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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle judgment as a mother

215 replies

Gotthejob · 17/07/2023 00:55

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

OP posts:
Imisssleep2 · 17/07/2023 19:56

I don't think there is a non confrontational was to shut it down tbh, just try to ignore it, if these people don't have their own kids then they are in for a wake up call when they do, yes for some it all goes to plan and no hiccups but that's not the case for alot of people.

My baby was breach at 37 weeks, they booked me in to have him turned or try to the next day but he decided he wasn't waiting and my waters broke and I went into labour that night, it progressed fast considering it was my first and there was meconium in the waters too, I had an emergency c section as it was best for my baby, I didn't give myself too much thought tbh. I wanted to breastfeed but I wasn't producing enough and he lost 12% body weight in 5 days so had to supplement it from then and he self weaned to a bottle in a few months as bottle is easier for them. I don't feel bad, I done what was right for my baby, and you did too, just let it go over your head.

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 17/07/2023 19:58

I just don't know where you'd even find these people
I had an epidural and emerging c section.
People asked how are u? How's its all going?

Who the he'll would be nasty over someone having a c section?

I can't advise as never come across these people or maybe I just wouldn't know them as I am a bit cut throat

Bunnycat101 · 17/07/2023 19:58

Smug birthers are so bloody annoying. I had one dream water-birth. Didn’t even realise I was in labour until I went into transition and was reading my toddler stories during contractions. Because that was my second- I had the sense to know if just been incredibly bloody lucky. It was an absolute pile of piss compared to my first difficult birth where I needed all the drugs and an instrumental and was in a degree of shock for some time.

Fixyourself · 17/07/2023 19:58

Is anyone actually shaming you for these things though?
What phrases have actually been said?

Bunnycat101 · 17/07/2023 20:01

I also failed to breastfeed. I’d say that the only judgement I had was from a couple of midwifes and people online. In real life no-one cared quite frankly and the sooner you come to terms with that the better. I spent too long worrying about being judged but with the benefit of hindsight a lot of that actually came from myself and my own disappointment.

Blanketpolicy · 17/07/2023 20:09

Congratulations on your baby! Sounds like you are doing a braw job!

Start working on your don't mess with me look. You'll need it in the future for your dc!

Holidayoverdue · 17/07/2023 20:19

I’ve been in your boat. It’s crap I don’t know the answer. But well done for not risking your child’s life by being an idiot. I hope you’re both happy and healthy forever.

Bookishnerd · 17/07/2023 20:20

hey OP sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of this, sounds like you’ve been doing an ace job.

My go-to is a bit of humour - ‘well, to be honest, they could’ve taken him out through my NOSE if they’d wanted, all I care about is that I have a happy, healthy baby’.

It reinforces that you don’t care without making it too awkward.

i like the advice of some of the other posters too though, maybe try them out and see what shuts your SIL up?

NoHallSouth · 17/07/2023 20:27

Wow.

I had a transverse 10lb baby at 40+ weeks, he was only coming out via C section! Didn't bother me at all. I never even had a contraction and I won't have any more kids but I don't feel like I missed out in any way. I had a lovely, relaxed birth with music. My baby arrived safely and I was safe. I formula fed by choice.

No one has ever said anything judgemental to me about any of it. If they did, I'd dismiss it as a lack of understanding/knowledge about giving birth and being a mother. (And I'd judge them for making a comment).

I like the advice previously given about staying silent when they leave a pause for you to reply. It works very well. Or, pretend you didn't quite hear and ask them politely to repeat. They often change the question a second time to be more polite!

WideEyedStirrer · 17/07/2023 20:31

OP, I committed all of those 'sins' and many more besides. Smile and nod in a Delphic manner. It's the only way.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 17/07/2023 20:33

There are no medals for natural birth or breastfeeding. Tell them that and change tge subject.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 17/07/2023 20:33

Till my dying day I'll never understand women like this.

Just a tilted head and a "do you think those things make your baby love you more or something?" if you want to be bitchy.

If not. Just the tilted head and a sad little smile.

