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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle judgment as a mother

215 replies

Gotthejob · 17/07/2023 00:55

I have apparently committed 3 cardinal sins - I had an epidural, ended in a c section and have been unable to breastfeed.

And it seems everyone sees fit to pass opinion on this (SIL won’t be having an epidural and therefore won’t need a c section) and the consensus is I didn’t try hard enough (I nearly died so no c section = no mum or baby). I

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

Looking for non confrontational ways to shut down these opinion. And it really seems to be the people with most opinions are women who don’t even have kids yet! I have found other mums to be very supportive.

OP posts:
Amber2023 · 17/07/2023 17:03

Fellow sinner here! EMCS plus formula fed after failed attempt at breast feeding. I’m also having an ELCS this time around! The shame. I keep getting comments why don’t you try for a “natural birth” nah I’ll pass thanks. Don’t beat yourself up you do what’s right at the time for your family.

Yorkshiredolls · 17/07/2023 17:18

Hello OP I feel like you’re judging me too because I have had two c sections and ended up formula feeding them both. I didn’t think there was a problem with that but you seem to think there is?

It wasn’t my plan, if I had it my way Id have not needed and emergency c section and baby would not have had reflux and she would have latched like a dream, and I wouldn’t have ended up with PND and then GDM in my second pregnancy, but thats the cards I was dealt.

Where are you finding these judgy knobheads? My eldest is 6 and I have never met anyone whos openly judged me about how I gave birth or fed or even give a shit really, most people too concerned with their own business.

you deal with it by you doing you and nit giving a damn What they think, if they are nasty enough to judge verbally and openly they are not worthy of your time or attention, they are not friends

changeyerheadworzel · 17/07/2023 17:27

So did I...4 times! Shoot me!

Personally I couldn't give a donkey's knob what anyone thinks of that.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 17/07/2023 17:30

Anyone who said those things needs punching in the fanny. I’ll be interested to hear what actually ends up happening to SIL when she gives birth. You deserve a better support network than this. Can you send them a link to an article about PND and not judging people’s birthing choices?

Lacucuracha · 17/07/2023 17:51

My baby is so lovely, happy and chilled but even that has been put down to formula feeding? Like I’m cheating the system or something. So many comments like ‘well obviously you’re not breastfeeding so…’

People like this do need to be shut down though. I would tell them dd is happy and chilled because I'm a great mum.

LimePi · 17/07/2023 17:56

Just tell people to get lost! Judgemental F**s

itsmylife7 · 17/07/2023 17:57

Just tell them to shut up with their silly opinions.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 17/07/2023 17:57

I told someone I expressed my milk and that was met with judgment. People can have their opinions but they are not the ones doing the grafting that I was doing. My best advice is don't talk about it.

JupiterFortified · 17/07/2023 18:01

I can honestly say that neither I or my friends (child free or with children) could give a crap about how someone gave birth or whether they breastfeed or not. Who cares?

Maybe you’re hanging round with the wrong people OP. Don’t let morons drag you down.

elliejjtiny · 17/07/2023 18:03

I hate judgy comments and they always make me doubt myself. Most parents are doing their best and that should be enough. I've been judged for not homeschooling, sending ds to mainstream school, "letting" my eldest do a b-tech instead of a - levels and not disciplining my children enough. Oh and not disciplining them enough.

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/07/2023 18:10

I largely ignore it and refuse to take part in these silly 'mummy wars'. In my experience, it is usually other mothers that judge the most.

I have formula fed from birth, sleep trained, sent baby to nursery from 3 months etc all of the ultimate 'sins'.

xogossipgirlxo · 17/07/2023 18:13

Don't tell them, it's no one's business. If they tell their opinion anyway:

-Who?
-Who what?
-Who asked what you think?

madeleine85 · 17/07/2023 18:15

Congratulations on your baby! Enjoy your peaceful little one. Everyone has an opinion on babies and birthing, especially mums, which is just bonkers. I liken it to people commenting on pregnant women's bodies. I had a friend who had one very easy baby, they said when pregnant with the second that they were prepared for a harder second experience (the first was a "trick baby"), but then it turned out the second was even easier than the first. It is just pot luck. Meanwhile i'm wrangling my children like they are ferral animals😆.

hiding5675687 · 17/07/2023 18:15

Try to ignore them and definitely do not let them upset you. You are right that a happy, healthy baby and mum are the most important things. The only important things. Just say how happy you are that your baby is happy and doing well - unless they had nightmare births, then I guess let it slide and change the subject. I agree with a comment above that their interest and obsession is creepy.

