How to handle judgment as a mother

[Gotthejob]

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

Your baby, your body, no one else's business.
We adopted, so no birth & no breastfeeding, the child have survived & thrived!

I did all 3 of those too. Nobody has ever had an issue with it and it was rarely discussed. I think you’re prob bringing it up more than others as you feel you need the validation? It’s fine.

I voted that YABU because you want a non confrontational way to deal with this!! OP tell them to fuck off and you don’t remember asking for their opinions!!!!!
You are doing a great job, fuck what anyone else thinks - and if you’re worried about how it looks then you can always blame the hormones!! But I’m a firm believer in shutting this crap down early doors. If you put up with it now, they’ll get worse. Nip it in the bud now! X

Why do you let other people's opinions bother you?

You have done the most incredible thing. You have grown a tiny human, brought it into the world and are nurturing and caring for them. That looks different to different people.
I was unable to do this and adopted mine and I'm in awe of anyone who is able to. You got him here safely are meeting his needs. Keep things in perspective and enjoy your baby. You do you.

Just exclaim how marvellous it is that modern medicine was able to save both your lives.

I had a planned c-section it was fucking brilliant. I remember a guy at work whose wife was pregnant at the same time being very sniffy about it and waxing lyrical about how they were going to have a natural birth. I remember saying "look, there's a good chance due to my age I'll end up with a c-section anyway so I'd rather have a planned one than end up in an emergency situation".

Afterwards it turned out that his wife had ended up with a cascade of intervention starting with induction and culminating in emergency c-section. He did rather sheepishly apologise for his previous attitude.

There are SO many ways to fuck things up beyond birth and breastfeeding and I’m surprised your criticisers are not more aware of this. I also think you should think ahead to these facts and move on from worrying about whether anyone else agrees you are doing just fine right now because having kids is a veritable smorgasbord of opportunity when it comes to making an utter pugs ear of the whole damn thing.
Nobody knows why any of us are mad enough to embark upon it (ok, actually we do know that we are pre-programmed for this). Nobody genuinely feels they did a thoroughly good job of it. Fleetingly some of us may get a pang of accomplishment when one of the beings that we helped raise graduates, reads their lines in the nativity correctly, wins at sports day… but otherwise it’s a shot show where you lurch from one disaster to the next and one glorious achievement to the next.
I’n not trying to be funny here. Or the next Rachel Cusk. Nobody is good at parenting. Everyone thinks others are. Everyone realises they got stuff wrong. All children announce aged 14 that you got stuff wrong and for most of us there is love and thankfulness as we reach our last moments on this earth.
YABU to expect more and YABU to waste time thinking of puts downs or shut them ups. Just try and enjoy the fact that something made us all want to do this child rearing thing and take what glorious, loving moments you can get when you can.

I’d laugh, a bit of a cackle and say “oh just you wait and see” with that cheeky smile that you know something they don’t. Not enough to scare them off having children, just enough to make them think there’s much more to it than they realise.

If anyone starts really going on about it tell them a c section cuts through 7 layers of body tissue, you are awake throughout and expected to stand and look after a newborn immediately afterwards. Personally I’m in awe of anyone who can manage that.

Then there’s BF, I know several people who have lost parts of their nipples (they recovered fine) and tried to feed through the pain. Honestly childbirth and child rearing is brutal sometimes, however you get through it with your mental and physical health intact is the best option!

Honestly, try not to listen. There's always been this competitive thing about having babies, but it doesn't matter how you gave birth (there are no prizes for refusing pain relief) and fed is best. Is your baby thriving and loved? That's all that matters. My eldest was breast fed, no problems and it was a breeze. My youngest didn't latch on properly, I ended up with raging mastitis and pus coming out of my nipples so he was bottle fed after a week of agony. They are both adults now and you wouldn't know which one had formula and which one didn't.

I don't get why she thinks not having an epidural will negate the need for a C section?!!
Does she think everyone that has an epidural then has to have a C section?!

My birth story is shit. Really shit and I ended up with forceps and epidural, gas and air and pethidine 🤷‍♀️

I also CHOSE not to breast feed which got the most comments of all.

So much so that one midwife walked off in the hospital the day after delivery and ignored me when I asked her to get me another bottle.
Twat.
She also yelled at me (not exaggerating but wish I was) for changing a nappy on my bed and not in the crib thing. I still had a catheter and couldn't move well

All in all it was a horrible experience and I've had all the comments you can imagine

You'll grow a thicker skin and end up replying something sarcastic. The feeding comments, I just ended up giving really ott comments like yeah my poor kid... They're gonna be fucked with allergies and got no chance of getting into mensa now 🤷‍♀️

It feels bad at first but you'll learn every man and his dog has an opinion about parenting

Tell em you have zero fucks to give and it's all bollocks anyway

The kid will turn out how it turns out regardless of what you do!!! 😂

Sorry to hear this @Gotthejob and also sorry this is a common experience - around birth, feeding, working or not, nursery/childminder, what school, screen time, divorce etc etc etc. I was so much happier when I stopped letting it bother me though I know this is easier said than done. The point of parenting is to bond with your child and help them become a balanced adult - if you are doing your best to do that, and I am sure that you are, you have nothing to feel bad about. Good luck and enjoy your beautiful baby!

There will always be people who think a C-section is the easy way out when they haven’t experienced one. It’s not like we choose to have a baby in distress and in my case, be put to sleep with no time to change into a gown and not be the first to hold your own baby. Honestly, just ignore them, they aren’t worth your time.

The reality is, no one cares how you gave birth, how you fed your child or anything at all about your child. If you are feeling any guilt it's because you feel you've let yourself down somehow

Don’t make out this is OP’s issue, not them. It’s not.