Tessabelle74 · 17/07/2023 20:34

Just nod and say "how lovely" with a fake grin every time someone says something along those lines! Personally I'd tell them to shut the fuck up but I don't think that's non confrontational 🤔

RLmadmum · 17/07/2023 20:36

There's no polite way to tell someone to stick their unwarranted and unsolicited comments up their arse sadly. As long as you and baby are happy and healthy, everything else is irrelevant.

Ivyiris · 17/07/2023 20:38

Me too twice. I handle it by not giving a s**r what others think. Quite often our worse judgement comes from ourselves

Candelabra75 · 17/07/2023 20:41

Just realise that this is all rooted in her anxiety. She is hanging onto this idea that she is going to be able to control things to make herself feel less afraid. She is not deliberately criticising you just being completely self-absorbed. You sound like you have your head screwed on, and can rise above it. Don't let their bullshit drag you down. You can clearly see this is ignorance, every child and every birth is unique and cannot be planned or predicted. Some breastfed babies are high maintenance and some are chilled out and contented, so are some bottle-fed ones.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 17/07/2023 20:41

Just ignore. Change the subject. And don't get too self righteous. We all judge other people all the time in one way or another. They just have different prejudices to you.

Bloop1986 · 17/07/2023 20:42

I had comments about not breastfeeding and my response was 'well i apologise that my childs traumatic birth had an affect on my milk supply but unfortunately you cant get blood out of a stone but i can let my child starve if you feel that formula isn't suitable!'

Baba197 · 17/07/2023 21:05

Am laughing at your sil claiming she won’t be having a c-section…. She may not have a choice!! Majority of my friends have had emergency c-sections! I personally chose one, after 7 miscarriages I wasn’t taking any chances and my instincts were right as my son was wedged and the consultant told me there was no way he’d have come out naturally. A couple of friends didn’t approve of my choice but I was firm about it and told them it’s my choice and im not interested in what anyone thinks, a fed baby is what matters not how they’re fed. Personally I’d just ignore them and move onto a different subject

Echobelly · 17/07/2023 21:08

I'd want to reply to anything like that 'Wow, did you mean to sound really judgemental?'

Mountainlife · 17/07/2023 21:14

I wanted natural delivery, no epidural. I got to 9cm and decided epidural was needed. I didn't feel wrong. It hurt lol. I then had to be rushed into theatre so had full epidural, cut and forceps. I'd like to see your judgemental people take on me.

Nothing wrong even with elective c section. SIL can plan what she wants she has no clue how she will react to the pain of giving birth

Just tell them, I'm glad the medical professionals made the decision over you as if i did it your way with your medical knowledge we'd both be dead.

Fed is best. I combi feed and have a happy baby but if he needed formula he'd get it

toobusymummy · 17/07/2023 21:15

I found 'ahahahahaha..hahahah hmm yes I had a perfect birth plan too, hope that works out for you!'

mbosnz · 17/07/2023 21:16

I think I'd sigh, smile, and say, 'a mother's place is in the wrong', and change the subject.

We're all perfect parents until we have kids. Then we have reality cheese grated into our face.

Garden4me · 17/07/2023 21:17

Read this recently so can’t take credit!
simple say
why would you say that to me?
variation
why would you ask me that?
thought it very effective at deflecting. Good luck x

Lira715 · 17/07/2023 21:26

I’m sorry they treating you like this OP … I’d just try to ignore them.. I had many “ ideas” about birth breastfeeding and how I’d feed my baby once solids started… think I thought I was going to be some earth mother, everything was going to be all natural and organic and peaceful I look back now and see I had no idea 😂DH compared my “ hypnobirth” to an exorcism . I was told to stop breastfeeding at 4 weeks cause my baby was too greedy and was literally drinking blood , the no screen time rule was a further epic fail when I realised she’d happily sit and watch Micky mouse for 20 min while I was in shower …thank your lucky stars you have a chilled happy baby, don’t let them make you think there’s any right or wrong way to deliver as every birth is different every baby is different you both here healthy so job done. I think once they been through labour and experienced a newborn they may not be so smug and will be asking you for advice x

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