouldn’t hold her baby on arrival because of all the pain. I had two epidurals and would do it again. I breastfed but had two guzzling little boys who were never full so they got what I had and were then topped up. You have a happy healthy baby which is the most important thing maybe they are just jealous as their children are not happy all the time. My HV told me my babies were gaining too much weight at weigh ins once as they had crossed two centiles on the chart. I went back two weeks later and told them I had enrolled him in Weightwatchers they were horrified at which point I told them to stop trying to mum shame me. You look at all the babies that are not wanted, or starving or worse still abused and this is all women can do to each other. Shame on them.

Well I begged for an epidural but was refused . I couldn't breast feed I didn't want to but was pressured at hospital. I go mastitis. Don't beat yourself up OP . No one is going to hand anyone a medal and write up a report in the local press .

I had an emergency c section with my first. I didn't need any judgement from anyone else because I knew for myself I'd got it all wrong and failed them. No one's words could make me feel worse than I did already.

It was literally years later that I was able to heal and forgive myself. I was pregnant again and telling the midwife that I wanted to give birth properly this time. She told me I absolutely had done it properly the first time, if I hadn't consented to the section we both could have died and having the section was the only right thing to do. I loved her for that.

That you already know that you've done that for yourself and dc puts you years ahead of me! Just shrug off the negativity and don't rise to it. You don't need clever comebacks I don't think.

Congratulations on your baby

Ah yes the competitiveness
after baby two (second section) my littlie was like 8 weeks old and she’s a dot (as am I, I’m not 5ft) and some random woman in a baby group measured her 99th centile baby (same age) against my second centile. And then harped on about how breastfed babies are so skinny (I breast fed)

I said to her face, what are you actually doing?
do you think a teacher will know who was breast fed and who wasn’t? Do you think a stranger will ask why my child is smaller than yours?
the answer is no.
theu will know who was taught manners
who was read to
who was played with

so you had an epidural …. And
so you had a section … so do 33% of all British mums atm
so you formula fed … great

when these ladies judge
another mum is thinking; she kept her baby safe, she had a birth, she’s feeding her baby. And that’s a darn good job you’re doing there.

Smile sweetly and ignore. Competitive birth stories are so unnecessary.

I’ve had two sections and even my neighbour’s male partner thought he could comment on my first one saying I was “too posh to push”. Actually no I wasn’t, it was an emergency, however I didn’t bother to respond to his twatty comment. I also had to listen over and over to how a family member gave birth with only gas and air and isn’t she amazing 🙄

I ended up beating myself up for having an assisted birth but ultimately it really doesn’t matter how your baby was born. All that matters is that both of you are healthy. When you’re an adult no one judges you for how you were born do they?

Congratulations on your baby and enjoy every minute.

It's so hard, isn't it? As the saying goes: "empty vessels make the most noise." My late mom always said that it is impossible to argue with a drunk and a stupid person.

Can your partner step in here? This can be of great help.

You might like to say (as unemotionally as you can while in your mind you are reaching out to throttle them slowly and agonisingly to death), "Thank you for your input." Then ignore it.

BTW, if at some future date you are thinking of having another child, please contact La Leche League well in advance (you could start now if you want), and learn what makes it work, and you'll get loads of support from kind, nice, like-minded people.

Love to you all.

congrats on your baby! anaesthetist here... the myth of epidural = definite c section comes from an era when we gave patients high dose epidurals (>10 years ago). nowadays we use lower doses of local anaesthetic with added opioid (morphine derivative) and the way we administer it has changed. there is a slight increased likelihood of operative delivery but its by no means a given. plenty of mums end up needing a c section with no epidural and then we have to rush in trying to do an emergency spinal or general anaesthetic which isn't ideal. and the other awful situation is first time mum who has decided she doesn't want an epidural until she is >8cm and very distressed and desperate for one. unfortunately at this point usually the contractions are too close together/she can't sit still so it becomes too dangerous and we have to refuse or we are all in theatre with c sections and can't get to her quickly enough.

it's your body, your decision. you are the one who had to deal with the pain. no one is giving out medals for the woman who endured the most pain during labour. its hard enough with the epidural! I mean before we had c sections and other medical interventions were available so many women died or suffered injuries at birth. we should be embracing these innovations.