I do not get this competitive natural childbirth thing. The person I know who really went down this route and her sister have a child with life long birth injuries (NICU), another with SN that may have been related to a home birth and injuries to themselves.

As my DC gets older the most judgemental. annoying comments are from a relative who does not have kids.

GC1 · 17/07/2023 18:17

Aw god I got this especially from InLaws. My SIL was textbook mum.... Everything done right and by the book..... I done everything opposite... She has kids that never sleep don't eat a think and are rude and tantrum ALL the time. Isn't allowed sugar but gets treats to shut them up then there hyper ect ect. I got told by my FIL that I need to breastfeed... Told him straight I'll do what's best for me! And noone will tell me how I raise my kids .. case closed there's nonice way sorry xxxx

stayathomer · 17/07/2023 18:18

‘Sorry if it bothers you.’ Job done!

Iwasafool · 17/07/2023 18:20

I've had a c.section and forceps, nobody cared. The only judgement I got was for breastfeeding for 3 years which some people found worthy of comment.

Riv · 17/07/2023 18:21

I had this from many, the worst was my BiL!!! He had all the ideas of exactly how birth should be, how to feed and clothe and everything to do with babies. (he didn't even have a long term girlfriend at the time.)
Payback came some years later after his wife gave birth. He was looking forward to having a long rest after a busy few months 😂😂I don't think he's ever recovered. We just smiled and said nothing... He knew without us saying anything. and I have to say I did feel sneakily good about it.

Newmama29 · 17/07/2023 18:22

The most perfect parents are the hypothetical ones. Just repeat that back to them & tell them to come for you after they have their own kids.

Songbird54321 · 17/07/2023 18:27

Crikey what they must think of me! Epidural with my first, c section with my second and didn’t even attempt to breastfeed either of them because I didn’t want to, no other ‘excuse’.
Let them crack on, the world is full of opinions. Few of them actually matter.
I imagine my opinion doesn’t matter to a lot of people either and I’m fine with that

BlackSwan · 17/07/2023 18:29

I had a planned C section, tried breastfeeding & gave up some days in. Fuck all these judgemental people.

HauntedPencil · 17/07/2023 18:30

I think people are hyper critical of others from a place of insecurity. Enjoy your chilled baby. I ruined the first few months of mine being super stressed about breast feeding when very ill, and I really wish I hadn't now. Enjoy your chilled baby and try and give zero shits!

sqirrelfriends · 17/07/2023 18:30

C-section, especially in an emergency is not the easy way out. I don’t know why this myth floats around. It’s major surgery and then you need to look after a baby straight away.

sqirrelfriends · 17/07/2023 18:32

Iwasafool · 17/07/2023 18:20

I've had a c.section and forceps, nobody cared. The only judgement I got was for breastfeeding for 3 years which some people found worthy of comment.

Oh yes, I breastfed for 2 and you wouldn’t (well you probably would) believe some of the looks I got.

Jenaust1985 · 17/07/2023 18:37

Fellow sinner here to 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

I had to have a c-section with my first baby, the shame he was bottle fed and the horror that I was also a young Mum (19) My 2nd child I had to have a ventouse delivery, massive tearing and other complications that left me unable to have any more children at the grand old age of 23, and horror she was bottle fed aswell.

Both are now happy, healthy 18 and 15 year olds, and never give it a second thought to how they arrived or how they were fed.

People are so judmental even more so now, and its really sad as we should be supportive and not tear each other down.

Enjoy your baby, be proud of your battle wound, and its whats right for you and your baby, no whats right for other people.