I have been heartily and verbally judged and found wanting by women and men for my own choices. Some parents, some not. They all seemed to give a shit, that’s for sure. And I didn’t. I offered them no information, they enquired, judged and in some cases, verbally criticised.

My midwife told me that there are no prizes for doing it without pain relief. And she was so right.

Epidurals are bloody amazing. Why wouldn't one want to have pain relief during something painful? They wouldn't opt for an operation without anesthesia or not take paracetamol for a blinding headache. So why such a big deal for coping without pain relief during labour? It's the equivalent of dick waving 🙄

As for formula, do you know what is best? A fed baby. Full stop. And do you know what else is very nice? Keeping your nipples and breasts in tact.

Oh and it's also nice to not destroy your vagina too.

You enjoy those thoughts and enjoy your baby.

The most important thing is that you're both alive. Yes Labour wasn't planned that way, Yes you'd rather breastfeed, but FGS your BOTH alive, that's the main thing. Just concentrate on recovery and your beautiful baby. No body's opinions count in this situation. Love and best wishes to you. X

Congratulations on your new baby and happy delivery! Pregnant or mothers to be females are delusional planning their birth and motherhood. I was one of them: planned water birth and years of being Mother Earth. Instead I gave birth to 10lb1 giant with great assistance. Lost loads of blood in the process; tried to breast feed- baby lost 2 pounds in 4 days. He was exclusively bottled fed afterwards. I was highly strung mother with set routines and high expectations. My giant is a stunning 6’6”+ beaty who was not adversely affected by his birth or childhood. Healthy baby and happy mum is ALL anyone can pray for. The judgemental ones need to get a grip! Close your ears to them and look after yourself and your baby (and her/his dad!). You are rocking it!

🙄

Same. I would not mention any of it if possible. Some people are just crazy competitive about the most bizarre things!!

Epidural - what do these people think labour feels like? It's horrendous. It makes grown women weep and snarl and act like angry toddlers. It's one of the most painful things there is. Of course you sometimes opt for an epidural.

Birth - do these people think lying in an operating theatre while a gang of strangers open you up, dig around your insides then sew it all up and you have to recover while caring for a newborn 24 hours a day - do they think that's a fun and easy and totally unchallenging experience?

Breastfeeding - I think people really don't understand how hard it can be. They think you just waggle the baby near a boob and hey presto. As if it would only go wrong because you couldn't be bothered to flex your pectoral muscle or something to get the milk out.

I think people have some rose-tinted view of how motherhood should be a natural thing and if you're just hippy enough about it, you'll have a chubby lovely baby and live some countryside idyll. Nope, in the past a lot of women and children died without C-sections, modern obstetrics and safe formula. You and your baby being alive is a miracle.

To shut down opinions:
Epidural: 'I couldn't take pain any more so I had one'
C-section: 'I'd be dead without it, so would my baby'
Breastfeeding: 'I tried, it didn't work, thank goodness for formula'

Honestly when SIL has her baby she'll almost certainly be eating humble pie. We're all great parents before we have kids.

You indicate that most of the comments are from women who don’t have children yet. This is called blissful ignorance. Childbirth is generally a shitshow ( often literally) that no amount of research beforehand can prepare you for.
To me, you are succeeding because

1. you and baby are alive
2. baby is feeding
3. baby is content. END OF. I had an amazing midwife whose arms I sobbed into when I hated breast feeding. She reminded me of the above. Baby was happy, mummy was happy. Next time someone with no actual experience patronises you, just put your head to one side and smile at them as if you’re indulging a small child who has no fucking idea what’s in store.

Me too, all three of those...My daughter is healthy and happy cos I had an emergency c section to get her out in time, and fed is best.
Pregnancy and childbirth seems to be one of the few things that everyone wants to give their unsolicited opinion about...it's difficult but ignore it..the only opinion worth worrying about, is your own when it comes to this.
And the irony is, all those giving their opinion who are currently child free, will probably feel the very same way you are feeling, when it comes to be their turn on the receiving end of these opinions.

By the time you rock up to the school gates in a few years time I promise you no one will give a shit how you gave birth or fed your baby. They'll be too focused on trying to find out your child's reading level. And so on and so on.

Ignore it all.

Ohhh OP sounds like you've been through a rough time , and actually you just need your family support ! I'm so sorry you don't have that!
I'd just say;
"Given my C sec I'm lucky to be able to breastfeed "

It's no one else's business what you do todo or how, and honestly if that were me , I'd cut contact, but then I'm impulsive 🫣

I had an epidural, c section and formula fed, but that was 'allowed' as I had twins. Plus I did express for the few weeks the DCs were in NICU, so they had the colostrum. No-one ever said anything to me (although I suppose I don't know what they said or thought behind my back). I can't believe people are so awful and judgemental, please just ignore them!

Funnily enough I told my Mum aged three that I wanted twins to get it over with, and later I always jokingly said I'd love a Caesarian as childbirth looked grim. So I got lucky . But my consultant kept saying - but surely you'd like a natural birth as you didn't conceive naturally?? (IVF). I'm not too posh to push but I can't pretend I wasn't delighted in the end that other factors meant they chose to deliver via c section. (I know some people have issues but mine was very easy and I was driving again three weeks later).

But I would be tempted to say to anyone - hey, aren't I lucky that BF didn't work out? Baby slept through the night from x weeks and we can go out and about or I can leave baby with people - it's so easy......

Obviously there are lots of good things about BF, but if you choose not to or can't - there are also benefits with formula! Be proud of your lovely baby and ignore the ignorant or jealous people who dare to comment!

Surely anyone who thinks a c-section is easy has not had a c-section…? Do they have any clue what it’s like getting over one, all while caring for a newborn?