I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby

Pretty good way to shut them down. “Considering that there was a threat to both mine and baby’s life, the doctors felt an emergency C-section was needed, otherwise we’d both be dead. Your opinion is noted, but I’m not thankful that you shared it.”

or
simply….
tell them to fuck off?

These never-ending parenting - I should say mothering - arguments are like a treadmill to nowhere. They never, ever lead anywhere useful. The discussions are interminable on such points as

Natural vs. assisted conception.
Vag vs. CS.
Breast vs. formula.
BLW vs. puree
Jars vs. veggies
Baby sensory vs. Water Babies
'Farming out' to nursery vs. 14 months' maternity leave
SAHM vs. WOHM

Some of these are not even choices to start with. You don't really get much of a say in an EMCS and many mothers have their babies' lives to thank for it. Why on earth would anyone feel a failure for this? I'm grateful.

You really, really don't have to care what other people think. You don't have to share private medical information about how your baby came into the world. You don't need strangers to validate your personal decisions. When other women make choices that are different to yours, that isn't a negative indictment of those choices and if they take that as a personal affront, that's on them.

You don't get men arguing the toss over any of this (for the good reason that social expectations are different and they've never had to). But you don't need to buy into it, OP. You neither need nor require anyone else's approval.

Tell SiL to go piss up a rope. You'll be glad you did. Trust me 😂

Your SIL hasn't given birth yet?

Boy, she's got a lot to learn 😄

I just stopped offering things up to being judged.
"How did your birth go" fine
Just got on with feeding , potty training everything without offering my choices up.
Tantrum , scoop up child and exit, head down,no looking for an audience.
Zero guilt here either.
Doing my best so nothing to feel guilty about.
If people are judging and snipey it's THEIR issue not mine.

First off.. Congratulations on your baby..
I hate it when people are judgemental, I’m quite sure the midwives did what was best for you and baby.
I had all 4 of mine by general anaesthetic and C-section and then shock horror I bottle fed all 4 too! According to the ‘experts’ I shouldn’t have bonded with any of mine… utter tosh! We have beautiful bonds, they all healthy adults now, personally I think they had less health problems than the breastfed kids!
You do you, and ignore the rest! Don’t let them get you down… There is no ‘ textbook’ birth and imo mums should keep an open mind about their birth plans as you never know how things will pan out… my son would not be here if I hadn’t had the emergency c-section.
Stay strong, and enjoy your baby x

Same, I’m apparently a weirdo. If you’d asked me if I would BF for so long while pregnant I would have laughed my head off. But my DD just like needed it, and I just didn’t see a good reason to stop since it didn’t bother me. Eventually she quit asking and that was it.

Would something like ‘Hey, how about would you mind shutting the fuck up, because I’m not interested in your opinions’ work?

Repeat what they’ve said back to them, loudly and with a slight tone of incredulity. Really helps to point out his unreasonable they are without having to say it. And then laugh at them.

My go to method. Never failed. I especially liked to use it to draw attention to the wider world when I got hushed judgement
in public from a certain inlaw.

I’m sorry for how your birth went! Mine was similar unfortunately. I haven’t had people behave this way to me (so far). I would be furious if they did. I don’t have advice but please know they are being awful. It’s not in your head.

I always find "Oh do stop being such a twat" works wonders.

Why be non confrontational when they're being arseholes?

I had elective sections and didn’t breastfeed so you can imagine the judgement I got. I also didn’t cosleep. I didn’t contact nap. I swaddled. I’d make up my day’s bottles, chill and rewarm. I didn’t exclusively baby-led wean. I went back to work at three months post partum. I exercised fairly hard up right until the day I gave birth. I ate Brie.

Just imagine the judgement I got. I started to see it as sport as it was water off a duck’s back. I sort of enjoyed that my choices seemed to mortally offend some other people (and that they felt justified in judging me to my face?!) which is infinitely preferable to being crushed by someone’s line-crossing reaction to something I chose to do. Hence laughing at them.